September 28, 2025 The Bullet Journal method uses N.A.M.E. your experience through dynamic bulleted lists. N is for Notes(- bullet), A is for Actions, or what you do(a dot bullet), M is the Moods bullet which captures Vedana or feelings or what is pleasant and unpleasant(=bullet) and the E is for Events bullet, which is like going to the Doctor or what happens after you take an action and is a (o bullet) all of his information can be found on https://bulletjournal.com Which Ryder Carroll explains is easy to metabolize chunks on YouTube. The point of me talking about rapid logging or Naming your experience is you can capture, choiceless awareness on paper through rapid logging, by giving nonjudgmental attention to the bare facts written down. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Because in the bullet journal method you also have custom collections, which gather thoughts on a subject like Buddhist tantra and by asking questions about the collection of thoughts process them into an understanding related to your own life, and finding your own enlightenment.

September 27, 2025 The role the meditator plays in how often bare attention arises during the day, may have something to do with what chapter one is in ones life, how often you have studied bare attention, and have tried in numerous ways to put into practice. With a journal at your side it can be recorded even though that particular way of practicing may only work for a while. The vast majority of meditators in the west are house holders, not monastics. If you are fortunate to have a teacher in person you have good karma. But many of you who only have books, and maybe not even resources to see a therapist. A journal or a blog will do just fine. I did most of my work silently in my own mind and body, through brain fog and the like. I didn’t really have meditator friends for most of the time. But that doesn’t mean we all don’t have the capacity of self awareness alone or in company. Because of emptiness, it’s possible to find the causes and conditions, for a good practice.

September 19, 2025 I rediscovered breathing, in the past 45 minutes when getting exercise, letting the breath breathe me, or letting it do its own thing and getting the ego out of the way of the breath worked. And alternating between impartiality it became clear when I am preoccupied with some activities other than just breathing and expanding from there, my eyes don’t dry up. Plus I was with other people so that had something to do with it. I didn’t practice tai chi at the normal speed, I slowed down, so it became easier to become aware of the breath. Again similar to the empowerment last Friday, where simple self awareness is present not in a labored way but in a nonjudgmental attention to the present practice way. Being rushed is my Enlightenment and I have to make it a means to my own awakening.

September 18, 2025 The 4 noble truths outline how to find the intention to achieve enlightenment, first the problem is there is Dukkha or pervasive unsatisfactoriness, then we find out the cause which is clinging or thirst, the human dilemma. Then freedom from the cause or Enlightenment and then the path to that freedom which is 8 fold. The Buddha is the Supreme Doctor and if karma is true then it makes sense that the contaminated aggregates we have taken are the nature of narcissistic attachment. To practice simple self awareness, simple be with a ritual, like the daily logging and notice as if will when the mind wanders, and when it is concentrated on the ritual at hand, just simply observe the behavior. I write on the computer more now so I notice that the ego is like a membrane in that in appears and disappears when no effort is applied.

September 16, 2025 While at an empowerment recently, I noticed relaxed self observation, and a will to follow the sadhana, when my mind wandered. All within a days practice, also when taking notes this self awareness changed to a will to take notes, getting tired of taking notes, but a sense of organization about what I was doing or not doing. Probably from the blessings or projections from the group. Anyways this self awareness felt different from how I usually feel, so it was a nice change of pace, my self awareness still feels altered from the experience. Laid back, such a self awareness maybe the key to metabolizing emotion during difficult times, because I can find refuge instead of confusion is such a mode after long stretches of difficult problems. Maybe I need Medicine Buddha to help me with myself.

September 12, 2025 If your intention is to achieve enlightenment then taking notes in a Bullet journal expresses the ever evolving organization of practice, by keeping rituals, like the daily and monthly log. Like meditation the journal evolves with you, and a journal can keep track of experiments in practice based off of your teachers advice. A Mirror for practice, a teacher reveals right view, informs right meditation, which is discussed in the Bullet journal is one example of how the synergy can work. Also taking notes from mind, in a nonjudgmental way is a practice in itself. Crafting your own understanding in a journal is helpful because we have to find the key to our own enlightenment. I am not a great Buddhist saint, who found his enlightenment, I am however still searching. Why are we searching anyways? It is outlined in the 4 noble truths. The problem, pervasive unsatisfactoriness, the cause is thirst, freedom is Nirvana, the path is 8 fold.

September 11, 2025 The key practice of Bullet Journal method is suspending judgment and giving impartial attention to the bare facts as they are logged. Ryder Carroll can’t emphasize this enough. And that is express in how the bare facts are written down. Luckily the Moods bullet records physical sensations and emotions, like tired and anxious. The mood bullet doesn’t ignore the body because in meditation the source of much of its power comes from being grounded in breath and body, this can be expressed through writing. Which is a boon to self awareness, which we can reflect on later. Again we are paying attention to content rather than process, which is what Freud did, but not what the Buddha taught during bare attention, but sometimes it’s good to get back to individual problems like in psychoanalysis and identify them in a journal, rather than stay in the nether world of our on unconscious.

September 9, 2025 When writing in your journal, suspend judgment and give impartial attention to what you are writing about just the bare facts. Whether that is a memory, an action, a plan, long form journaling whatever it may be give impartial attention to the thought and record it. This is similar to Freud’s “evenly suspended attention” he remained interested in the content instead of the process of thought, and missed where a lot of experience happened which is in the body. Ryder has a new bullet the moods bullet, to note what the body is feeling like anxiety or tired. To note that without judgement. This is a core practice of the Bullet Journal Method, as Ryder Carroll was influenced by Buddhist thought and he can’t emphasize this too much. In fact it is what gives difficult memories or events access to consciousness for working through from a Buddhist perspective. He is much more about bringing things to life, then achieving enlightenment, he brought the Bullet Journal into life which I am sure has influenced more than one meditator like myself. From a meditative perspective how(nonjudgmentally) you write things down is just as important as why you write them down in the first place.

September 8, 2025 The Meditator doesn’t know what is going to happen in the next moment, but after reflecting on an event, we can discover patterns, and a journal is useful for this. If a pattern repeats itself enough times some people enter psychotherapy. A habit tracker in the monthly log makes tracking simpler in the Bullet Journal Method. Writing by hand makes a connection between mind and body that is well documented, studies continue to show the benefit of writing by hand. Customizing your notebook to serve you in finding your enlightenment, was not known to the Buddha in his time, but is a boon to self awareness, to see what works and what doesn’t through time. It’s like setting experiments instead of goals to see what works for you in your body and mind. But I also suggest Getting a long term teacher, in the form of a books, which is what I did or in person which is better. But you still have to cultivate right view for right meditation both of which are on equal footing.

September 6, 2025 Dr. Epstein’s intention was not only to achieve enlightenment but to make a bridge between Buddhism and Psychotherapy and express it to the world. Always best wishes to express bare attention and selflessness of persons into the world in a new way, new methods for achieving enlightenment. The Bullet Journal Method is a great way to establish rituals into mind that maintain bare attention and Buddhist Tantra. Once right view has sunk into the unconscious mind it manifests into spontaneous insight during the day. Bare attention depends upon right view to know how to apply awareness to what is happening. It’s not what is happening to you and in you, it’s how you relate to it that matters. Not to identify with what is going on in mind, like clouds coming into the sky, causing a storm and then leaving. Identify more with impartial, nonjudgmental awareness instead of likes and dislikes is like Highest Yoga Tantra where the practitioner identifies with the alter ego. The material of the meditator.

September 5, 2025 Bare attention is not a dry insight, like in Highest Yoga Tantra, the love, joy or something comes from taking in everything impartially. Bare attention appears to be dry insight from how it sounds intellectually, but put into practice, a humor, empathy, warmth and concern comes from this practice. The meditator, makes use of a journal in my case using the Bullet Journal method to record, thoughts, feelings, actions and events. Rereading the journal and reflecting on the information of our own lives is a means to enlightenment. We have to find our own enlightenment, what the key is for ourself, not somebody else. The Key for the Buddha was a middle way between asceticism and self indulgence, the essential quality is bare attention.

September 1, 2025 Meditation isn’t a means to an end, it’s purpose is it’s self, bare attentions takes the everyday mind and opens it up, not by getting rid of emotions, but knowing them as they are. This quality of mind can be cultivated to the point of impartial, nonjudgmental attention to everything there is to observe. This attentional strategy is the key to interpersonal meditation found in the psychotherapy office and is the main thing that Dr. Epstein learned. Meditation in action is a form of improvisational meditation, that can be learned in Dungeons and Dragons, and Psychotherapy. Which Dr. Epstein explained in “Going to Pieces without Falling apart”. Clinging to identity, causes suffering, so hold the alter ego lightly, not repressing, and not expressing this self. The middle way between the two extremes of identity, is in simply being with the clinging to identity evescates it.

August 30, 2025 I often judge my experience, not even knowing it, when I do figure out that is what I am doings then a sense of excitement comes because I am being nonjudgmental at that time. And reactions are happening all the time, simple reactions are easy to catch and diminish, knowing them as they occur, and knowing the reaction as a reaction and core event as core event, that’s bare attention. Take whatever is given, not to repress and not to express, simply being with the attachment without being trapped by it, is right view. It needs to be explained on a granular level, to know the language one can say to oneself when clinging occurs, and how to practice bare attention on a moment to moment level. It’s not like bare attention is a nonmaterial energy, the aggregates, themselves are by nature material, because psychoanalysis considers thoughts and feelings material for work, that extends to bare attention. Some say bare attention is a nonmaterial continuum, that takes rebirth into future and infinite past lives. But even within Buddhism their are two ways to view the wheel of life.

August 13, 2025 Applying impartiality to feelings and sensations in the mind and heart is more readily achieved when the environment is quiet and the mind is peaceful. Consequently, it becomes substantially felt as the word “impartiality” implies when it arises in the heart. A meditative mind experiences joy at the time impartiality is felt in the heart. Once the mind is clear, it imputes “impartiality” on to arising phenomena as if a waking dream about it, not intentionally, in dream mode. The feelings and sensations are then recognized as impartial and spontaneous joy or excitement arising from this bare attention.

July 15, 2025 I’ve been thinking of how the Christians and Kadampas divide the self into higher and lower or better and worse, remnants of the puritanical roots from which it came. And the tendency to go more deeply into our problems as if to be purified of our sins. This is counter to the movement within mindfulness/bare attention in our culture. Where somebody and nobody are inextricably linked you can’t have one without the other. Happiness comes from letting go, not by going more deeply into our problems. Bare attention is best explained by Mark Epstein, which is contrary to Shantideva’s understanding to the emotions. Bare attention doesn’t seek to destroy the disturbing emotions, but give them access to consciousness to free them of their infantile content. Dungeons and Dragons comes at the emotions from another perspective, using the alter ego to fantasize about an imaginary world to playing in an unintegrated way. A sand box for the emotions to assert themselves in a relational imaginary world. I am much more of a gamer when playing DnD, meaning I like combat more than roleplaying. I tend to identify with my character in game, and put myself in my character. The thrill of combat in game, a Hero destroying the inner enemy(not necessarily apposed to bare attention). Shantideva would not be on board, because it’s a game, not a supposed spiritual practice. Unintegration comes to different people in different ways, I am spiritual not religious.

July 14, 2025 The spatial metaphor is explored in Buddhist concentration practices, which expand and contract the perception of self. By teasing the self like a “cat with a ball of string” into deeper states of concentration, the body disappears, and the body can be filled with bliss. This loosens the hold these spatial notions of self have on us. However, the Buddha declared that these practices were not sufficient for his purposes. Mindfulness, or the exploration of the temporal metaphor of self, by focusing on bodily-based experiences as they occur, brings the feeling of the temporally conceived self, making the self more elastic. The final illusions of self-sufficiency are eradicated by zeroing in on a self that breaks under objective scrutiny. This is beneficial in managing narcissistic emotions such as anger, fear, and selfish desire. Focus is needed to return attention to the foundations of mindfulness, but it is how one relates to them that matters. Therefore, bare attention plays a crucial role in learning to be with oneself in an impartial and nonjudgmental manner.

July 6, 2025 Bare attention, not only is it impartial but also choiceless, as discussed by Krishnamurti in the mid-20th century and mentioned by Dr. Epstein in “What the Buddha Felt.” Creative imagination can contribute to realizing bare attention in how one expresses this practice. For instance, when playing Dungeons and Dragons (DnD) as an impartial observer and an active role-player, bare attention informs the psyche. The unintegration of D. W. Winnicott in my life is DnD. For roleplayers and gamers, this is not a fad but a lifestyle. In Dr. Epstein’s books “Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart” and “Going on Being,” it is emphasized the importance of unintegration in our lives. Unlike the disintegration of the psychotic, which has no choice but to disintegrate, even if the ego is a necessary illusion (as it is trapped in a web of relationships, making it a process that does not exist in its own right), integration is the realm of the ego doing instead of being (unintegration). An aspect of bare attention is its choicelessness, which implies the unintegration of D. W. Winnicott’s being. Working through involves being with an emotion in a nonjudgmental manner, preventing personal attachment to what is happening. Imagination is another example of unintegration, and DnD continues to be a valuable tool in this regard.

June 24, 2025 We don’t usually think of bare attention in terms of being a positive quality of mind, but impartiality the first quality of bare attention can metabolize the difficult emotions with observing awareness. The processing of emotion, the equanimity that comes from bare attention is by definition positive affect(good karma). Also humor, empathy, warmth and concern come from Buddhist Masters that have really put it to use. Impartiality is not a neutral quality of mind, by not pushing away the unpleasant and not holding onto the pleasant, to simply listen, this quality gives the practitioner an openness, bare attention learns to take in everything(if this is the enlightened state). The point is that bare attention is not a neutral quality generating neutral karma, positive affect comes from this practice or the surrender of attachments that come from mindfulness, is in its self positive affect. Bare attention is not some abstraction this quality of mind, can be cultivated to the point of effortless and unencumbered focus on the present to everything there is to observe. Because impartiality is empty of partiality we think it has no positive effect, but this is not true, simply being impartial, one can feel how positive it is in the moment.

June 8, 2025 I’ve been getting rest instead of restlessness or being tired, many Buddhist teachers can put you to sleep when they give you a talk. This rest in turn has made it possible to put into practice bare attention starting from my heart which Buddhists call mind, the mind(brain) and heart are in fact unified through the practice of meditation. To “suspend judgment and give impartial attention to everything there is to observe”(Freud), to simply listen of impartiality is the first essential quality of bare attention, this observing self takes whatever is given, not screening out the unpleasant, not holding onto the pleasant through desirous attachment(desire has us doing some awfully strange things). Diminishing reactivity, is a method of bare attention to know the raw sensory event as different as distinct from the reaction that’s bare attention. The problem with bare attention is it takes experimentation on the inside to get to know the observing self that can be cultivated. It’s not some abstraction you can actually feel impartiality when it is happening. Which makes the possibility of Enlightenment a concrete subject.

March 14, 2025 Pure observation, is meditation but Epstein found right view(right understanding and right thought) on equal footing with it. Not neglecting right view is essential for knowing core events as different than the reaction when diminishing reactions in bare attention. You have to know the core event as core event and reaction as reaction. It’s a deceptively simple injunction. Without learning the language of reactions then when they do occur, which is often then observation can’t do its job. Learning to observe thoughts is emotional intelligence which clears the mind for what is happening in the emotional body. The emotional realm is the window into the Buddha realm. When you have something to think about think about it. When thinking is happening then a memory can arise and a reaction can occur, which is a means to awaking not an obstacle to our happiness. Epstein got very interested in creating a holding environment in psychotherapy so he knows the ins and outs of bare attention. The point is right meditation is on equal footing with right view. We need study and practice.

February 20, 2025 I was a solitary practitioner for bare attention, it can be learned by reading, listening to pod casts and YouTube, with very little contact with a teacher in the subject. It wasn’t until lately that it really began to flower. Keeping track of moods in a mood app, had me focus on the human realm for a few every morning, until I started a week ago I noticed I was avoiding material that I was pushing down, until it subsided. Sometimes I would be trapped between the animal realm and titan realm, until I identified what was happening. Vernon Howard stuck it to me about impartial self observation, that carried to zen mind, beginners mind, then finding thoughts without a thinker. I Knew this was by far a better book, searching for good reads in Buddhism after that, but nothing quite measured up in my view. I found the Kadampas and PIMC as sanghas. I was already sold on Mark Epstein and a spiritual path not a religious one. Knowing thought as thought and giving evenly suspended attention, to me and in me. I am on focusing on myself right now, to nurture this new treasure I have, I hope it doesn’t go away, so far it has not.

February 13, 2025 Don’t fall prey to laziness observing your thoughts and feelings, reactions often happen and sometimes they are deceptively simple injunction to know them as different from the stimulus. Chain reactions can happen and it requires interpretation by observation to separate out the reactions from the stimulus and to know them as different. Not much talk about diminishing reactivity in bare attention but because reactions happen so often it’s critical to take this essential function of bare attention. The method of identifying with impartial, nonjudgmental awareness instead of likes and dislikes brings the future result into the present like in Tantra. Without Epstein’s language I would be confused by undercurrent of material that is on the surface of my mind when mindful of it in impartial way. Mostly mad, sad and glad. In an impartial way, without holding onto glad and mad, and pushing away sad, or simply impartial. Not jumping to conclusions just observing the feelings, not passing judgement on them. Staying open to them with a wide lens. Not knowing what will happen next.

January 5, 2025 Dungeons and Dragons allows me to play a character in social interaction, exploration and combat that RPG’s give. The Alter Ego, the player character in game can help with make believe with rules, a dynamic that causes confidence in social skills and other valuable life qualities through imagination. Like the transitional object, a teddy bear, a favorite toy, the child understands the other and by implication the self. The alter ego is transitional to something new, qualities of mind and skills that are possible through an imaginary world of the Dungeon Master and Players. The most important thing in DnD is the group is having fun and following the group’s bliss. Pleasure is in fact the way to enlightenment. Creating a character for DnD to play in game teaches me how to make one for out of game. I have many roles I play in life, which shows me being a player is mere imputation, and the self is an empty vessel. DnD has taught me there is a nuclear joy kernel at the heart of this game. Buddhist tantra and DnD have something to teach each other, keeping the two traditions intact through discussion. The alter ego maybe a middle ground for this discussion.

December 28, 2024 Separation and individuation, and gender identity seem to be a thing of the past now, the use of pronouns to help identify who you are may still be felt. But the Buddha was deeply interested in the nature of self. Self is a sticky issue, we all have one that has been with us since childhood and when we age this feeling is elusive, but present. Then there is selflessness or the self is an illusion, this is also true if we can focus on the self that we take to be so real at the moment of injured innocence then that is the perfect time to realize the buddhist notion of selflessness. We all have a self, but secular people think its really real, and are more serious about it then they need to be. Next is the ego, we all need an ego, if we didn’t have one then we would be psychotic, it wants to be bigger, more powerful, stronger, richer and so on. The problem is more we chase after these things, the more it becomes a problem to its self. We need an ego to navigate between the inner and outer world. Internal demands rub up against external forces. Like Epstein I have had enough of separation and individuation, I needed connection. I have many roles that I play in life, so the self is also an empty vessel. Identity Politics are still struggling where the Buddha left of, the self is a mystery and without the notion and experience of the emptiness of the “I”, and shifting to temporal metaphors about the nature of self, meditators have an experience of not just a theoretical idea about the self the self remains for them a thorny issue.

December 27, 2024 Practice for death begins in the present moment, so impartial, nonjudgemental awareness to everything there is to observe is one way forward. Bare attention, this posture observes moment to moment appearances without the distortion of attachment or aversion and most helpful narcissistic attachment. Accord to Epstein’s book thoughts without a thinker we can use selflessness at the time of death. He explains this process throughly with injured innocence. But the main thing that Epstein learned was bare attention. All of the Buddha’s insights can be learned from this mental posture. And impartiality is the first essential quality of bare attention. Reminding my self of simple and particular phrases that invoke bare attention. It’s completely natural and enormously difficult. It’s also scary.

December 25, 2024 Now I’m resting without strong reactions in my mind, and am not lost in them, now I can watch the stimulus and reaction clearly and separate them out. Buddhist teachers can put you to sleep, I think is because if I try to hard in meditation I will get lung(wind sickness). Now I am able to rest without a too crazy mind, I can focus on impartiality, openness and nonjudgmental awareness to everything there is to see. Impartiality to my eyes is the first key to bare attention, using this key word as an anchor that I come back to, too focus on the meaning. After that I focus on the four foundations of mindfulness.

December 15, 2024 Usually we think of pleasure coming from a person or a thing to satisfy a desire. And that is were we search for most of the time, pleasure is not bad in fact its the way to enlightenment. The Buddhist discovery about pleasure is they found a joy and a bliss completely within, that comes from bare attention. It can always be recovered. This is the birthright of a human being, when an infant looks up at you with complete love, what happens to that love is it lost or can it be recovered, in the Buddhist teachings it can always be recovered. Through the consistent application of bare attention.

December 8, 2024 Learning to take feelings inward, by being impartial attention to them. Take and come are key words in understanding bare attention. Take whatever is given with bare attention, a flash of the quality of bare attention appeared to me as I thought about the words. The intention is to attain enlightenment and for emotional healing that comes from bare attention. The emotional realm is the window into the Buddha realm. Emotions become the means of awakening instead of the obstacles to my happiness. I think observing feelings and taking them in are linked instead of reactions like screening out and holding on.

December 6, 2024 Thinking about impartiality, or not partial about everything there is to observe. Opening the field of awareness, with a wide lense, taking in everything with choiceless awareness. Mindful moment to moment of thoughts, feelings, sensations in the body and even consciousness its self. If I get absorbed in thought, returning to impartiality in my mind, and open the field of awareness.

November 26, 2023 With DnD and Buddhist Tantra, I try and make an integration between these two, by mutually enhancing the other. By identifying with the character in DnD we develop enthusiasm for destroying the inner enemy through playing in character, in combat and reading the character sheet, we get a sense of the power of the character for destroying the foe. The Hero or Adventurer is absorbing to identify with or we instinctively impute “I” when playing DnD. By Making the character into the Deity or Bodhisattva by making a symbolism character sheet for Player Character, we find the qualities of mind we want to identify with as magical items, clothes, armor, spells, attributes, sub class, so on. For example eldritch claw tattoo is extra damage to the inner enemy and bracers of defense are guarding alertness against the inner enemy. While the body of a Monk character is the observing awareness the opponent to the inner enemy like anger and selfish desire. The Mandala is ever evolving imagination based on the description of the Dungeon Master the clear appearance of the Mandala. Even playing games like Baldur’s Gate 3 can develop joyful effort in overcoming the inner enemy, because in the end the inner enemy is worst than an out enemy, because the inner enemy will never die of natural causes and will keep us trapped in samara for countless eons.

October 14, 2023 Roth is searching for his Enlightenment by alternating between bare attention and breath based, temporally conceived self to cultivate Ki, an unconditional pleasure, not by trying to make it happen, but letting go of his efforts to make it happen an uncommon happiness can arise within. By putting his mind into a neutral resting place that comes from bare attention, if left alone in the right way or given the right circumstances, this pleasure arises naturally, and that comes from playing DnD and self generation for hand of healing and harm. Also I take pride in impartial, nonjudgmental awareness, instead of likes and dislikes of Me. I take Pride in the observing awareness. Already a 5th level meditator. Already complete wisdom has descended (gross and subtle generation stage), receiving blessings from the Buddhas, to attain full enlightenment as a divine intervention. Loving the monstrous within us, coming to terms with it. Destroy the inner enemy. Guarding alertness, attention.Good karma or merit is The treasure or experience points level up. Collective inner enemy is monster or trap. Illmater is eminenation of Buddha. Imagination is a phenomenon source or generic image that transforms into what you see. Ferun is mandala of Heruka. Destroy the four Maras. Wrathful ishavara from the land of controlling emanations try to stop DnD. This tantric spiritual from the perspective of a monk player. Dm is like the spiritual guide. Uncontrollably rebirth is a Mara. Delusion is a Mara. Death is a Mara. Monsters are Maras. Monsters are devaputra Maras in game, from the outside they are delusions to be purified. This view abandons ordinary conception and playing DnD pervents ordinary appearance. Player group karma to experience a monster and treasure. Stomp out the fire. Stomp delusion. It’s only purpose is to cause me harm. Why am I playing DnD to experience enlightenment.

A further quality of bare attention is its unafraid nature, grows out of this interest. The psychiatrist R. D. Laing, at one of the first conferences on Buddhism and psychotherapy that I attended declared that we are all afraid of three things, other people, our own minds and death. His statement came just before his own death so it was all the more powerful. Fear is what, in psychoanalytic circles, is often called resistance. The fearlessness of bare attention must take this very fear as object. In contacting it, the patient can then become more real. In bare attention, the courage or fearlessness that can look at any manifestation of this insecurity is always combined with an equally strong patience or tolerance for that very feeling. Thoughts without a thinker

September 14, 2023 As noted before bare attention is impartial, nonjudgmental and open. It is also deeply interested like a child with a new toy. The key phrase from the Buddhist literature is that it requires “not to cling and not to condemn.” An attitude that Cage demonstrated with regard to car alarms, that Winnocott described in his “good enough mothering” notion and that meditators must develop toward their own psychic, emotional, and physical sufferings. The most revealing thing about a first meditation retreat, after seeing how out of control our minds are, is how the experience of pain gives way to one of peacefulness if it is consistently and dispassionately attended to for a sufficient time. Once the reactions to the pain , the horror, outrage, fear, tension, and so on are separated out from the pure sensation, the sensation at some point will stop hurting. Thoughts without a thinker

September 8, 2023 The next quality of bare attention its openness arises from the capacity to take whatever is give. Requiring the meditator to scan with a wide lens not a narrow one. It takes in everything. It is this openness of the mother who can, as D. W. Winnocott pointed out in his famous paper “The Capacity to be alone,” allow a child to play uninterruptedly in her presence. This non interfering, is induced by meditation. By separating out the reactive self from the core experience, the practice of bare attention eventually returns the meditator to a state of unconditional openness that bears an important resemblance to the feeling created by an optimally attentive parent. It does this by relentlessly uncovering the reactive self and returning the meditator, again and again, to the raw material of experience. According to Winnocott, only in this “state of not having to react” can the self “begin to be.”thoughts without a thinker

August 31, 2023 Freud stumbled upon an attentional technique that resembles Buddhist attention, making use of hypnosis he discovered that it’s possible to suspend the critical faculty which was his “major breakthrough which he refers to over and over again in his writings”. Freud’s writings on the subject reveal the first essential quality of bare attention, its impartiality. “Suspend…judgement and give… impartial attention to everything there is to observe.” He remained interested in their content instead of process. A beginning meditation. This state of “simply listening” to take whatever is given is completely natural and enormously difficult. To shift to an identity based on impartial, nonjudgemental awareness away from likes and dislikes. Not to screen out the unpleasant but to take whatever is given. Thoughts without a thinker

August 24, 2023 Bare attention is a beginning practice and the advanced one, the objects of awareness become more subtle as time goes on from the in and out breath, to sensations in the body, feelings, thoughts, consciousness, and finally the felt sense of “I” in the first place. Self consciousness is extinguished through the practice of bare attention, and a spontaneity arises in its place, this spontaneity is confused with the true self idea. There is no idea of an agent that performs these actions, just bare attention, or the observing awareness. Much of the time our minds are in a state of reactivity, and that’s were bare attention separates out our reactions from the core events themselves. Our identifications with our reactions make them intractable like a Chinese finger trap. If we wish to attain enlightenment, we need to wrap our mind around bare attention because it is able to contain any reaction, making space for it, but not completely identifying with it because of the nonjudgemental awareness that is present. Mark Epstein M.D. thoughts without a thinker

August 17, 2023 At the center of the wheel of life is the core forces of greed, hatred and ignorance all are interconnected. They keep us bound to the wheel of life, unwilling to accept the truth of emptiness or of its existence. This keeps us grasping at the pleasant and pushing away the unpleasant. The last 30 years of Psychoanalysis has brought narcissism into focus, estrangement from our true selves. In Buddhism delusion is the root of greed and hatred. In Psychoanalysis there is debate at whether the instincts are capable of transformation or not, one view is no, they must be regulated under firm control, a “seething cauldron” of “primitive energy” that is not capable of transformation. The other view is it’s possible to transform the drives by giving them “access to consciousness”. The Buddha’s view is definitely the later. "It is in this idea of “thoughts without a thinker” that psychoanalysis has approached the Buddhist view, for it is the elimination of narcissism that Bion is suggesting, a possibility that Buddhism also holds dear."Mark Epstein M.D. thoughts without a thinker

August 10, 2023 The Buddha taught in his 4 noble truths, of the inevitability of our own suffering or Dukkha. “Birth is suffering, decay is suffering, disease is suffering, death is suffering, to be united with the unpleasant is suffering. To be separated from the pleasant is suffering, not to get what desires is suffering. In brief the five aggregates of attachment (the basis of the human personality) are suffering. “ This “pervasive unsatisfactoriness” is caused by narcissistic attachment and grasping in general. All forms of grasping stem from narcissism or self grasping ignorance or delusion. The truth is the self is a fiction, illusion or a mirage. Meditators use logic to get to emptiness, like dependent arising, the experience of impermanence and imagination to get to the truth of emptiness. Because the self doesn’t exist inherently or independent from other phenomena it exists as an illusion. If you taste chocolate, it is sweet, but if you try to explain sweet, all you can do is give them chocolate to know what sweet is, sweet is sweet. You can’t do that with emptiness, it’s like a “mute person tasting sugar”. thoughts without a thinker

August 3, 2023 The Buddha taught, how to escape from self created suffering in particular narcissistic attachment to existence and nonexistence or grandiosity and emptiness. The Buddha did not teach theory, but how to practice in a way to relieve suffering. The Buddha repeatedly refused to discuss certain subjects that grasped absolute certainty. 1. Whether the world is eternal, or not, both or neither. 2. Whether the world in finite (in space), or infinite, both or neither. 3. Whether an enlightened being exists after death, or both, or neither. 4. Whether the soul is identical with the body or different from it. Mark Epstein M.D. thoughts without a thinker He felt that these ideas would give the wrong idea to grasp at absolute certainty or nihilistically reject, both forms of grasping he didn’t find useful. He never taught the existence of a true self. A constant doubting about the fixed nature of things. Instead of giving form to the self, simply bring the two extremes into focus. To free the unconscious hold they exert.

July 30, 2023 When we go to an acupuncturist they put needles into the meridians, in the same way the channels in the body are like meridians in they transport energy or winds, this is the subtle body, where science has a hard time proving the existence of this vajra body, it has been apart of Buddhist Tantra since the Indian Medieval times. Winds act as mounts for minds that travel through the body. There are 3 types of minds, gross waking minds, subtle minds which dissolve into the very subtle mind of clear light. Clear light dawns during death, sleep and completion stage meditation, it’s a very healing mind. That transforms into a Buddha when mixed completely with emptiness. This clear light mind is connected on a basic level with bare attention in that they are both awareness and are an unconditional pleasure that is not connected to external conditions. Where as clear light is a great bliss, which I have no reference point for, the observing awareness may also be a great joy if you put the mind into a neutral resting place that comes from bare attention.

July 20, 2023 To develop the observing awareness which comes from bare attention, I would like to discuss the qualities of bare attention. The first essential quality of bare attention is its impartiality, to not screen out the unpleasant and not to hold onto the pleasant, but to take whatever is given. Next is it’s open, scans with a very wide lens, it takes in everything. “If you can learn to open to the most noxious sounds that come from within you that it’s possible to have a transformative experience. That’s what the Buddha felt and that’s what John Cage is saying.” Then it’s nonjudgemental, not to cling, not to condemn, not to judge. It’s also interested like a child with a new toy. The detachment that Buddha is teaching does not mean disinterest, it means to disidentify, to not take personally that which is happening. A further quality is it’s patient, you don’t jump to conclusions, you just watch it. It’s also unafraid and impersonal.

July 13, 2023 As a meditator we identify with the observing awareness instead of likes and dislikes, of impartial nonjudgemental awareness instead of ordinary pride in “I am this” or “I am that”. This is tightly woven into the achievement of Enlightenment where we take pride in having attained our Enlightenment before it has happened, bringing the future result into the path. In smaller chunks, we identify with already being a 5th level meditator then already a 10th level meditator all the way to 20th level of Enlightenment. This kind of pride is Tantric in nature and helps to acheive Enlightenment by bringing the future result into the path. Ordinary pride, is based on truly existent mind and body, and a truly existent “I” taking pride in them. Which is a wrong awareness, because they do not exist that way.

July 6, 2023 Developing the observing awareness which bare attention cultivates, is the way to Enlightenment, a pleasure that has no condition. This joy is the platform for your own Enlightenment. A peaceful mind that is developed in meditation along the path to Liberation, that has no condition, it arises naturally from within, you can’t make it happen, trying to make it happen automatically prevents it from coming. It only comes when you put your mind into a neutral resting place that comes from bare attention. Sometimes a peaceful mind arises naturally, during the confusion of the day, but this is not what I’m talking about. A transformation of consciousness through the observing awareness can and does happen all the time for the meditator not by trying to make it happen, but by letting go of our efforts to make it happen, an uncommon happiness can arise from within.

June 29, 2023 Often our minds and bodies are not functioning as one, they are often split, mindfulness is the remedy for this situation because of its direct contact to bodily based experience. Thinking our minds as places where we think and bodies as things, that’s why we start with body and breath. To unify the splits that the spatially base metaphor encourages. Once established in the breath we expand our awareness to include thoughts, feelings, sensations in the body and even consciousness its self. Bare attention examines the mind and body the way they are, that in its self is healing, All of the Buddha’s insights can be had for oneself by practicing bare attention and mindfulness.

June 22, 2023 Often we repress ourselves in order to prevent anger from arising from the stimulus. This causes the anger to emerge in our waking dream life. This came from my own self analysis, if bare attention is to be of any use in needs to be applied to these spheres. To diminish reactivity like anger, the key is to separate out the reaction from the core events themselves. To know them as different that’s bare attention. For example let’s say you are driving in New York and someone cuts you off, and you would have an angry response, but if you become angry to often you become a nightmare yourself. The Stimulus someone cutting you off is different is distinct from the anger that’s bare attention.

June 15, 2023 The difficult emotions such as anger, fear and selfish desire are all predicted on a self that we take to be really real at though’s moments. By tapping our anger at the critical moment of injured innocence, to redirect our awareness to the self a particular thing starts to happen, the self feelings begin to seem absurd to us and begin to smile at our own habitual reactions. We begin to take an interest into the nature of self instead of being divested in anger we explore the nature of self. Self it turns out is a metaphor for that which knows, insight practices reveal that such a metaphor are unnecessary or even disruptive. It’s possible to have an ongoing process of knowing without imputing someone behind it all.

June 8, 2023 The final quality of bare attention is its impersonality, like stray dogs that have no owners the stray thoughts and feelings are treated as if they too are ownerless. It’s amazing all the things we have taken to be ourselves start to look more like the weather, clouds coming into the sky causing a storm and then leaving. We tend to watch process instead of content after a while anyways. The detachment that Buddha is teaching does not mean disinterest, it means to disidentify, to not take personally that which is happening.

June 1, 2023 Our mind principally resides at the heart chakra, its nature is clarity or to perceive objects and is bare attention. When coming from this mind we practice the observing awareness of impartial, nonjudgemental attention, our heart stirs in warmth and concern in surprising ways. Instead of observing the heart from above in the mind, but come from the heart with bare attention to thoughts, feelings, sensations in the body and even consciousness its self. To use bare attention in this way speaks to the nonjudgemental quality of the heart in particular.

May 25, 2023 My question is does appearances arise inside the mind or outside the mind? For example a sound of a car may feel initially to come from the outside, but if we listen little more closely, this sound could actually be coming from inside the mind, the mind expands the the range of the car. And if we check more carefully these appearances have the nature of space to them under objective scrutiny, these appearances come from inside the mind and are illusions when we analyze them they break up under objective scrutiny. My point about this is It’s not that they don’t exist it’s just they don’t exist in the way we imagine and thus freeing the mind from reactivity.

May 19, 2023 Meditation masters who have really put bare attention to use the quality of their being is different. Immediacy, humor, empathy, warmth and concern are qualities that spring from bare attention. The beginnings of bare attention are impartial, open and nonjudgmental. The first essential quality of bare attention is impartiality, to take whatever is given, not to screen out the unpleasant and not to hold onto the pleasant. Next is its openness, it takes in everything, it scans with a wide lens. Then nonjudgemental, not to cling, not to condemn, not to judge.

May 12, 2023 The bliss of bare attention arises from its 7 qualities, a pleasure that has no condition. To take whatever is given and opening the field of awareness to include thoughts, feelings, sensations in the body and to consciousness its self. Sounds can give a sense of impermanence that mirrors the internal phenomena. This quality of joy that arises from bare attention is the platform for your own enlightenment. The emptiness that we discussed last week is also blissful.

May 4, 2023 Another way to work with difficult emotions such as anger, fear and selfish desire is to find the self that we take to be so real at though’s moments. The hard nut of the self is best found during injured innocence, when we think “how could she say that to me, I don’t deserve to be treated that way.” Searching for the felt sense of “I” at though’s times under objective scrutiny is in fact unfound and can begin to smile at our own habitual reactions. This is emptiness of the “I” that Buddha discovered to be the solution to all our problems.

April 27, 2023 A pleasure that has no condition springs from bare attention, a joy, love or bliss all have its roots in bare attention. From something that has its beginnings in impartiality all the way to the impersonal nature of this consciousness. That is our birth right as a human being. It doesn’t depend on external conditions, it springs naturally from bare attention, if left alone in the right way, if given the right circumstances this pleasure arises naturally.

April 21, 2023 By diminishing reactivity, we separate out our reaction from the core events themselves. To know them as different, that’s bare attention. A poem that expresses it very well is, the old pond, a frog jumps in, plop! The old pond is your mind, the frog is a thought or a feeling, plop the reverberations of that thought or feeling.

Feelings travel on nerve pathways that are faster than thought, a feeling comes, a feeling of aversion, anger, joy it doesn’t matter what the feeling is it travels on the same pathways, and we will often have a reaction like “uhh not this” or “who is doing this to me”. We know the core feeling as the core feeling and the reaction as reaction. To know them as different that’s bare attention.

April 15, 2023 In mindfulness meditation we move from appetite to breath and space to time, shifting to a breath based, temporally conceived self over and over again until it becomes second nature to see thoughts, feelings, sensations in the body and images, as arising and passing away from moment to moment. Getting a sense of the seemingly transitory nature of the world, and thus the impersonal nature of phenomena of their emptiness.

April 7, 2023 It’s also deeply interested like a child with a new toy. The detachment that Buddha is teaching does not mean disinterest, it means to disidentify to not take personally with that which is happening. It’s also patient, you don’t jump to conclusions, you just watch it. The unafraid nature grows out of this interest.

April 1, 2023 Partial means being biased towards pleasurable experience, which is why the first essential quality of bare attention is impartiality, to take whatever is given, not to screen out the unpleasant, not to hold onto the pleasant. The next quality of bare attention is its openness, grows out of not screening out the unpleasant so it takes in everything, it scans with a wide lens not a narrow one.

March 25, 2023 Let the problem be a problem and examine your relationship to it. What happens is the problem becomes just another meditation object. You can apply bare attention to both the problem and the clinging and process of identification, but you have to know them as different. It frees the awareness from being linked to the problem.

March 18, 2023 Meditation reveals the stark reality of our day to day mind, like a childish protagonist who vigilantly sees who got more none of us have moved very far from this 7 year old, mind is trying to keep the pleasure principle operative. Secondary process of rational thinking that we usually associate with the thinking mind, is more in a constant reaction to how things actually are, comforting ourself under our breath, as a natural starting point.

March 8, 2023 Often our everyday mind is in a state of reactivity, someone will say something, and it becomes a memory which we react to with thought and feeling. By separating out our reaction from the core events themselves and know them as different that’s bare attention. That’s how to diminish reactivity. First take the reaction and let it be a problem, and know the core event as different than the reaction. Which is a deceptively simple injunction.
Feelings travel on nerve pathways that are faster than thought, a feeling comes, a feeling of aversion, anger, joy they all travel on the same paths. Often we will have a reaction like “Uhh, not this or who is doing this to me”, we always separate out our reaction from the core events themselves. To know them as different, that’s bare attention.

March 2, 2023 Bare attention is Mahamudra Tantra in that it cultivates the observing awareness, or awareness of consciousness its self. From Sri Lanka to Tibet this practice of bare attention is the common denominator. Bare attention is a subtle mind of awareness, and there for more powerful then thinking its self. Highest yoga tantra takes this observing awareness to an even finer level of very subtle mind of clear light which is more powerful than imagination, that resides at the heart chakra. The joy of bare attention is related to the joy of highest yoga tantra according to Mark Epstein.

Seeing the nature of self as transitory, like a river, and the observer as the bridge over the river. Gives a sense of ontological security. When we let the impermanent phenomena of mind dissolve back into mind its self, we reinforce the observing awareness, from which it arose. Bare attention or Mahamudra Tantra on a gross level is what mindfulness is about, unless we perceive the subtle felt sense of “I” which gives rise to anger, fear and selfish desire. Then the observing awareness becomes more subtle. Which is more powerful than gross mind of thinking with no self awareness.

February 23, 2023 Let the problem be a problem and examine your relationship to it. What happens is the problem becomes just another meditation object, what is being reinforce is not the problem or getting rid of the problem but the observing awareness, which is bare attention cultivates. Be patient, don’t jump to conclusions, you just watch it.

February 17, 2023 The first essential quality of bare attention is its impartiality, to take whatever is given, not to screen out the unpleasant, not to hold onto the pleasant. Whatever arises, take it in, let it dissolve back into mind, not screening it out or pushing it away. Simply being with it without having to react, which is a deceptively simple injunction.

February 10, 2023 Meditate at the level of the heart chakra, imagining that it is a crystal clear sky, mind it’s self like empty space, which is clarity, clear enough to perceive and understand objects. Return your awareness to mind its self or to the perceiver when it wanders to an object other then mind. To consciousness its self. Don’t push away the thought, feeling or sensation, don’t feed it, don’t let them land. Simply let them dissolve back into mind.

The more subtle the mind the more powerful it is. Bare attention is more powerful then thinking to ones self, because one knows one is thinking. The very subtle mind of clear light is very powerful, and that is what the imagination is leading up to in Tantra. It more powerful than imagination and any other gross mind.

January 6, 2023 Practicing bare attention and mindfulness mixed together, is explained by Mark Epstein. Suspend judgement and giving impartial attention to just the way the breath and body is. Allows the joy of bare attention and vitality or aliveness of mindfulness to peek through our everyday lives.

By expanding the field of awareness from the breath to include thoughts, feelings, sensations in the body and even consciousness its self as they occur, this aliveness the force of eros shines through.

December 29, 2022 If you schedule things in a calendar app., then a bullet journal can help with your intentions, resolutions and goals along with plans for those goals. If your intention is to maintain a mindfulness practice then It will keep your intention front and center as it gets pushed to the wayside, as life has little regard for our plans. Noting mindfulness as it occurs, in your bujo, charts practice over time. New years resolution is coming up, and starting a Bullet Journal can help you remember your resolution or intention over the next year.

December 22, 2022 Writing copy in a bullet journal, to track a mindfulness practice, For instance, noting mindfulness as it occurs, in your bujo, charts practice over time. Rapid logging it is also helpful to declutter your mind, clarify your thoughts and surface priorities . Rapid logging with dynamic list, to remember what needs to happen that day, notes and experience, for example mindfulness of breathing. The Bujo can be a planner, todo list, custom collections, daily log and monthly log. Whatever purpose it serves for you.

December 15, 2022 Take in the fluidity of the breath, I am not talking about the air but the ebb and flow sensations into the heart as a starting point for taking whatever is given. Not screening out the unpleasant and not holding onto the pleasant of impartiality. This is the stem of bare attention, to help get a sense of it. The next essential quality of bare attention grows out of taking whatever is given, it is openness, or takes in everything, it scans with a very wide lens not a narrow one. The usual psychodynamic basis for the self experience is hunger not breath, when this is so, the body is felt as an alien entity, to be kept satisfied, or the mind as a place and the body as a thing. When it is shifted to breath based self, of fluidity and change the psychodynamics change and paradoxically feel more real or vital.

December 8, 2022 When you get angry see if you can find the I that is angry, or the identification with the emotion, tap your aggression to redirect your attention to the self that is angry. Use your mindfulness you developed in order to zero in on a self that breaks up under objective scrutiny. The I hidden behind the anger. This is insight meditation and it pulls the rug from out under the reactive emotions. Narcissistic attachment clings to the I that is angry.

December 2, 2022 Pay attention to the ebb and flow of the breath. Say ebb, at the peak and decline of a breath, then flow at the birth of a breath. pay attention to the transitory nature of the breath, will integrate time into the self experience. As apposed to space, thinking of our bodies as things and minds as places. Altering the habitual mode of self perception. Cultivating calm will not help you with difficult feelings or the problem.

November 24, 2022 My eyes burn when I practice, bare attention at times, this is when I use imagination, to keep my eyes from burning, when they are open, when my back is healing up from sitting etc. At meditation my eyes heal up and I can meditate on my breath with eyes open. My eyes aren’t burning now with them open writing. I may receive blessings at meditation for my eyes for meditation on my breath.

If you have restlessness, and the clinging is screening out the restlessness, simply watch the screening out as a practice. And develop a different relationship to it, this means applying bare attention to the restlessness and the clinging of the screening out, leaving the restlessness alone.

November 12, 2022 Sounds, breath, sensations, images, thoughts, emotions, come and go, transitory, temporal. posture, is important for the meditator. choiceless awareness, it takes in everything, scan with a very wide lens, content to process.

November 4, 2022 We can receive blessings by imagining Guru Buddha in front of us, emanating light rays at his heart, transparent to light, the emanations of blue light touch our heart and bless us with bare attention. Or any Root Guru, of your liking that has the insights that you wish to realize. Use Imagination to receive blessings in our mind and heart, in particular Buddhist Tantra. Blessings are very important in Kadampa Buddhism. Buddha’s mind pervades phenomena, so the Buddhas are always with us in the form of emanations, unless the karma that causes them to appear ceases. So as you can see Gesha La is not ordinary being.

October 30, 2022 First find the judgement, then apply kindness to yourself, whether it is a memory, or self talk. Right speech also means how one talks to oneself. Not to cling and not to condemn are not the only way to work with judgemental thoughts. Nonjudgemental is another word for kindness. Our minds often work on autopilot, giving us memories and self talk that are often judgmental towards ourselves, one remedy is to apply kindness in our heart, when these thoughts arise. The Kadampas use Guru Yoga in a tantric way. In a book called Great treasury of Merit. Referring to Buddha as “Guru Founder blessed one”. It’s just another name for teacher, or in this case a Buddha. Tantric Bodhichitta is more profound than sutra Bodhichitta. Generation stage meditation is more profound because it is self instead of front generation imagination.

October 20, 2022 To examine clinging is a form of interest. By examining with deep interest the difficult feeling an unafraid nature grows out of the examination. Detachment does not mean disinterest. Interest is important in bare attention in that it’s like sometimes you see with a young child with a new toy. Which unafraid nature grows out of which is useful for feelings we have pushed away in ourselves. Often we have reactions to images, which can be separated out from the image when we examine the difference between the two, to know them as different, that’s bare attention. By shifting from the outrage of injured innocence to the identification to the emotion a new door is opened, we can’t be indignant time and again, we begin to smile at our own habitual reactions. This is seeing the emptiness of the “I”, a mirage like appearance of the self is seen.

October 12, 2022 Find your desire to achieve enlightenment. Imagine what enlightenment might be like. Imagine what enlightenment is, imagine you found your enlightenment, the cessation of suffering and great bliss. Bodhichitta, or the compassion to free all beings from samsara, is the motivating force compelling you towards enlightenment. But in Tantra, Bodhichitta is bringing the future result into the path, were you already found your enlightenment as a self generated Deity. Which is more profound then Sutra Bodhichitta. So as you can see the desire for enlightenment is based in joy of bare attention, imagination and self generation on my path. Guru yoga has been an important part of my path, Mark Epstein and Gesha Kelsang. Fake it till you make it.

October 2, 2022 The instructions are simple and specific, like “take whatever is given” or “don’t jump to conclusions, you just watch it.” There are seven qualities of bare attention to get a sense of it, they are impartial, open, nonjudgemental, interested, patient, fearless and impersonal. I need to take bare attention within to release the joy that is the platform for my own enlightenment. The aggressive reorientation of awareness toward the breath based self, helps to shift from content to process. By expanding from the breath to thoughts, feelings, sensations in the body and even consciousness its self. It also helps to see the temporal nature of the body and mind, which makes me feel more real or more comfortable in my own skin. The problem like a pain that comes in the body, is a very good vehicle for concentration. Examining your own attachments, your clinging and your process of identification. In doing that it frees the awareness from being linked to the problem. Right view is on equal footing with right meditation. If the Tibetans are right about enlightenment, then it’s poor Zen.

September 30, 2022 “Shift to an identity based on likes and dislikes to one based on impartial, nonjudgemental awareness.” In Buddhist Tantra they explain how to do this. Kadampas call it divine pride, or as Beatty said Nirvanic pride. By taking within impartial awareness, also the symbolism of the character has all the qualities of bare attention, like short swords for aggressive reorientation of awareness, and a silk rope for the breath based self. A bag of holding for the holding environment. So when you self generate as your character, base Nirvanic pride on the symbolism of the clear appearance of your character. Imagine the character has already found your enlightenment. Try to imagine what enlightenment might be, for me it has to do with taking within bare attention to release the platform of joy. For you your character might have other qualities that inspire you on your quest for enlightenment, like equanimity, love, compassion, 4 noble truths, wheel of life etc. The principle objects to be abandoned in Buddhist Tantra is ordinary conception and appearance, not the 3 root delusions, so they emphasize Nirvanic pride on the outset because deluded pride is most damaging.

September 27, 2022 “There’s nothing else, bare attention runs all through buddhism and straight into the psychotherapy office.” Bare attention can be applied to all phenomena of emotional life, and sensations. How one pays attention to these objects, is the key to being impartial with them. Without disinterest, but detached to them. “Impersonal, like stray dogs that have no owner, the stray thoughts and feelings are treated as if they too are ownerless.” “Its amazing all the things we’ve taken to be ourselves start to look more like the weather, clouds coming into the sky, causing a storm, then leaving. We pay attention to more to process, then to content after a while anyways.” “It is not mine.”Mark Epstein

September 23, 2022 “Reach down into yourself, and come to your senses.” give the breath impartial, nonjudgemental attention. “This kind of attention is in its self said to be healing.” By examining your relationship to the emotional problem, free’s the awareness from being linked to the problem. Examining your attachments, your clinging and your process of identification. Develops the observing awareness which bare attention cultivates. Mark Epstein

September 18, 2022 “Suspend judgement and give impartial attention to just the way the breath is.” This brings impartiality and the breath together. Also pay attention to the sensations in the belly with interest and patience. Or “like a child with a new toy, that comes from bare attention.” And “don’t jump to conclusions about the breath, you just watch it.” The interest comes in particularly handy when the breath becomes contracted or boring. “The detachment the Buddha is speaking of does not mean disinterest, it means to disidentify to not take personally that which is happening.” Mark Epstein

September 14, 2022 Attention to breathing gives an intuition or “an openness to emotional life”, “less rational, and cognitive parts of the self” “A direct apprehension of the patient” This intution gives trust in emotional life for a means or a vehicle for our own awakening. Expanding from the breath to the emotional body, of thoughts, feelings, sensations in the body and even consciousness its self. Mark Epstein

September 9, 2022 “Suspend judgement and give impartial attention to just the way the breath is.” “The first essential quality of bare attention is its impartiality.” “It’s impartial, it’s choiceless, you don’t screen out the unpleasant, you don’t hold onto the pleasant, you have to take whatever is given, it’s impartial.” “It’s also detached, not to take personal, that which is happening.” This quality of mind, “ultimately take within to release the joy that is the platform for my own enlightenment.” Mark Epstein

July 4, 2021 Staying close to the breath, and expanding from there. The Asians gave me permission to watch the breath again, but now I have impartiality to observe the breath. I get a feeling for “temporally conceived self”Epstein, or the transitory nature of the core and thoughts when I expand this way, bare attention can be applied to the breath like anything else, but with mindfulness the breath brings impermanence into focus and can watch the core for it’s transitory nature. Not holding on to the present breaths but examining the underlining impermanence that makes me feel paradoxically more real. Not some trance state. Where does the breath come from, where does it go? It’s a mystery just like the self. I am finding that I repress or negate feelings that I am disassociated with, retreating to the mind and avoiding feelings, mindfulness catches this tendency and returns to the breath. Meditating on close placement with the breath and expanding from there. Being close with the breath is a kind of interest, not judging the breath as good or bad it just is. Sometimes I get reactive thought, but again I know its different from the core feeling or breath, then return to the breath. I can feel impermanence when examining the breath, It is a force that the Buddha recognized and taught. Without the “breath based self”Epstein this impermanence is difficult to feel real. The self is like a river or a stream. The “door way”Temple, to anatta or emptiness must first be felt during selflessness of persons, to see emptiness of form, I needed lots of blessings to my eyes. Maybe experimenting with observational skill will reveal emptiness of the core and thoughts. Taking refuge in the 3 marks of existence and the 4 core mindfulness exercises based in breathing. “Breath based self”Epstein maybe the key to seeing emptiness of the core

July 1, 2021 Practicing mindfulness, expanding to include mind. This self that I take to be so real in fact is empty of inherent existence. Experiencing the mind as it is, without the distortion of idealization. Staying close to the breath, “not jump to conclusions, you just watch it.”Epstein. Cultivating the “breath based, temporally conceived self”Epstein. Simply being with the breath, without clinging, condemning or judging.

June 25, 2021 “The self is a mystery”Epstein, I’ve been trying to find the emptiness of consciousness, by looking away from my mind, but it with no success. Which is the basic emptiness in Mahamudra Tantra from Kelsang. “Striking on emptiness”Epstein when feelings arise in my core, “whatever it is, or is not”Epstein. I can try and find the emptiness of the breath, with the right posture in my mind that comes from bare attention. Emptiness of form has helped to understand phenomena which can help to understand the emptiness of transitory collection. I was told that hugging Gesha La is like hugging space.

June 19, 2021 Breathing as a refuge, mindful of breathing, suspending the mind and observing the breath. Mindful of the core, as I “expand the field of awareness”Epstein into the emotional body and thoughts. The ego which is centered in the intellect creates story, which it believes in. “Suspending the mind”Epstein creates space so as to not take them personally. The self that I take to be so real, in fact doesn’t exist in the way that I imagine. Emptiness of form teaches this, because we learn from our senses as the Japanese Buddhist said. This insubstantiality of form, can be imagined and all the generic images are contaminated with inherent existence. Emptiness without compassion is heartless, so developing love by suspending the mind or body mandala is essential.

June 18, 2021 Not pushing away the “unpleasant”Epstein breaths. Keeping the breath in the periphery, looking up to thoughts from my breath, scanning with a wide lens, as I suspend the mind and return to the breath, if I get lost in thought. By “expanding the field of awareness”Epstein, into “the emotional body”Epstein. “Not to cling and not to condemn”Epstein. “Hang back just a bit”Epstein. “Once that capacity is established then it’s possible to expand the field of awareness even into the emotional body.”Epstein

June 13, 2021 Been suspending the mind, and observing the breath, and when not fully with the breath, I observe it as it is, with other objects of awareness. Maintaining the “breath based self” today, working on “getting the ego out of the way of the breath, and let the breath breathe you”Epstein. Received blessings a few nights ago. And cultivating “mindfulness of breathing” worked on “hang back just a bit”Epstein. And the feelings near the breath, “not to screen out the unpleasent ” the breaths, expanding the field of awareness.

June 11, 2021 Looking at how Chinese Buddhists move, with and without a mala. Chan or Zen is the type of Buddhism that is practiced, but the Chinese, have a mala sometimes, sometimes not. One key that I got was that one Chinese wears yellow robes with no tassle, and the maroon has tassels. I think a tassel means blessing, as far as I can gather. The Guru bead has a tassel. Palms together, or one Palm, arms crossed, holding the mala. The robes of Chinese are still traditional and can be found on Amazon.

June 7, 2021 Finding the mental posture to look at the breath. “Suspend”Epstein the mind “let it float”Epstein, when “suspending judgement”Epstein love awakens in the heart. Meditating on the breath, with this mind as “it is”Epstein, even if it feels I change the feeling if I look at it. This mind of nonattachment or “posture”Epstein can be “established”Epstein as I watch the breath. The meditator can develop “nonjudgmental awareness” because it is “a natural quality of mind”Epstein. “The detachment that Buddha is speaking of does not mean disinterest, it means to disidentify with that which is happening, to not take personally.”Epstein. Even if there is identification with the feeling. To disidentify with the identification.

June 3, 2021 I have been using my mala like the Chinese do, but theirs are much longer, simply holding in my hands while I become aware of my breath. Feelings acompany the breath, trying to get the self out of the way, and meditate on what is. Not pushing away the unpleasant breath or feeling now, finding a mental posture to observe the breath. “Hang back just a bit”Epstein. “Not to cling, not to condemn, not to judge”Epstein is the basic meditation instruction for bare attention. This is the mental posture that observes the breath and emotions. The Asians said I can watch the breath again. To observe what is, without the “distortion”Epstein of attachment.

May 24, 2021 “Negative Blessings” which the Kadampas say can also happen, which is a projection. Or “who’s doing this to me”Epstein which can effect the body, mind and emotions or “where is that thing”Thurman these kind of “negative blessings”Kadampas can occur within my room. Meditation, can make us still to observe “negative blessings” or projections. What ever draws our attention to projections, a sound a sensation, a feeling or thought. Not everything is a projection or “negative blessing”, but meditation can make me aware when they do happen. For example none are happening now. The self is “interdependent”Epstein, with other human beings in ways that speak of negative blessings. The ego or self is a relational process, that under examination is unfound, this selflessness of persons is the doorway into anatta or noself, the first glimpse into emptiness. I do have a self, it just doesn’t exist in the way I imagine. “Negative Blessings”Kadampas, are also a process of projection that meditators with “diminishing reactivity”Epstein or bare attention can observe in silent meditation or during activities, sometimes they are unconscious.

May 12, 2021 Robert B. And Freud have disdain for “phantasy”Freud, this problem of “escapism” or “entertainment” that Robert B. Says is not a good long term solution to the problem of Dukkha or “unsatisfactoriness”Robert B. Even Goldstein reads novels on occasion. Epstein gave a Hindu story in “open to desire”Epstein. So I think novels are ok, once I have some applied science and meditation, Robert B. Said to keep escapism to a mimimim, but mind you even Goldstein reads novels. Also Ram Dass gave stories of Hindu Epic, so there must be a need for stories in life. I “disappear”Robert B. into a novel, but again, Robert B. Doesn’t think it is a good longterm solution to the problem of Dukkha.

May 8, 2021 This “quality”Epstein of mind of bare attention is natural to us, even “simple awareness”Epstein can bring it out to fold the meditative instruction like “not to hold on” or “surrender”Jim Dalton back into what “is”Jim Dalton, doesn’t diminish the teaching of “not to hold on”Jim Dalton as Jim Dalton does, nor does it negate the need for “right view”Epstein, it just simply makes the teaching “is”Jim Dalton. “So meditators learn to surrender into the ebb and flow of the breath.”Epstein What “is”Jim Dalton needs to be viewed with bare attention which is explained in “what the Buddha felt”Epstein.

May 1, 2021 Feeling tummo and bliss in my heart, “simple awareness”Epstein of the vajra at my heart, “mental posture”Epstein of bare attention by “not holding on” to this vajra. Meditate on the tummo, when my mind wanders return to the tummo. Which is a blessing of the body mandala, my body mandala is simple compared to Vajrayogini’s. Bare attention is a “mental posture”Epstein, so that is where “impartiality”Epstein resides in the mind, or “reaching down into myself”Epstein into the “emotional body”Epstein with which becomes “a window into the Buddha realm”Epstein. The mind and body are samsara or The wheel of life of the six realms. The Kadampas have ritual implements, like the mandala kit, vajra and bell and a mala. Why do we need ritual implements, they left that for me to discover.

April 11, 2021 Gregory Maloof gave a talk today, he talked about the differences between secular and spiritual mindfulness and how there is an ethical and beyond that the 7 factors of enlightenment. Loud sounds in the background. He talked the qualities of mindfulness, being nonjudgemental and so forth. Mark Epstein talks about the qualities of bare attention and how “the emotional realm is the window into the Buddha realm”Epstein. Making emotional life into a vehicle for awakening.

April 9, 2021 “Hang back just a bit”Epstein for my meditation practice, I have new pages on Blog which is my main focus. Bare attention, has come to the forefront, “identifying”Robert B., has become a problem I am working with by “not taking it personal”Epstein which is a real experience, or “what the Buddha felt”Epstein. The Buddha “made mistakes”Epstein, and not “perfect”, “Buddha’s claim to Enlightenment”, did not make him “perfect” but the “middle way”Epstein was the “revolutionary thing that he found”Epstein or bare attention and mindfulness. “The psychodynamics of meditation”Epstein explains mindfulness in thoughts without a thinker. Meditating today on “hang back just a bit”Epstein or taking care of my back.

April 4, 2021 “We believe in our heart of heart that things are permanent. Somewhere in here is a self, and we defend our self. About a self that, that is loving and compassionate with each other. We are going to be asking ourself the question Who am I? A perceptual undertaking. The 5 aggregates, body, feeling, mental formations. 32 parts of the body, we have been visualizing 32 parts, am I my parts of the body. A growing objectivity. There are practices to come to some neutrality.Robert B.

April 3, 2021 Reviewing Dreamweaver, and the best way about making a webpage. Being impartial, which I have been carrying that word since high school, meditating on Mark Epstein’s instruction on the first essential “quality” of bare attention “impartiality”Epstein. I carried that word since Vernon Howard, knowing it was the key to self observation, but not knowing what it meant. But the more I meditated on Epstein’s instruction, the more it became clear. By “bringing the future result into the path”Gen La Jansem. For example “choiceless awareness”Epstein, I didn’t understand that until I made the connection to “take whatever is given”Epstein. I’m at the beginning of this “quality”Epstein of bare attention.

March 29, 2021 “Many people come to meditation, for relaxation, emotions, the spiritual of “who am I”. Everything ends, so their is fear, every relationship ends in death, to really embrace this. There is a worthy destination of meditation of less and less fear in our lives. Really acknowledging that it’s temporary. The taste of freedom in the beginning, middle and end. “Its already broken(glass cup)”. We are living art pieces.”Robert B.

March 24, 2021 Been learning Dreamweaver, and the CSS Designer, to make new pages, no multimedia just CSS. Just content and appearances, or sutra and tantra. This is the main thing I have been learning lately, so I can make interesting pages with content, no images just CSS. Having trouble with quick edit, but I can make styles in the CSS Designer, instead of hand code in quick edit, I can put media queries in one style sheet, different screen sizes in one CSS file. I was “hang back just a bit”Epstein on my walk today. The element display is great for adding classes to html elements. I won’t be adding outside links, not even a header on top of the page, just a footer.

March 21, 2021 “8 fold path is a description of reality, a new dharma book a day. World view, wise intention, wise mindfulness, wise concentration. Wise understanding, materialism, it isn’t a lack of stuff, its what happens within us. The cause of suffering is we want them to be different. I can accept things as it is. Wise understanding is the 3 marks of existence. Self is a delusion, what we experience through the sense doors can ultimately satisfy us. The law of karma, 4 ennobling truths. I can shape my personality, and become wise. Mindfulness is the ultimate mystery. 4 foundations of mindfulness, be aware be in the present moment.”Robert B.

March 18, 2021 Working on my back, and watching the push and pull of feelings. Meditation has taken over with “hang back just a bit”Epstein, my back healed up last night and continue to adjust posture. Meditating with eyes open, “examining”Epstein feelings in my heart with “impartiality”Epstein. Looking away just a bit, to see if I can find their emptiness of the attachment. This quality of bare attention, is natural to us, but takes some work to find that posture again. I plan on practicing imagination later today. Still working with the push and pull of feelings. The feeling turned “pleasant”Epstein not getting too close to the feeling. “A neutral resting place that comes from bare attention”Epstein.

March 14, 2021 Keeping my posture, working the muscles to get my back in shape. I started working on my back at the beginning of Tai chi, and Mark Epstein Blessed me with “hang back just a bit”Epstein. This is my mindfulness for now. Back to the basics. The kindness of a Body Mandala is practice once posture is “established”Epstein, then check posture again and readjust with the power of mindfulness. It’s interesting that its the muscle around the back are sore, keeping still. Adjusting back again, and generating kindness. Purification, “hanging back just a bit”Epstein. Noting experience. Purification, adjusting posture.

March 14, 2021 Doyle Banks “I want to share some thoughts on how to grow our heart gardens. Think about growing, our practice in the dharma, garden as a simile or metaphor. Our hearts and mind in the dharma. Preparing soil, a tiller out and break the soil up, then she would ask to put things into it, nutrients. Using this metaphor, what kind of vegetable do I want, what kind of fruits do I want to cultivate. Yielding the harvest, the 7 habits, starting with the end in mind. We want to think right view or karma, we want to think of our thoughts that will create the soil of our hearts, so good things will show up down the road. Virtue, we use as our tools as the precepts. By purifying our hearts we create rich soil, like kindness and compassion. “

March 13, 2021 Back is sore, but maintaining posture, just as Epstein suggested in “hang back just a bit”, that is my mindfulness instead of the breath. That is my main practice, then I apply bare attention to the bliss in my heart, by “hanging back just a bit”Epstein. No complicated language, just simple presences. Without Tai Chi I would have not figured out how to find the meditative posture that Epstein suggested or blessed me with. This is my new mindfulness, it’s not bare attention, but a foundation for that practice. I mostly meditate at my computer chair, with eyes open, this helps me look for emptiness of attachment or any buddhist emptiness in my core, that’s what I am trying anyways.

March 10, 2021 “Let the mind float”Epstein, instead of pushing away unpleasant feelings. Letting “kindness”Robert B., as a power in meditation be the main affect for the “stance”Epstein in meditation. “Benevolence” instead of “obsession”Epstein or “super ego”Epstein is the main affect for Bare attention. Imagination can take the place of other forms of “entertainment”, that’s why Buddhist Tantra which is a Buddhist practice is practiced. It’s not like things are substantial and imagination is not real, phenomena do not exist in the way we imagine. Everything is “interdependent”Epstein, the craftsman depends on imagination to create their work. In the same way in Enlightenment depends upon imagination in Buddhist Tantra. Alternating between practices throughout the day, bare attention, mindfulness and imagination.

March 9, 2021 Still meditating, working on my posture or “hang back just a bit”Epstein which also gives space in the heart. For impartiality of the push and pull of feelings there, or “not to screen out the unpleasant, and not to hold onto the pleasant.”Epstein Coming from a place of “kindness”Robert B. Meditating with eyes open, watching thought storms arising and passing away. On the look out for attachment or the push and pull of feelings, “reorienting”Robert B., my perspective back to impartiality with kindness. Continue working on my posture or “hang back just a bit”Epstein. Holding still, then movement, back to my heart finding space that is blissful and kind. Not pushing away the feeling, observing the feeling by “not screening out the unpleasant.”Epstein

March 7, 2021“Capitalist consumerist materialism, or shall I practice some renunciation, creation of intention. There is some emptiness in reading the new or Facebook. We move into meditation, kind, generous and awake. We become more mindful, by practicing more. If you have not been praciticing then the personality doesn’t have that. Mindfulness of feeling the more mindful we become it my sound clunky at first, the pushing and pulling I really want to turn on the tv or play solitaire what is the feeling tone that I am having. Sitting and baring with I’m bored. How interested in boredom can I be. Suffer boredom until I die. I have an itch take it as a meditation object, it’s the disliking of it that is causing the suffering. If you haven’t practice with feeling we haven’t begun to practice. The meditator has to work with the push and pull or liking and disliking. We also release dopamine when meditating. Instead of going into a trance when playing solitaire bring mindfulness into it.”Robert B.

March 6, 2021 Been meditating, “hang back just a bit”Epstein is the key to my meditation, I continue to adjust my posture, the bliss from “hang back just a bit”Epstein is very helpful for meditation. I glance at my heart, and just be with the feelings. Kadampa style meditation, which is rocking in my chair and eyes open. Getting to know myself better, through “hanging back just a bit”Epstein, when sloth or torpor happens I lean back in my chair. Tai chi has been useful in understanding “hang back just a bit”Epstein, that’s when I started working on my posture. Without that bliss, I could not meditated for hours, I don’t even watch my breath, I just maintain my back posture, look at feelings with a proper distance, “sharpening my focus”Epstein and “changing my perspective”Epstein.

February 28, 2021 Gregory Maloof “Taking all of the Dukkha we have been experiencing, how can I get some wisdom for the past year. As a mindfulness teacher we are going to have discontent this year. How can I lean into it. Ask myself how do I get some wisdom here. Am I prepared to this year. What it comes down to it was a traumatic year. How do I become skillful with suffering. We have a natural way of pushing away from suffering. We suppress in western psychology. We have to lean into suffering. Check to see if you are ready. We meditation works it’s going to give the hindrances. If you are practicing vipassina you will gain the skills are matching the suffering, like video games. We have tools as being meditators. Remember you are always stronger then you think you are. Mindfulness is an enlightenment factors. Concentration is being able to new sense of endurance.”

February 27, 2021 Still finding my seat, torpor now one of the hindrances. It’s difficult to keep my posture, but trying anyways. I now understand what Mark Epstein meant by “hang back just a bit”. Leaning in my seat to get some rest. Rocking in my chair helps, for longer periods of meditation. More torpor, getting rest. Feel more rested, simply being with my heart and mind. The torpor or sloth is gone, now I have energy, I can feel the bliss from “hang back just a bit”, meditating with my head parallel. I’m glad I have rocking in my chair from the Kadampas or I would get sore much faster. Mostly taking emotions or feelings “moment to moment”Epstein. Rocking in the chair, also makes long meditation good with the eyes open looking at the shrine, being in the present.

February 21, 2021 Been on a meditation retreat in my room with light from my window and music. I finally understand what “hang back just a bit”Epstein means, it’s a pleasure from a back posture, without tai chi I would have never understood it. I did most of my meditation on my back, now I meditate in my chair, Kadampa style, rocking in my chair to release restlessness one of the hindrances. I get sleep at night now, so in the morning in meditation I am purifying. I have more then one back for meditation so my back doesn’t get sore for long periods of time. I am not meditating on a particular object, simply being with whatever arises. Or finding my seat. I meditate with eyes open, just like with the Kadampas.

February 21, 2021 “I was making a self that disapproved of my condition. My body has always been hurting. They are very set in their ways. The political situation is dissatisfactory. There is some suffering that is optional. This body doesn’t have any really bad. The Buddha was absolutely right. What remains, when there isn’t it shouldn’t be like this, there is life, with discursive thoughts, it’s like this. Mindfulness of mind, of a constriction the layer of I,I, me, me, mine, mine. One of the axioms check the email, check the news. The Buddha worked with these mental state. We can’t do this kind of work without mindfulness and concentration in the tool kit. We use mindfulness to illuminate wanting. Coming back to the breath to suppress the anger. It’s an irritant, let it be what it is.”Robert B.

February 14, 2021 “Refuge in the now has power, it’s not Buddha a wooden statue or someone who lived 2500 years ago.”Robert B.. “thoughts are empty, they are not as solid as they appear.”Robert B. He wants me to meditate instead of record teaching. “The ubiquitousness of Dukkha. I watch within myself, “I don’t want to do this”. The Buddha taught the second ennobling truth, tanha, something in our mind is “I want that” it’s a nature thing within us, it wants things that don’t exist or not possible, the second aspect of this is a mirror image, experiences what I don’t want. So we start paying attention to what I want or don’t want that is causing suffering, going way beyond mindfulness of breathing, to really examining what is going on. The third one, which is I want to become something that I’m not. A false belief that once I finish the project there will be peace. Whats happening. We start with an intellectual understanding, once we examine they vanish. The 4th ennobling truth with is 8 fold path, which is the treatment plan.”Robert B.

February 7, 2021 Gary Sanders “The first foundation of mindfulness but also these bodies are going to die. All things are impermanent. To daily recite the 5 recollections. I am the nature to grow old, I am the nature to die, everything is the nature to change. My actions are what I stand. All things are impermanent Aniccha, suffering, not self not taking it personal. To know them deeply in our hearts. Embrace how we feel in the moment. I had so much loss in my life. I had a heart attack, small. The grief I feel flooding in, breath with it.” Gary Sanders is a fantastic teacher.

February 4, 2021 Practicing tai chi, with some frequency, no images. Just walking and arm movements, with some golden roasters. Got some sleep last night. Practice ngons, also developing love through a body mandala. Rocking in my chair to release some restlessness one of the hindrances, pulling my head up. Using ancient Buddhist art for the body mandala, which the face is modern style. Kelsang had a dream that he opened his rib cage and Buddha was there. I defiantly like imagination, but once the love is developed then I place my mind on that with placement meditation. The Japanese Buddhist said to use imagination until you become a master, Kelsang did Heruka Mandala to the point where he could close his eyes and see specifically the aspect that he needed to know.

January 31, 2021 Even though the “self is a delusion”Robert B., “the ego is a necessary illusion.”Freud from Epstein. This is one of the reasons the Buddha taught the 5 aggregates of the transitory collection. “Its not like you aren’t real, you think you are really real.”Thurman’s Mongolian teacher. As Robert B.’s quote from a Dzogchen Master “There is no true essence”. Robert B.’s Anatta, is revealed in Anccha or impermanence, he has faith that Anatta, or no self is revealed through impermanence. Body mandala for love in my practice, through imagination and placement of Buddha at my heart, as an object of mindfulness instead of the breath.

January 31, 2021 “Everything is impermanent, to go unconscious, go despairing, about the political situation. Aniccha of the 3rd great extinction, no reflection on aniccha. All component things are impermanent. I woke up early and had some meditation on the couch. Is there a books about Nazi sweep up in Germany. The vainer of civilization is very thin. Being in contact with what is true, how to be in contact with what is true, impermanence is true, anatta that the self is a delusion, since everything is changing and unstable. Human civilization is very unstable, this covid beast, has helped psychotherapist. If we are in denial of grief. We face who am I or what am I. We tend to deny that profoundly. First is to acknowledge, this ongoing loss. How shall we practice, in these frightened times. I aspire to love myself exactly as I am. If I didn’t run into the Dharma when I did, I might be drinking. People that have become radicalized, keeping love and compassion is useful. “Robert B.

January 26, 2021 Mark Epstein said what he discovered is that the Buddha put right view on equal footing with the meditative path. Many of his friends wanted to jump right into right meditation. But Robert B. Said you just need consciousness. The Asians said to me to stop mindfulness of breathing, and just be aware of the emotional body. Even though I love mindfulness of breathing. So instead I do a body mandala, at my heart, I still have a tendency for my awareness to be drawn to my breath. I don’t need fantasy that much because of the self generation and body mandala, this inspires my imagination. Even Robert B. On all of his “adventures”Robert B., is not what it’s about, but self awareness. Not some “adventure”Robert B.

January 26, 2021 “Chest and abdomen, the 8 fold path is in the body, we don’t need to read books.”(this is not exactly what he said)Robert B.. “Consciousness meets the world through the eyes, ears, nose, and tongue and the mind, are they real? Yes in a temporary way, the arising and vanishing of mind objects, noticing sounds that they are here and suddenly gone. Repetition of breath, yet each breath is different. I did that awakening, it has no other characteristics. Try to live in the present moment. One moment at a time, one body sensation at a time. Please turn inside for what we really long for, for peace, it longs for compassion, to be understood, this is the the same for all people. Lets carry this intention for each encounter, guide.”

January 24, 2021 “I remember to come back to the breath, to persist in all kinds of mental states. I had a bad lsd trip the only thing that I could cling to was the breath. After the brain, surgery I practiced through the difficult times. Sometime there is equinimity, every time you come back to the breath. With mindfulness and concentration we have a tool box. We can see the self is constantly changing. Someone discovered tranquility, once one discovers this, we begin to practice more. Piti is something that gives me joy. We do exist in this paradox. We can turn towards, with tools. If we start to develop some curiosity.”Robert B. Candle S “The seven factors are: mindfulness, investigation, energy, joy, tranquility, concentration and equanimity. Sometimes mindfulness is in the middle, to join the energetic factors with the calming factors.”

January 22, 2021 “Personality”Robert B., Trying to develop “impersonal”Epstein of bare attention. Robert B., instruction finally sunk in, keeping me alert to “personality”Robert B., “the detachment that Buddha is speaking of does not mean disinterest, it means to disidentify with that which is happening, to not take personally.”Epstein. Becoming aware of the thorny issues that Robert B. Was talking about how Freud couldn’t just say love but “unconditional positive regard”. The love that bare attention cultivates “within an individual psyche”Epstein can expand into interpersonal relationships. To meditate or place the mind on the feeling that the reading generates.

January 21, 2021 Adventures are not “inherently ordinary”. For example 3d modeling used to make Buddhas then it’s not “inherently ordinary”Kadampas. Robert B’s political fantasy, is a natural response to the political situation. When reading Dharma, make it into a meditation I do analytic and placement meditation. On my own paragraphs. Keeping an eye on Robert B.’s teaching to make sure I stay focused on the Buddha Dharma. Robert B.’s wrath keeps me alert. “Follow your bliss”Kadampas, which for me is the body mandala and self generation, which are reminders of bare attention and emptiness.

January 21, 2021 Enjoying Body Mandala, learning not to take it personally. Robert B. Is expressing love, no wonder he was wrathful about it, through “interbeing”Robert B.. The only thing that Epstein disagrees with Jung is that Eastern practices are too foreign to take inspiration from, that we need our own traditions. I was tweaking a subdivided cube, to make a shape, to understanding subD from a rough polygons. “Dharma doesn’t have anything to do with politics, but we all need the Dharma.”Robert B. The love of nonjudgmental awareness, is what bare attention or the “quality”Epstein of bare attention or our Buddha nature is something I can tap into, through the blessings of generation stage. The wishful imaging of Buddhist Tantra.

January 20, 2021 “Always a leak in the canoe, Doll Link.”As Robert B.’s teacher use to say. Imagining a body mandala, for generating nonjudgmental awareness. Studied a 3d model last night, and practiced Buddhist Tantra, for the joy of imagination and love that is nonjudgmental. I was given too many bad body scans, awareness of the body parts for it to be interesting to me. But accomplished mindfulness of breathing, and now I am more aware of the emotional body, as an object of meditation. Freud reduced the “oceanic feeling in a way that I don’t think was so beneficial”Epstein. “Freud lamented that the best we can do in return someone from a state of neurotic misery to one of common unhappiness. But Buddhism promises more that even common unhappiness is workable.”Epstein

January 19, 2021 Generating self compassion through a body mandala, making “meditation an offering to oneself”. A self blessing, seeing an image of Buddha blesses my mind or “citta”Robert B. With the body mandala I try to be nonjudgmental and self generation reminds me with that. Imagination and bare attention coming together. I enjoy both practices so why not combine the two? It’s special and ordinary at the same time. Buddhist tantra is popular with me, because of the imagination that reminds me of bare attention, without boring words. I still use words to identify the body mandala and self generation, but it’s just meditative instruction. “Escapism” into imagination and bare attention, even the Japanese Buddhist said to use imagination, until you become a master. “Adventures”Robert B. Into the bare attention mandala, which is “special”Robert B., because I use imagination to invoke bare attention. It’s a lot of fun to imagine a new world where bare attention is the main object of meditation.

January 17, 2021 “In honor of this great truth, this poem in honor of David, thus you should look to things as impermanent, all component things are impermanent. Our bodies are only leaves seeking light. Clinging is where the suffering happens.”Robert B. If we can be more loving and less in fantasy, and the stone cutters of the Cathedrals. It’s not our mellow drama it’s our journey. It’s about love and compassion. From my perspective this love comes from bare attention. Not to live in fantasy, or to avoid our inner life, that maybe pain or depression. What Robert B. Discovered was that you can see people in a state of depression or their mood if you can connect to yourself and see what mood you are in. To love without condition and live in fantasy is a miss perception. Fantasy or “wishing fun” is not what it’s about its about living in love or bare attention. The “trance” of the people is not bare attention or mindfulness. Love of the “adventure” makes life more bearable. Mostly Robert B. Talked about love.

January 12, 2021 Feeling stress, then trying to move away, coming back to “hang back just a bit”Epstein. Then the cycle happens again. Less stressful, reactive thought, typing again, moved away again, feeling the stress, moving again, turning into peace. Adjusting my posture, meditating, turned into stress. Moving again, adjusting posture, repressing with movement. That feel is gone now, restful with some butterflies in the heart. Deep breath, with some movement, looked for reactive thoughts.

January 10, 2021 There is no attachment in the joy of bare attention. “Follow your bliss”Kadampa. The “Goal in meditation”Kadampa is “Analytic meditation, where you analyze”Kadampa the paragraph then“Placement meditation”Kadampa, placing the mind on the experience of the Analysis. The Buddha had the first recorded example of self analysis. Robert B. Thinks that Enlightenment “advances”Robert B. Over the years. Using attachment as “a quick method of abandoning attachment”Kelsang.

January 10, 2021 Candle Summer “we try to keep mindfulness in the for” “most of what we cognize in impermanent” “remind us to send kindness to people in our circle.” “The practice is a 24 hour practice, a quote of Ajhan cha let go little, if you let go a lot you with have a lot of peace, for complete peace from complete let go. I woke up and had a bad dream, trying to be to judgemental. Our mind has this habit patterns, my mind freezes with is not to skillful, various emotions arise, joyous attachement, our emotions are happening constantly and how its possible to keep it simple. No emotion is inappropriate with mindfulness, with out complication of judgement, aversion to what is arising. In life we can’t always control vela. We can experience the first arrow, to deny the first arrow, the second arrow is our reactivity. We might have an emotion, it’s our relationship to it. Mindfulness itself is not judgmental. Not mixed up with judgements, we can notice. Buddhism is not freedom from emotions. We can recognize the emotion, I was trying to pick apart the dream emotions. We have been told that some emotions are not ok. Noting the emotions, they loose their grip. Not to take them personally. Emotions are composted event, it’s not an analysis the bodily, when we resist emotions. Mindfulness, helps us to not react or the second arrow. It’s not about getting rid of the emotions. The greater of awareness of emotions the greater the choice we have.(this is not exactly what she said)Robert B.”Candle Summer

January 8, 2021 Robert B.”anchor” to the breath, “the cat says I’m hungry, feed me breakfast”. I coat my stomach when I have a sleepless night, on the edge of hunger, just snacks. It’s important to take care of you stomach by drinking vinegar water. Robert B. “Mindfulness is not special, it’s strange at times.” Epstein transformation happens “at strange moments it isn’t always like Matzu, you are meditating and break through to enlightenment.” “Sleep is a blessing”Robert B. The “clear light of sleep”Kelsang. Robert B. “4 foundations of mindfulness or the 4 pastures of abiding” “mindfulness becomes old hat to meditators”, “be creative with what you say to yourself””creativity is spiritual”

January 4, 2021 Robert B. “Shape”, “with time we can accept with equanimity to except what is.” “The joy of simple freedom” This is the joy of bare attention that “ultimately we have to take within, to release the joy that is the platform for your own enlightenment.”Epstein. “Pleasure is in fact the way to enlightenment”Epstein. “Make emotional life as a means to awakening”Epstein. The “joy of simple freedom” comes from bare attention, but in Buddhist tantra they use attachment as a means to awakening, “a quick method for abandoning attachment”Kelsang. So for “entertainment”, or “escapism” I use visualization to imagine 3D and buddhist tantra.

January 2, 2021 “Special treat for Budho, (Robert B.’s dog), hunger”Robert B., I can “bark like a dog”. Robert B. said “joy” of the blue disk, he gave me a special treat, of visualization!!! When looking at 3D characters, I am trying to understand the polygon flow, by looking at the 5 and 3 stars that are around the shoulder, eyes, mouth etc. And how they reduce or increase polygons (3 star) and change edge flow. These are in the content browser in Maya LT, so how I can learn the polygon flow of characters, stars keep the polygon count low.

December 31, 2020 Starting my goal book journal for the new year. Make plans for the next day, the night before. My mission statement is only a few sentences long. Do problem geometry or 3D modeling for practice. Practice Buddhist tantra to find Buddhahood. Practice tai chi. I still need to think more about my mission statement. Make 6 month goal. I need to think more about this tonight. “Leave the problem alone, what is being reinforced is not the problem or getting rid of the problem, but the observing awareness which is cultivated in bare attention.”Epstein

December 29, 2020 Robert B. Expressed joy when talking about the blue disk meditation, so there is joy in visualization, that includes self generation. Since I am grounded in self generation I can expand to the mandala, all of which are metaphors for bare attention and emptiness. For clear appearance, I meditate on mere appearance or the union of form and emptiness. This counters the “delusion”Robert B. Of ordinary appearance. Mere appearance is blissful as the Kadampas say. “I want to be a Buddha when I grow up”Robert B. A new year resolution. “Meditation as an offering”Robert B., When I have “unworthiness”Epstein, I might be “striking on emptiness, because it plugged into my own experience”Epstein.

December 27, 2020 Robert B., “The karma is the light of the world, we humans are a frail lot. On the direct path to awakening, letting go of grief from the past and longing for the future, be aware of the body that sits here. Noticing, noticing itself. So why not really befriend the breath, it only exists right not, when we are attuned to the breath we are here now. Rom Dass’s book be here now, a world transforming book. Mindfulness is profoundly powerful. Come back to the sensations of breathing. Ruth Denisen, was a great influence in my life. When my Mother died it was of great importance. Being an ordinary person. Bless my parents, they went to the Dean of my collage, maybe I should do for myself. What is it that we want to do when I grow up. I want to be Buddha when I grow up. 7 habits of highly effective people, said you need a mission statement. So I went on retreat to find it. Make New Years resolution. So what shall I aspire. Skillful aspiration is the second aspect of 8 fold path. The attitude of suffering is where the suffering comes from. The Buddhist view is what is it you are unwilling to except. Impermanence is utterly true. There is suffering or a leak in the Kano. The 3 hypothesis of no self. Buddha said karma is the light of the world. I really want to be a Buddha, use the rest of my life to become more wise. It becomes old hat to meditators to observe the thoughts, feelings etc. We are so naturally include kindness, that’s not exactly what the Dalai Lama said. Its natural for use to practice Kindness, goodwill and non harm. (That’s not exactly what he said). What we really want is to be loved. There is a notion, if I am experiencing a lot of greed, what might I substitute, I could practice renunciation, Im not going to pursue that desire. Is it hindering my training to become a Buddha. It’s not about guilt and shame. Spend sometime to create a mission statement. How has your transition to Buddhahood has gone this year. Just pick one virtue to work on 500 times or generosity, or pay attention to someone that I listen to.”

December 25, 2020 Making progress in Buddhist Tantra, by imaging the Mandala of my Enlightened Character, once rooted in self generation, “expand” to include the Mandala, or Enlightened world, making the imaginary things in the Mandala metaphors for bliss and emptiness or bare attention and emptiness. In some ways imagination is more powerful then words. Gen La Jansem said to imagine until that’s all you can see. “It’s not like out there is real and imagination is insubstantial.”Kadampa Nun, the real things out side do not exist in the way we imagine, imagination is wisdom in Buddhist Tantra. Robert B. Even had an imagination meditation that came from the Theravada tradition. Of a blue disk, he had a generic image of it and closed his eyes and imagined it shrinking and expanding. His teacher gave him blue because he needed to be calmed down. And he also “posses”Robert B. “brown”Robert B.. Craftsmen use their imagination to solve problems, which is also used in modeling in 3D. My “escapism” is The 5 complete purities, which is an “meditation as an offering”Robert B.. Problem geometry is my recreation, no big deeds in 3D. Robert B. Is open hearted when it comes to different practices for different people, he suggested that someone who could not focus well and said to do prayer beads.

December 23, 2020 I made some comments like Robert B. Has faith in Buddha, which in fact he has faith in the practice of the 3 marks of existence. So I won’t do that anymore. Another word for posses is “impute”Kelsang which is done in Buddhist Tantra for A Buddha. Just like I posses myself, when I practice the special meditation of self generation I own the feelings of emptiness, instead of “identify”Robert B.. “Owning”Epstein “emptiness feels more real like ourself instead of “attachment” “clinging”Epstein that is when I feel unreal. This self that we take to be so real in fact “never did exist”Robert B.. To “posses”Robert B., or “impute”Kelsang I on myself, is only part of the “unworthiness or low self esteem”Epstein that I “identify with”Robert B., Epstein. To say “part of ourself”Robert B., Epstein is not exactly right I am a “whole”Epstein person, which is a “spacial metaphor”Epstein instead of “temporal metaphor”Epstein, “patterns ever evolving organization”Epstein. I have not been visited by a “monster”Robert B., Epstein, Ram Dass or “Mindflayer”DnD today.

December 20, 2020 “What happens to us and in us at the successive moments of consciousness.”Robert B., “thoughts, feelings and even to consciousness it’s self”Epstein, or the four foundations of mindfulness. Working on self compassion through, buddha at my heart, then “expand”Epstein out to other people. “Hanging back just a bit” or bare attention helps with being tired even at the computer. “Doctor Freud (LOL)”Robert B.. Listening to Epstein and observing my posture. “Bare attention has a particular resonance with emotions”Epstein or “diminishing reactivity”Epstein. Visualization is a special meditation because it’s not bare attention or mindfulness. The meditative instruction “not to cling and not to condemn”Epstein, is interested “like a child with a new toy”Epstein. My self generation has special metaphors for bare attention and emptiness in Buddhist Tantra.

December 20, 2020 Robert B. “You have to imagine it (waves rolling in). The computer is struggling. We are on the living edge, of a 2600 year tradition. Buddha has the same issues as us. The Lady of the lotus. A book about the Buddha from his wife’s perspective. It’s a humanizing book. It reaffirms my faith in this practice(meditation at cannon beach). They train themself, calming bodily discerns calming bodily fabrication. Pay attention when we are disliking or liking or generous, the arising of pain. A moment of reflection and gratitude. We are going beyond the concept of body and chair. To focus the mind, open awareness to the feet, there exist sensations, same with hands and face. And as guided by the Buddha, let us watch the breath. There is a relinquishment of trying to make it a better breath. What you will discover that the mind has a mind of it’s own. This wandering of the mind is as natural as the breath. This awakens, or mindfulness is more powerful than anything else. Maybe the tension in the forehead, deep in the abdomen or shoulders, we have the mistaken notion that we need this tension. The hinderances to insight, desire, aversion, restlessness, agitation worry a sense of not okayness, doubt, conflicting belief systems, the loss of faith, they are energized by the emotions. When you can stay with the breath. The hindrances, put aside the breath and be more curious then you have been “what is going on”. One aspect of mindfulness, is remembering stay intimate with the present moment. Remembering to remember in the middle of half asleep its just knowing. So we become ardent students of life, dissolution factors, the breath arises then it declines then it is gone. Then a new breath, such pounincy and elegance. Sometimes unnoticed in the background we can have a big experience, when this is the experience. Some attitude there is something wrong with me. This is the moment of awakening right now, this moment, this breath, are worthy of complete love, embrace. From time to time we can include the life of the whole body. It’s all alive. At the heart of all of it is as natural as a sunrise, a flock of birds. There is nothing more natural as awakening, we don’t make it happen it was always here, one breath at a time, one wandering mind at a time. Well here we are. I’ve had extrodnary teachers, and each teacher has had a big effect on me. Anything you can be aware of is not you, Is that true? The four foundations of mindfulness, is a teaching that is attributed to the Buddha. We test with our own observation, anicca, Dukkha and anatta. Anatta the self is a process. The four foundations of mindfulness is the process that we free ourselves from suffering. Isn’t it weird that we don’t notice everything is changing, through the 6 sense doors. The four gochras, the four pastures of abiding, all traditions in the world have a book. The books believe that it came from God, if you believe it become saved. Who or what am I, the Buddha taught. We learn to concentrate, mindfulness, curiosity, patience, the 7 enlightenment factors, we have our own telescope, or atom smasher built in. Take the time to practice the four pastures of abiding. The body disappears, does this body lead to a self in this body and experiences deeply, how to change the diaper, drive. Feeling, 6 sense doors, you can imagine a piece of toast, each of the sense doors it’s either pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. We practice with the breath, for the capacity to be awake, very useful. The phenomena, are they permeant or impermeant or is there a self. Strengthing mindfulness through meditation on the breath. I have a wish for you or a prayer for you, at least an hour everyday, its the sweetest most delicious thing to nourish you. This is the path to happiness. “

December 16, 2020 “Narcissistic”Robert B., minds “contaminate”Epstein, the “emotional body”Epstein, or self grasping ignorance. Making things appear “inherently”Robert B. Existent. There are no “inherently bad people”Robert B. The root delusion of greed, hatred and ignorance or ordinary conception, makes them appear to be so, or wrong “consciousness”Robert B.. By purifying the mind, or creating good karma counters the root delusions. We can’t “be somebody without nobody they are inextricably linked, you can’t have one without the other”Epstein. Buddhist Tantric meditation is certainly “special”Kadampa, I have been told I am “ordinary”Robert B. enough, to practice the 5 complete purities and a body mandala, self generation and the mandala of Baldur’s Gate. Working on “mere appearance”Kadampa, as a special meditation for “combating”Robert B., Ordinary appearance.

December 14, 2020 “The Monster of Global warming makes Covid look like an infant.”Robert B.. I’ve been imagining Maya LT, learning the interface and how to create models. Having gratitude for my teachers, warm water, and a roof over my head, which is okay. Last night I was imagining mere appearance or the union of the two truths of form and emptiness as an opponent for ordinary appearance, one of the root delusions of Buddhist tantra. The reason the root delusions are ordinary is because it’s not the exulted wisdom of a Buddha. Meditating on mere appearance is an opponent to ordinary appearance in Buddhist Tantra, wisdom realizing emptiness. Which may seem “special”Kadampa, the Kadampa told me we were “special” not ordinary. Isn’t self generation “special”, I mean imagining I am a Buddha, not acting out from self generation, but acting like myself. The complete eradication of narcissism the root of samsara.

December 13, 2020 Robert B., he had a fantastic Poem “To help us have faith in, something to lean on, in times of painful and pleasant. (3 refuges). They can become incredibly comforting. Turn our imaginations and thinking toward gratitude. To remember, hot running water, central heating, food, so we can gather technically. Think of the things we have grace, gratitude also to the Buddha, an ordinary person like us. Who had two attempts on his life. And here we sit. What is the mood that colors consciousness now. An aspect of mindfulness is it remembers, it is my intention to be awake, loving, compassionate. And to start with compassion for oneself. Letting the breath breathe it’s self. I want to speak to you today about riding the rapids of life. Ruth Denisen said “I don’t like that I have to give a teaching to a group that is cold and don’t know” But she did fine. There is a question of faith, Manindra there was a loss of faith in Buddha. I want to become a Buddha, approach this death and life as a Buddha. There is a purpose of relapse it’s to further to research. There is something to regularity to practice. I want to lay out this model, this is a map to the path to awakening. Robert B. Went over the path to Enlightenment map. Which is on his website.”

December 11, 2020 Knowing that imagination is a means to an end. Having a memory/reaction, “separating out the reaction from the core events themselves”Epstein, “Knowing they are different”Epstein. They are my enlightenment. “Whats happening to you and in you at the successive moments of consciousness”Robert B., or bare attention. “The problem is just as good of a meditation object”Epstein, as self generation. I was “reorient”Robert B., or reorienting to bare attention last night returning again and again to that posture, “suspending judgement and giving impartial attention to just the way”Epstein the heart/mind is. Bare attention is an interesting practice if you don’t just focus on the first essential quality of impartiality, but expand or open to the core.

December 8, 2020 I missed Beatty this Sunday, our “technical Adventure”Beatty, and the “Blessings”Beatty gives. But the great “fortress” was a talk that was given. “Wishful imagining”Beatty, is a transitional mind that solves problems and find Enlightenment, it is not a destination in it’s self. It’s wisdom in Buddhist Tantra, but not an end in it’s self. Both take “practice, practice, practice.” I have a simple body Mandala, Baldur’s Gate is the outer Mandala. The Body Mandala is a Buddha at my heart, which I can visualize as a glowing Vajradharma “blessing”Beatty my heart. With a pea sized sphere radiating 5 colored lights at my heart that is on the central channel. Tai Chi “blessed”Robert B, my “channels, winds and drops”Kelsang. Imagining Mark Epstein my root Guru at my heart “blessing”Robert B, at my heart. Knowledge is of no use without practice.

December 5, 2020 One of the differences between Theravada and Mahayana is I have faith the Root Guru “is”Gen La Jansem a Buddha not “like a Buddha”Gen La Jansem, you have to test the instruction for valid proof that it works in your own experience. Thats why I practice Guru Yoga and have Faith that they have found there Enlightenment, which will help me progress fast on the path to Enlightenment. And request blessings, knowing they have found their Enlightenment. Thats one of the reasons that I quote my Teachers a lot. So as you can see, Beatty has Faith in Buddha, or else he would not practice the 3 marks of existence. But in Mahayana, I place faith in my teachers that they are a Buddha.

November 30, 2020 “Imputing I on emptiness”Kelsang or owning emptiness is important in Buddhist Tantra. The self that we take as so real, it’s ultimate nature is emptiness. “Unproduced space”Kelsang is the best metaphor for imagining emptiness. “The feeling of nothingness”Epstein “we are coming up against the real emptiness”Epstein, “some kind of clinging, identification with nothingness”Epstein. The self that we take to be so real, doesn’t exist at all. Finding “the lack of solidity”Epstein of ourself, and “there for his mind was free”Epstein. By imputing I on emptiness we accumulate great merit or good karma. Imputing I on emptiness is a large part of Deity yoga, it’s not just about imagining ourself as a Buddha. Saying “I am Dragon Buddha” and “imputing I on emptiness”Kelsang we answer the question “who am I?”Epstein and Beatty. Kelsang says finding Enlightenment is the real purpose of Human life. Both bare attention and emptiness are combined in Buddhist Tantra. “Diminishing reactivity”Epstein is bare attention.

November 29, 2020 “There are parts of ourselves that over time we get to make friends with them. The impulses we just don’t say it. Become just less and less reactive. Really take your practice to heart. How are you changing, what’s the impact of that practice. Do the practice of old age sickness and death, they will come this isn’t a mistake. When we perceive existential threat, the alcohol consumption goes up. There was a perpection of fear. There is so much falling apart in life. We can find that place of peace, that contains all of the impermanence. We humans are a strange lot. The social, of the tech world is used to manipulate us, they can do what they want. Basic sanity. We think craving, the reactivity of “I don’t like this” the reactivity is the problem. The Dukkha is the caused by reactivity.”Beatty Beatty also talks about “enemy imagining”Beatty, he means literal enemies.

November 28, 2020 For Creative Yoga I impute I on Emptiness and say “I am Dragon Buddha”. “Still some identification with the feelings of nothingness, they are coming up to the real emptiness, but they don’t quite get it yet.”Epstein. So in Buddhist tantra I “impute”Kelsang “I” onto Emptiness. Tsongkapa said my emptiness is the same nature as the Deity’s emptiness. The sense of self that “I” was born with is uncovered with meditation. “Without having to react the self can begin to be.”Epstein. “You can’t understand emptiness”Epstein without selflessness of persons or the emptiness of “I”, this is the first step in understanding emptiness. Own emptiness in Buddhist Tantra. “Reorient”Beatty awareness to bare attention, or “disidentify with, and open to all that we are.”Epstein. Impute I on a Buddha, or Emptiness and say “I am Dragon Buddha”.

November 25, 2020 In Buddhist Tantra, imaging self generation makes me feel I’m on an “adventure”Beatty to enlightenment, with magical items that “reorient”Beatty me to self observation or bare attention. This imagination has stabilized, but the mind wanders, so I have to reimagine myself as Buddha Dragon, which is an “offering of meditation practice”Beatty. The problem is just as good of a meditation object as self generation. When I am self generating and I have a memory/reaction, I pay attention to that instead of repressing it with self generation. This memory/reaction maybe a Mindflayer or something else. When I start to imagine my journal or interface in a program, for instance I am prone to memory/reactions(frog, plop), that becomes my meditation object. Letting that “problem be a problem”Epstein, and “examine my relationship to it”Epstein or my “process of identification”Epstein. Beatty said meditation frees us from “identification”Beatty. Buddhist Tantra uses the “Delusion”Beatty of “identification”Beatty, with a Dharma Protector or Deity or Buddha to cure the larger problem, the virtue of Draconic Pride for Delusion of Ordinary conception.

November 23, 2020 I’m a craftsman, one of the tools of the trade is imagination. I didn’t know how useful it is for imaging the interface of Maya LT and my journal, until a yew nights ago. I can review the interface, for hours without feeling brain fatigue. It turned out I have a photo graphic memory for some things. Maybe this is why Buddhist Tantra is so popular. When I self generate I feel as if I’m on an “adventure”Beatty of enlightenment. Beatty said that global warming is a far worst “monster”Beatty then the “monster”Epstein talks about. Beatty freed “monster”Beatty for me instead of always being linked to Ram Dass. Invoking imagination for a trade or a spiritual practice such as Buddhism tantra make sense once I use imagination for solving problems. I often get memory and reaction when I start to imagine so I’m prepared for a Mindflayer. It’s a shame we have to use scientific materialism to validate meditative practice, MBSR has proven over and over again that it is useful for a variety of “conditions”Epstein, this comment came from Beatty.

November 23, 2020 “Let the problem be a problem, and examine my relationship to it”Epstein. I am looking at the “process of identification”Epstein that happens when I have this kind of problem. Not messing with the problem, letting it be. The Mindflayer hasn’t visited today. Some negative memories, but mostly peaceful. Practicing bare attention, and imagining my new journal. Imagination is a very useful tool, along with bare attention. Imaging my interface for 3D, for modeling has come in very handy. “This quality of mind” Epstein,“impartial, open, nonjudgmental, interested and patience”Epstein “is what links mindfulness with art”Epstein. “Electronics are simple a chip and a circuit”Beatty. I have done enough “breath awareness”Epstein now it’s time for “hang back just a bit”Epstein. I’m examining “the process of identification”Epstein in my heart, just observing it with interest.

November 22, 2020 Robert Beatty “Hypothesis of impermanence, no self, a training regime. Find a way to sit, come home to your body. We’ve all gone to school for many years, with politics we can believe anything. Make a radical shift, notice where it touches the floor, notice the life in your hands, in your face. And if we are still alive this body is breathing. There is one luminous thing it is anicha. This is where life happens in the now. The Earth is going to be just fine without us.” Or the “breath based, temporally conceived self”Epstein. Selflessness of persons or emptiness of the “I”.

November 19, 2020 My self observation is more open now, “scan with a wide lens”Epstein, have been visited by a Mindflayer, a monster in D&D recently, But there are bigger monsters yet, like Abolith or Global warming. The Mindflayer is in the form of strong negativity, Ann said to imagine your negativity in humanoid form, and mine is a Mindflayer, it has psionic powers, can float and has tenticals for a mouth and is purple. Aboliths are ancient alien intelligences, that are much more dangerous. Increasing my powers of observation by practicing bare attention, which is a “quality of mind”Epstein that we all have. Or as Buddha put it the middle way.

November 16, 2020 Robert Beatty “Its the 15 of November,Make of yourself a light said the Buddha before he died, take the dharma your refuge. Soften ourself in moments of gratitude. I do lots of meetings through out the week. So breathing is happening, hearing is happening. The children are safe, there is food in the fridge. And then most profoundly gratitude for our teachers, our school teachers, dharma teachers who still hold you aloft. Remember our desire to practice. When I am suffering I aspire to hold myself in sweet compassion. That which was unknowable. In contact with the floor the chair. Embracing this incarnation. Notice the life in the hands, in the face, in the breath as it comes and goes.”

November 14, 2020 Been putting bare attention into practice by “hanging back just a bit”Epstein, and searching for reactions. Thats about it, “taking whatever is given”Epstein, working on my posture. “Hanging back just a bit” and “scanning with a wide lens”Epstein. Finding interest in searching for reactions, this helps me to find the right posture, or “beholding”Epstein. Working on myself, with simple meditation instruction of bare attention.

November 8, 2020Beatty “often our first instinctive reaction is wrong, imagine a leader who says 10,000 lies, we need good keeping good records now. Reactivity is so damaging. Mindfulness, keep mindfulness in front, clearly understanding aware of everything we do throughout our life. If we can become aware of greed and hatred, I can go into some sort of moral superiority because of some delusion, depending on what womb I came from. So with the dharma and wise action we become to have a chance, when greed or hatred come. It’s not about them being intrinsically bad about with the other. There is some room for celebration and our practice, purifying our hearts, being less split in here, about interbeing. It’s interesting and strange to me that half the country is in fear. That fear is still there, working for our own sanity.”

November 4, 2020 Bare attention is not “tranquil abiding”Kelsang, even if we need some concentration, at one point I really desired tranquil abiding, but as Zopa said it only takes one slammed door, to destroy it. I thought about it. Did what Zopa said, and not develop deep concentration, but cultivate emptiness and bare attention. The “adventure”Beatty to enlightenment as Beatty’s wheel of life suggests, can be “spontaneous born exulted wisdom”Get La Jansem, it can happen anywhere on Beatty’s wheel of life. Beatty is aggressive about love, just as Tran demonstrated with his students “back fisted bellies” which was halarious, which demonstrated my aggressive redirection of attention to my belly or breath awareness. Which I was doing at Tran’s studio. That’s why on the wheel of life in the Titan realm, the Bodhistavva of Compassion is holding a flaming sword, Buddhism is not “resolutely anti ego”Epstein “it does cultivate that only for wisely seeing where the clinging is”Epstein. Just as Beatty is aggressive about love, I’m aggressive about Frogs “diminishing reactivity”Epstein in my practice, or back fisting bare attention by “hanging back just a bit”Epstein.

November 1, 2020 Robert Beatty “lets notice where the body makes contact with the chair, lets fully incarnate right here. It’s such a risky thing to do, the dare to feel. To notice each breath has a beginning. Arising to fullness, it has a decline then it vanishes. This truth of impermanence is a doorway to freedom. The breathing happens at the level of tissues and bones, the organisms. The Buddha talked about bare attention, its just resting here. As we get calm sometimes there is a gap between inbreathing and out breathing. Then there is thoughts and emotions, in the talk today going to talk about anxiety and fearfulness. And we have the guidance of the Buddha. The stream of our thoughts and actions, if we get caught in them, the outcome is predictable. That we put our feet down, and take a stand. Determined to see thoughts as thoughts and emotions as emotions, we take refuge in that which observes. “

October 30, 2020 Many problems, “hang back just a bit”Epstein, making space in my heart. I had fun last night trying to find the proper distance, lost of negative thoughts, but got rest this morning. Found a goal book journal, which might come in useful. If you are just doing Computer work then an electric standing desk, maybe better but if you need more work area then a larger desk, like myself is better. Being also doing a body mandala, which helps in creating a compassion for yourself. Self generation, helps to remind me of bare attention and emptiness, as well as spiritual “adventure”Beatty. The inner enemy, or root delusions are often present in my thoughts, I know better then to “subjugate”Epstein myself or go to “go to war with yourself”Beatty. Instead I stop myself from subtly distancing myself from them, and return to the “raw sensory event”Epstein. Getting a “sense” of bare attention by playing or having fun with the proper stance or distance from the problem or joy.

October 26, 2020 Using images instead of words to remind me of bare attention. The creative yoga or self generation is blissful, when “beholding”Epstein it with bare attention, not getting too close to the images. Unproduced space of the body can be imagined. The psychological emptiness of the hungry ghost realm, maybe “striking on emptiness”Epstein, “coming up against the real emptiness”Epstein, “because it plugs into my own experience”Epstein. “Some clinging, some identification with the feelings of nothingness”Epstein. All of this came from “what the Buddha felt”Epstein. Once the image is identified with the meditative instruction of bare attention, “it becomes a means or vehicle for our own awakening”Epstein. Deity yoga, is the defining characteristic of Buddhist tantra. The Buddhist Tantra that Kelsang talks about is about clear light and emptiness. Self generation as someone who has found their enlightenment, instead of I myself, make intuitive sense once self generation or creative yoga is practiced for a bit.

October 25, 2020 Robert Beatty talked about “bare attention” and how this is what you practice when practicing mindfulness. The podcast was breaking up on me, so I didn’t hear chunks of it. “This quality of mind”(impartial, open, nonjudgemental, curious, and unafraid) “is what links mindfulness with art”Epstein. Art has a place in Buddhism, especially the Kadampa Tradition. “Bare attention” is direct contact with “life”Beatty where “life happens”Beatty or the Human realm.

October 22, 2020 “Instead of slaying the Dragon, hugging the Dragon”Dan Harris. D&D is not going to change much as a tradition, but Dharma Protectors have a place in Buddhism. Even Zopa believes in Nagas even though he had a 4 year degree, as a Buddhist Artist he made beautiful Thankas and painted Buddhist statues, he was from England so that might have had something to do with it. D&D is about slaying evil, gathering treasure, all kinds of things. The fun or joy of imagination, and from my perspective the fun of bare attention which Mark Epstein talks a great deal about in “What the Buddha Felt”. Dan Harris didn’t have much art in his background, but has a place in D&D. Dan Harris has integrated the Brahma Viharas in his practice but that doesn’t mean D&D is a cold game, you aren’t playing against other characters in an “adventure”Beatty. You work as a team, for common goals, unless you have an Evil party member, which will keep you on your toes.

October 18, 2020 Beatty talked about vedena, desiring to move towards the strawberry or move away from the rice, it’s not an emotion. becoming becomes birth, because of birth is sickness, old age and death. We haven’t given away identity. A rainbow going around the thangka, awakening is always there. The whole cosmology of multiple heavens, like pscyhoemotional realms. We get to the heaven realms by past actions. We learn how to tame the mind somewhat, and it become content or happy in the backyard. The Buddha is holding a lute. The jealous gods are in battle with the gods. The animal realm of instinct, animals can’t reflect on there existence so they can create good karma. This realm is not making progress. Hell realm, “hideous punishment”Epstein, when our emotions are out of control, the suffering is almost unbearable. How shall I act when in the Hell realm. The realm of the hungry ghosts, the addict which we can’t get enough. When we are in ghosts, they can’t be seen or heard, still this clinging. Human realm where life happens, a spiritual practice the ultimate practice to practice mindfulness.

October 14, 2020 If your making a studio, for computer work, it’s important to get the ergonomics right for you. Start with a good desk, for your iMac so to get a keyboard tray with a velocifire mechanical keyboard. If you are tall get an iMac stand, along with a Razer death adder mini v2 mouse. Get wrist pad for typing and the mouse. Get post it notes with pens. If you are working at night get a studio lamp behind your iMac. So hue lighting system would be useful for studio lighting. Get the books you will need and a notebook. Get some snacks, and a coffee mug, all of which you can buy on amazon. Also homePod, or homePod mini and pen and pencil holders.

October 11, 2020 “Feeding long term muscle memory” with tris, Beatty gave a long talk on dependent origination on the wheel of life. I can’t remember most of it, at the time it was making sense. How grasping arises, from feeling, Beatty is going to put it on his blog, so if you are interested you can find it there. How sense contact creates feeling then grasping. The center of the wheel of life is the greed, hatred and delusion drives the wheel, “gives rise to the 6 realms”Epstein. We can interrupt the 12 dependent related links, by “clear seeing”. Bare attention might have something to do with it. Most of the 12 dependent related links, is also explained in Joyful Path of Good Fortune, so it’s in Mahayana and Theravada. It might be useful to understand Freud’s Pleasure principle to understand the wheel of life.

October 6, 2020 “The quality of mind —impartial, open, nonjudgmental, patient, curious and unafraid— links mindfulness with art”Epstein. This shows that art has a place in spiritual practice. If I can develop this quality of mind towards modeling art then it becomes a mindfulness exercise. Once I have “long term muscle memory”, it becomes second nature and I can focus on art, instead of technical problems. Looking at art with this “quality of mind”Epstein or for that matter problems also can be “linked”Epstein to art. To “behold”Epstein the “difficult emotion”Epstein like a “piece of art”Epstein. Not to get too close or distance too much so it becomes criticism or “hang back just a bit”Epstein.

October 5, 2020 In working in 3D I am working with shape, not color so I can animate, that why I primarily model with a mouse so I can rig then animate. I am an amateur modeler, and am learning how to fix problem geometry. My studio is finally together. That why I model with a mouse mostly instead of a tablet. “Frankly it’s about shape.” So it is stylized modeling not realistic characters, which my old school video games are all stylized like Zelda. That’s why I mostly don’t sculpt in 3D so I can “feed long term muscle memory”William Vaughan with the mouse. I have much more experience with a mouse doing the pen tool in illustrator than a tablet. So I can animate not just make sculpture with the tablet. Tibetan style art is beautiful and colorful which can compete with other styles. The Kadampas have lots of beautiful shrines, in the Buddhist world. “This quality of mind—impartial, open, non-judgmental, curious, patient, and unafraid—is what links mindfulness with art.”Epstein

October 4, 2020 I didn’t listen to Beatty today, but on Oct. 2, old poets of China. What do we worship, where do we take refuge. “I still feel lonely, people say I should meditate. I take refuge in the false Gods of fashion. My health is a distraction. “Poem “I accept myself as I am, here this moment, there is only ever now and in this now what is it do we find? Pressure of the body against the chair, the clothing on the body, there are sounds and knowing of these things.”Beatty In this now becoming aware of this in breath this out breath, in the teachings is this a long breath a short breath to know. Become aware of the entire body, fingers, hands, arms etc. Not to struggle with the thoughts, knowing them is plenty.

September 30, 2020 Tired, but am watching how I talk to myself, the inner enemy is lurking within. My root delusions of ordinary conception and ordinary appearance, in particular ordinary conception includes the 3 root delusion, they are ordinary because they are not exulted wisdom of a Buddha. “Buddha didn’t hope much”one of Beatty’s teachers. Made a coffee offering to the Buddha Dragon, not tired now. Remembering unproduced space of the body, so at some point feel the emptiness of the body or “rainbow body”Kelsang. Which would free my mind. I can meditate on other generation stage tantra, because I don’t have a problem right now. When I do have a problem, I try to “diminish reactivity”Epstein. Stillness doesn’t mean a silent mind, it means relating to disturbances from a perspective of bare attention. If it’s a Buddhist practice then it’s working with some sort of delusion. Kadampas always do theory and practice, and balance between the two. Inspecting theory, by reading or listening then place the mind on the feeling that is generated at the heart. I read my blog for my own theory, to see were I need to grow, or remember my teachers instruction. So I am not a leaky pot.

September 27, 2020 “It offends my narcissism”LOL, Beatty. “Body scan, each breath has a beginning, each breath has an arising to fullness, the changing direction to empty, this breathing only takes place in this moment, of course the mind wanders, let go of the fascination. Whats happening now, life right here. Some people take notes, rising rising, in, in, out, out, wandering, wandering. Concentration is the capacity to stay in one place. Meditation is the practice of being awake, always starting over. Awaking from the trance of ideology, life breathing. If we were to take a jar of clean water, then stere in some mud, if we let it settle it become clear again. We learn to allow that to settle. We are streams of the great mystery of life. You might disappear, not the awareness, not the breath. Don’t go to war with yourself, we have enough war. Resting back into the present moment. Being curious what do I notice in this body and mind? Slowly, slowly developing concentration. Opening, opening, opening. Wishing, imagining that we maybe content. Breathing in love, breathing out love. Blessing beings. Robert Beatty, will have something new on his blog. Robert Beatty has a new book.”Beatty

September 23, 2020 Not tired right now, I got a new keyboard which is very useful for typing. Had a problem today, and “hang back just a bit”Epstein, giving it room to “breathe”Epstein and “examined my relationship to it”Epstein or my reactive thoughts to the feeling. Same thing happened yesterday, but the problem lasted much longer. The “problem is just as good of a meditation object as the breath.”Epstein “The problem like a pain that comes in the body is a very good vehicle for concentration.”Epstein. Inspecting my relationship to the “problem”Epstein. Which the ego tries to “get rid of”, trying not to “jump to conclusions”Epstein with the problem. Inspecting my “instinctive””identification”Epstein with the “emotional reaction”Epstein.

September 20, 2020 Craftsman use their imagination all the time, this “pleasure of imagination” is an important tool in their trade. So how important is “imagination” for finding my Enlightenment? It’s considered wisdom in Buddhist tantra. Robert Beatty has a blog if you are interested. He made some long quotes, which I do not remember but have something todo with anatta or no self. He quoted Matt Flickstein, and said all the traditions came in to fruition with in 600 years. Saying we all have a child like aspect to our nature. He also talked about how the Buddha wrote about the Tatgata doesn’t use the pronoun “I”, which probably speaks to the Buddhist truth of selflessness of persons, and the emptiness of the “I”, which Epstein talks about in thoughts without a thinker and psychotherapy without a self. In psychotherapy without a self he goes into detail about emptiness of self and the Arhats experience of that.

September 19, 2020 “Imputing”Kelsang “I” on the “uncontaminated aggregates”Kelsang, in self generation, like bare attention does not “distort”Epstein the “self perceptions”, even if I impute I on “unproduced space”Kelsang this is still a virtues object to meditate on, even if it is not a direct peception of emptiness of the body, I can still see emptiness and work from there. “Identification”Epstein, may be considered a poison or “inner enemy”Kadampas, from the perspective of “impersonal”Beatty “quality”Epstein of bare attention. But in Buddhist Tantra they may use the attachment of “identification” as a “quick method for abandoning attachment”Kelsang. “Identification”Epstein, is like “licking honey off of a razer blade”Demo.

September 17, 2020 Kelsang writes on generation stage Tantra “We may ask how, if these practitioners are not yet actually Buddha Heruka, they can believe they are; and how is it possible for them to gain the realization of divine pride if their view believing themselves to be Heruka is a mistaken view? Although these practitioners are not real Buddha Heruka, nevertheless they can believe that they are because they have changed their basis of imputation from their contaminated aggregates to the uncontaminated aggregates of Heruka. Believing themselves to be Buddha Heruka is not a mistaken view because it is non-deceptive and arises from wisdom realizing that the inherently existent “I” and “mine” do not exist. Their realization of divine pride that spontaneously believes themselves to be Heruka therefor has the power to prevent the ignorance of self-grasping, the root of samsara, from arising.” By believing they are Heruka, they impute their “I” on emptiness of the body and mind, freeing them from self grasping ignorance.

September 15, 2020 This Sunday Beatty, said to imagine yourself as Quan Yin or Jesus or any other figure you identify with, so if Beatty thinks this is ok, then the idealization that Epstein talked about, maybe ok at those times. I will have to read more from Kelsang in Mahamudra Tantra about this problem. Even Beatty’s infinite knowing as Buddha mind maybe his Tantra. Which is similar to the omniscient Bodies of Buddha in Kadampa teachings. Imagination is use liberally in Kadampa practices, I even saw a picture of a woman walking with the shadow of Vajrayogini, is this idealization? Does self generation protect us from ordinary conception, so we can have exulted wisdom? Super Heros are popular now days and people identify with a super power, is this distortion a “pleasure of imagination”Beatty. “Pleasure is in fact the way to enlightenment”Epstein. But Beatty says “renunciation is the real path to happiness”. Beatty thinks the joy or love of mindfulness is better to sustain then imagination, because we can “reorient”Epstein, to mindfulness or bare attention in the beginning as a “one pointed”Epstein practice. I even had two vivid dreams trying to process Epstein’s comment. Even Epstein said I am “drowning in emptiness”. The Vajra or bare attention is the “platform of joy”. Japanese Buddhist asked if I use imagination in practice, saying great meditation masters don’t imagine anymore. Even Beatty and Epstein like Game of Thrones, so at some level they acknowledge imagination has a role in our emotional lives.

September 13, 2020 Robert Beatty gave a talk, about impermanence and the entire “range”Beatty of emotions. Also he said the conditions have to be right to get the pleasure of imagination, but the Kadampas imagine every time they do a teaching on Joyful path of good fortune. They also say the Tibetans have unshakable faith in the 3 Jewels, not like “doubt” in the 5 hindrances. I have been hanging back just a bit, when a difficult emotion arises I instinctively, hang back quickly. Knowing that they can arise at anytime, or “the spirit of emergence”Dalai Lama because of the purification that happened yesterday. The “delusions”Beatty we all have are the “nobody”Epstein and “somebody”Epstein, are extricable linked “you can’t have one without the other”Epstein, just as all 5th Edition D&D characters have flaws. Even if Beatty uses imagination in his description of the 5 hindrances in his new book, Get La Jansem said to imagine Vajrayogini’s mandala until that’s all you can see. Imagining Enlightenment, is a critical tool in the path to enlightenment. Even Je Tsongkapa said “it’s completely opposite in the way I imagined”Epstein. But that doesn’t mean, bare attention and mindfulness are any less important, Epstein clearly states that it is “the platform of joy” for enlightenment. Beatty also talked about the sensual desire “realm”Beatty, and how renunciation is the real path to happiness. Beatty even said sensual pleasures are not bad, like Epstein, like Buddha. Freud talks about the pleasure principle “very clearly”Epstein. Which the 3 root delusions “drive”Epstein, the wheel of life or the 6 realms of emotional existence.

September 12, 2020Practicing “hanging back just a bit”Epstein, taking pains in my heart, and now I feel what it means to hang back, I thought I was pulling away from my heart, but this to is an impersonal process. Feeling tired, and behind my heart, where a lot of experience happens “to me”Epstein. No distortion of idealization, but making offering to the vajra, mostly struggling with Epstein comment, not much 3D now. The purification is done for now, and am resting in my heart. Thinking in my room service chamber, and hanging back. I think this is the work Epstein showed me, not taken surprised as frequently.

September 10, 2020 Epstein recently had a quote having to do with “Development of the capacity to attend to the moment-to-moment nature of mind allows the self to be experienced without the distortion of idealization or wishful fantasy.” Though I move between “hang back just a bit” and “5” complete purities. Is self generation an idealization? “Exulted wisdom”Gen La Jansem is not “wishful fantasy” that’s what the Buddha found in his enlightenment. This is what I am striving for when doing the 5 complete purities, is this just an “idealization”Epstein of enlightenment? I will have to experiment to find out, after all “the platform of joy”Epstein is “moment-to-moment”Epstein of “bare attention”Epstein. Kelsang still gives the teaching of self generation, and Je tsonkapa found his enlightenment but Epstein thinks he idealized women.

September 9, 2020 Been practicing sketching in 3D, it’s like a video game, or “feed muscle memory”. Make shape to animate, instead of shape to color. Had some coffee and got sleep for the past two nights. Making offerings to the Gold Dragon. Reorienting awareness, to “hang back just a bit”Epstein or “impartiality”Epstein, or the last “quality”Epstein of bare attention “impersonal”Beatty and Epstein. The joys of spiritual practice of bare attention is an “offering”Beatty to Buddha Dragon. “Combat”Beatty “ordinary conception”Kelsang which also includes the 3 root delusions or “inner enemy”Kadampas is meant to stir up aggression, to “reorient awareness”Epstein not to do battle or “subjugate”Epstein ourself. The Kadampas are not “resolutely anti ego”Epstein, they also have a Dharma Protector tradition. Imagination is wisdom in Buddhist Tantra, that’s why I do the creative yoga or self generation. The Kadampas also have Shantideva as superior sangha.

September 6, 2020 Beatty talked about equanimity and the Brahma Viharas, based in love, or “loving kindness”. A love “that has room for everything”Beatty. Beatty’s new book has come out. Epstein also talks about bare attention as love, how “the practitioners who really put it into practice, the quality of their being is different.”Epstein. By “hanging back just a bit”Epstein when I have joy, it makes it more intense. I was not part of the Hippy generation or Beat Generation, though my first teacher was a Beat. I played D&D, and the joy that comes from that game. Beatty also talked about not going to “War with yourself” or “subjugating”Epstein yourself. But the Kadampas gave me “inner enemy” to generate the “ego function of mindful awareness”Epstein. Epstein said “Buddhism is not resolutely anti ego”. Equanimity also comes from “bare attention”Epstein. Thats probably why the beginnings of bare attention is “impartiality”Epstein. Beatty also talked about “personality” and “no self or no soul”Beatty, as an antidote of “impersonal”Beatty.

September 3, 2020 Got sleep last night, went for a walk, and practiced bare attention, with the pain that was arising. Had thought reactions, pulling my mind back, from internal phenomena and placing it near the spine. A lot of what happens is a feeling arises and I loose balance, then I return to “hang back just a bit”Epstein. Meditating on what I am told, which is bare attention, when I have a “problem”Epstein. Once the problem is gone then I can return to another meditation object like self generation which keeps the same “posture or stance”Epstein, of bare attention. Not getting to close and not distancing too much so it becomes criticism.

September 1, 2020 “Problems are just as good of a meditation object as the breath”Epstein. “Hanging back just a bit”Epstein, gives me an impartial distance to observe painful and pleasurable feelings. If you “Hang way back” then it becomes criticism not bare attention. Bare attention gives “ontological security”Epstein, even when tired. “Being left alone in the right way”Epstein, this blessing also does this. “Take it easy” or practicing bare attention works with “problems”Epstein and joyful feelings that have not been “processed”Epstein. Aware of “subtle distancing” as one can become attached to even this “method”Epstein. I practiced “breath based, temporally conceived self”Epstein or “breath awareness”Epstein for years before he gave me this instruction.

August 30, 2020 Beatty talked about impermanence, and how everything is transitory, I don’t remember much. But he did talk about the delusions also, man he can talk! I was getting rest while he was talking, he answered questions at the end, the reason I can do meditative tai chi is because of the Jim Dalton’s chi gong there. And my tai chi is also a completion stage practice for Buddhist tantra. Without my Sifu Tran, I would not see emptiness, and he unleashed my meditation, so I meditate on what I am told, not the breath. I did manage to meditate on “hanging back just a bit” last night with some success, trying to do it exactly as Epstein taught, with the precious few minutes I had with him. He imprinted it into my memory, so I have that resource to go back to. Beatty didn’t abandon me, to leave me with my own devices, he made sure I didn’t run astray.

August 27, 2020 Got some 3D sketching in last night and reviewed my 3D to do list, to get my studio into order. I no longer role-play, but video games are based in that industry, at least the ones that I play. For example Breath of the wild, and Diablo. I always liked action adventure games, and they remind me of D&D. Though D&D is easier to develop a Yidam or Deity yoga, then these games, they are still fun. Pen and paper roleplaying like D&D, with the players handbook, with the help of a DM, through “adventure”Beatty, the character is nurtured and developed into something I can identify with, which makes for a good Yidam or Dragon Buddha. Unproduced space as a metaphor or generic image of emptiness, has been helpful on occasion. Clear appearance or “mere” appearance is the apponent to “ordinary appearance”Kelsang. But this is generated after Draconic Pride through self generation has been established.

August 25, 2020 Feel rested, and went to the park today. Keeping a sleep journal, received a sleep blessing. Without India we would not have Buddha or Tantra to practice with. The Chinese invented Tai chi, which in my case it is also a completion stage practice for Buddhist Tantra. Even if I can’t do Tummo on my own without a blessing. Mark Epstein talks about Buddhist Tantra in What the Buddha Felt, that’s for him to explain not me. “Hanging back just a bit”Epstein, which I can think about “right view”Epstein which he puts on equal footing with the meditative path, just as it is in the 8 fold path. Epstein has moved between Buddhism and Psychotherapy trying to understand why people think they are different. Epstein also talks about the “Oceanic feeling”Freud and how Freud misunderstood this mystical feeling, and how “it’s very close to what the Buddha felt”. He doesn’t think Freud understanding “what Roland was talking about in the first place.”Epstein. I rely on “blessings”Kadampas a lot, because there are things I can’t do alone.

August 23, 2020 Beatty gave a talk today, and talked about how the Buddha did ascetic practices which is what India did to the Bikkhus, but he found that that didn’t lead to awakening. Just as Epstein talks about, Beatty also talked about the story of the Kalamas and trying to change what we don’t like and getting more of what we do like and how that interferes with what is actually happening. By contacting and owning what is happening in this moment, we can find how impersonal it actually is. Beatty’s teacher told him that he was trying too hard on a retreat and get some sleep.

August 22, 2020 D&D keeps self generation interesting, the players handbook, for making characters makes it magical, I “hang back just a bit”Epstein when self generating from my heart. “Spiritual practice as an offering”Beatty to the Gold Dragon, or imagination as an offering through self generation. Deity yoga through D&D, for Dharma Protectors or Dragons makes intuitive sense, many things in D&D are good metaphors for Buddhist Tantra. Bare attention, or the that posture is reminded through imagination once I get a sense for it by contacting imagination instead of the words that explain “right view”Epstein. “Imagination is wisdom in Buddhist Tantra”. “It’s all about imagination”Epstein. I just had a joy in my belly, and not tired, “beholding it like a piece of art.”Epstein

August 20, 2020 Enjoying the “open”Epstein nature of children. And hoping to develop this “openness” for my own “internal car alarms”Epstein, which happened this morning. I just had a cup of coffee, and am feeling better. This openness grows out of “impartiality”Epstein or “take whatever is given”Epstein. Did some self generation, to develop Draconic pride, to “combat”Epstein “ordinary conception”Kelsang. “Hanging back just a bit”Epstein when self generating. D&D or the players handbook has come in handy when doing this practice. A lot of the things in D&D are good metaphors for bare attention and emptiness. Even Destroying Monsters as a metaphor for Destroying the Inner enemy, to become a Foe Destroyer(a arhat)Epstein talks about Arhats in Psychotherapy without a self. It’s important to remember, that I do not practice applying opponents to the inner enemy, I do “aggressive reorientation of awareness”Epstein to cultivate bare attention. Buddhism is not resolutely anti ego, for example the flaming sword is a symbol of wisdom in Buddhism. We need this aggressive energy for another kind of ego function, that of “mindful awareness”Epstein. Buddha tried “subjugating”Epstein himself to get rid of “unwholesome” states, but it didn’t work. He found the “middle way”Epstein, which was the “key to his enlightenment”Epstein.

August 19, 2020 I think I have found my “neutral resting place that comes from bare attention”Epstein, I have a sense of “ontological security”Epstein “that comes from bare attention”Epstein. Though I feel some what tired right now I am also restful. “Hanging back just a bit” seems to be the key, my mode of being has shifted, which may have been a blessing. “Being left alone in the right way”Epstein and also tai chi as a completion stage practice might have had something to do with it. I have been doing self generation as a Gold dragon, and making offerings to myself and doing deeds of a Gold Dragon. Developing Draconic pride, or the 5 complete purities. Luckly, I have the players handbook to rest upon. Destroying Monsters is like destroying the inner enemy, Buddhism is not “resolutely anti ego, it does cultivate that for another kind of ego function, that of mindful awareness.”Epstein. Not in the sense of applying opponents, but of “generation of aggressive reorientation of awareness”Epstein or Bare attention.

August 16, 2020 “Openness”Epstein “grows out of taking whatever is given”Epstein. Tired and restful now, which maybe the Human realm, which is to develop bare attention according to Epstein. It certainly is not the Hungry Ghost Realm. I have a response to take a nap, in my mind or “diminishing reactivity”Epstein by “separating out my reaction from the core events themselves”Epstein or the tired feeling and the reactive thoughts about it. “To know them as different”Epstein, “what is being reinforced is not the problem or getting rid of the problem, but the observing awareness which is cultivated in bare attention.”Epstein. I did however have a cup of coffee. Thats my “frog, plop” right now.

August 14, 2020 I have been thinking about being tired and getting sleep or real rest, I have also been talking about it. Buddhist teachers can put you to sleep during a dharma talk, which is a key I do not have. I have been trying to “put my self into a neutral resting place that comes from bare attention”Epstein, but to no avail. I might keep a sleep journal, to keep track of it. Talking about it does seem to help. My iMac has been giving me trouble, that’s why I haven’t been posting, but got a new computer, which helped the situation. My old iMac is working again, which I am grateful for. “Neutral resting place”Epstein, must be the key to working with that noxious sound of being tired, not trying to “distance”Epstein, myself from that feeling, but trying to “open myself to it”Epstein. It’s the main thing that Epstein has taught, and the main thing he learned, so that must be the solution to that “problem”Epstein.

August 13, 2020 Reviewing right view in my mind, and put into practice, that instruction from Mark Epstein. “What is happening to me and in me at the successive moments of perception. Just the bare facts, an exact registering allowing things to speak for themselves for the very first time.”Epstein. What has happened to Epstein is he has moved between Buddhism and Psychotherapy trying to understand why people think they are different. People have “different ideas” and not everyone agrees on the idea of “interdependence”Epstein. Everyone has different opinions.

July 20, 2020 This state of injured innocence is the Buddhist equivalent of the basic fault, but in Buddhism it becomes a tremendous opportunity rather than a place of resignation. From the Buddhist perspective, to reach this state of injured innocence, to hold the feeling of outrage in the balance of meditative awareness, is the entrance to the path of insight. It is just this moment that all of the preliminary practices of meditation have been leading up to, because the path of insight is, above all else, about investigation investigation into the nature of this “I” that feels injured. Until it is felt, it cannot become the object of meditative scrutiny. So in my practice of psychotherapy, I have to somehow celebrate the appearance of this elusive “I,” to convey to my patients at the moment of their most poignant indignation the possibilities that are now open to them. In Zen they might call this the gateless gate, the doorway to the path of insight that, upon close examination, is found to be insubstantial. Epstein, Mark. Thoughts Without A Thinker: Psychotherapy from a Buddhist Perspective (p. 211). Basic Books. Kindle Edition.

July 19, 2020 Looking to the reactive emotions, I think by “looking away just a bit” and see the identification with the emotion, I can see the emptiness of that “I”. Thats the theory, now it’s time for practice. It’s like “looking at a distance star, by looking away just a bit it becomes clearer”Epstein. “The assumption of identity”Epstein, is what awareness is looking at at those times. The “hard nut of the self”Thurman is see best during injured innocence. If the “thinker”Epstein is accepted as “fantasy”Robert Beatty, destroying a belief in “inherently existent self”Epstein, then the egotistical emotions, or the “seed of narcissism”Epstein can be seen as empty. Epstein explains this in thoughts without a thinker, which the practices of “bare attention, concentration and mindfulness give way to analytic insight”Epstein “into the nature of self”

July 19, 2020 “We enter this, we are mostly in greed, hatred and ignorance, lost in thought. But in our time of meditation anything that awareness notices, is this thing going to last? Sounds come, thoughts come and go. It takes a certain, the purpose is coming home to sensations of in breathing and out breathing. It maybe possible that awareness and breathing become one. The 5 hinderances, emotional storms. But there is awareness of the 5 sense doors. Something just emerging out of the mind. If that becomes your awareness, let the breath go and watch that. It’s not about compartmentalization it’s about becoming whole.”Robert Beatty

July 18, 2020 When I think of the four complete purities, in particular the body, I think of a body mandala of the Deity. Imagining the body disappearing into emptiness as also the body mandala, and then imputing “I” on imagined emptiness, we learn from our senses that’s why I see emptiness and not feel emptiness according to the Japanese Buddhist. This is generation stage Tantra, that with imagination arising from wisdom, or emptiness, imagination is wisdom in Buddhist Tantra. This advanced practice, is based in the experience of emptiness. Once this happens then imputing “I” on emptiness we can accumulate great merit. For now I just imagine emptiness and impute I on that for now. What I imagine helps to make it real, feeling emptiness is more hard than seeing emptiness. So I learn from my senses. Also imputing “I” on selflessness of persons, which Epstein explains in thoughts without a thinker.

July 14, 2020 Restless right now, feeling the restlessness, backing away just a bit, it’s a concentration practice, “like a pain the comes in the body, it’s a very good vehicle for concentration.”Epstein. My eyes are not stinging, so I’m grateful for that. I had a cup of tea, but I digress. Gesha Kelsang writes about Generation stage tantra “ In generation stage, through the power of correct imagination arising from wisdom, Tantric practitioners generate themselves as Tantric enlightened Deities such as Heruka, and their environments, body, enjoyments and activities as those of Heruka. This imagined new world of Heruka is their object of meditation and they meditate on this new generation with single-pointed concentration. Through continually training in this meditation Tantric practitioners will gain deep realizations of themselves as Heruka, and their environment, body, enjoyments and activities as those of Heruka. This inner realization is generation stage Tantra.”

July 14, 2020 Bare attention is the technique that best defines the Buddhist approach to working with our own minds and emotions. It is impartial, open, nonjudgmental, interested, patient, fearless, and impersonal. In creating a psychic space analogous to, but not identical with, Winnicott’s transitional space of childhood, it facilitates the ability to transform psychic disturbances into objects of meditation, turning the proverbial threat into a challenge, and is therefore of immense psychotherapeutic benefit. There is no emotional experience, no mental event, no disavowed or estranged aspect of ourselves that cannot be worked with through the strategy of bare attention. In the traditional descriptions of the progress of meditation, beginning practice always involves coming to terms with the unwanted, unexplored, and disturbing aspects of our being. Although we try any number of supposedly therapeutic maneuvers, say the ancient Buddhist psychological texts, there is but one method of successfully working with such material—by wisely seeing it. As Suzuki Roshi, the first Zen master of the San Francisco Zen Center, put it in a talk entitled “Mind Weeds”: We say, “Pulling out the weeds we give nourishment to the plant.” We pull the weeds and bury them near the plant to give it nourishment. So even though you have some difficulty in your practice, even though you have some waves while you are sitting, those waves themselves will help you. So you should not be bothered by your mind. You should rather be grateful for the weeds, because eventually they will enrich your practice. If you have some experience of how the weeds in your mind change into mental nourishment, your practice will make remarkable progress. You will feel the progress. You will feel how they change into self-nourishment…. This is how we practice Zen.11 Epstein, Mark. Thoughts Without A Thinker: Psychotherapy from a Buddhist Perspective (pp. 126-127). Basic Books. Kindle Edition.

July 13, 2020 “Don’t get stuck on the symbol”Robert Beatty,” a foundational way of being. Lets sit and do nothing, the practice of restraining unwholesome states. Bring into being wholesome states. Mindfulness is a wholesome state, perfect exercises, concentration, and mindfulness. It becomes a sweet coming home after a while, breathing in and breathing out. It doesn’t take any thinking or analysis to abide in mindfulness, its just what is happening. When one wants to travel, we use a compass, choosing that direction, its the same as being awake to what is. It makes the 5 hinderances, visible. Develops the awareness of emotions, what we take as I, me mine, its personality becomes apparent. Our emotional nature our traumas its all naturally arising and passing away. It is our pathway home, to come home to breathing in and breathing out. “

July 11, 2020 “Hanging back just a bit” has been helpful when in contact with unpleasant feelings. For example feeling tired or frustration, It’s a concentration practice, “the problem is just as good of a meditation object as the breath, the sensations in the belly, the sounds of the birds”Epstein, “the problem like a pain that comes in the body is a very good vehicle for concentration”Epstein. Seeing the reactive thought or feeling helps with seeing how impersonal “the products of our experience”Epstein are. “Much of the time our minds are in a state of reactivity”Epstein. Developing bare attention “cultivates the observing awareness”Epstein. Feeling anxiety right now, learning to “hang back just a bit”Epstein, letting it be a problem “and examining my relationship to it”Epstein.

July 9, 2020 I’m “hanging back just a bit”Epstein, staying on the “surface”Epstein of the mind, body and emotions, not “digging for frogs” but when reactivity does happen I am aware of it. I’m slowing down on my computer, so I can get more things done. Hanging back in “a neutral resting place”Epstein, when I feel the pull and refocusing back on “hanging back just a bit”Epstein. I’m “diminishing reactivity” with bare attention. I already did “breath based, temporally conceived self”Epstein or impermanence of the transitory collection. The Asians and Epstein have be being aware of emotions and thoughts in my core instead of just the breath. I am not having reactivity right now, “the problem is just as good of a meditation object as the breath, the sensations in the belly, the sounds of the birds.”Epstein

July 7, 2020 “The deceptively simple injunction”Epstein “to separate out the reactions from the core events themselves”Epstein, “there is an enormous freedom to be gained from such a shift”Epstein. Epstein explains it well in thoughts without a thinker, he goes on and on about it in the section Bare Attention. “I was digging for frogs”, but now just staying on the “surface”Epstein, by “hanging back just a bit”Epstein from the mind and heart, staying “open”Epstein with a “wide lens”Epstein. “It turns out we are often in a state of reactivity”Epstein. By seeing these reactions, I see that the process is more “impersonal”Epstein, then I once thought. This is the “key”Epstein to bare attention. “Diminishing reactivity”Epstein through bare attention or “separating out reactions from the core events themselves”Epstein.

“The old pond, a frog jumps in, Plop!” Like so much else in Japanese art, the poem expresses the Buddhist emphasis on naked attention to the often overlooked details of everyday life. Yet, there is another level at which the poem may be read. Just as in the parable of the raft, the waters of the pond can represent the mind and the emotions. The frog jumping in becomes a thought or feeling arising in the mind or body, while “Plop!” represents the reverberations of that thought or feeling, unelaborated by the forces of reactivity. The entire poem comes to evoke the state of bare attention in its utter simplicity. Epstein, Mark. Thoughts Without A Thinker: Psychotherapy from a Buddhist Perspective (p. 113). Basic Books. Kindle Edition.

July 5, 2020 Gregory Maloof,”we need to protect the sense doors”Buddha” media is so energized. The sound of power tools coming into the house, loud sounds, been drawn to social media and digital news. It’s created depressed and anxious, always behind. A sense of media as always 3 steps behind. Grace and ease in the present. What dawned on me, it is so easy to get pulled off course, pulled away. We have never had as much information as now days. It takes time to catch up, the hearts and minds move slower. Respond quicker without thinking. The turtle heart, it’s always lagging behind. It has it’s own needs, being dragged behind facebook. Being out of touch, our minds and hearts don’t move that fast. We need to protect the sense doors, let us be loving to ourselves and to others. How do I get on track, what should I be focusing on to be grounded. Being mindful and alert can protect the sense doors. You can’t have to much mindfulness, always more mindfulness. The goal of mindfulness is in the present moment. We usually in the future or past. Mindfulness is a relationship with the world our life.”

July 2, 2020 Been imagining my computer screens, and a low poly head, trying to understand polygon flow. Labeling components like poles and edge loops on the head to understand better. Spiritual “dimensions”Robert Beatty, he also said imagination is “safe”Robert Beatty. Been practicing getting rid of triangles on a grid. Also I have been imagining Buddha at my heart, with the light rays blessing and purifying my heart, imagining Buddha with some opacity, and my body hollow, to receive the bliss of bare attention that Buddha blesses me with at my heart. Robert Beatty and Epstein don’t imagine much, but it is part of my path.

June 28, 2020 Been listening to Robert Beatty, and he gave a meditation instruction to meditate on the breath. He talked about many things I do not remember. He did say that it’s not about imagining the breath. Like Epstein he said it’s about direct contact to the breath. Robert Beatty did say that it was about bare attention. In thoughts without a thinker he started with “breath based temporally conceived self”Epstein, but the Kadampa’s started with a visualization at the beginning of the teaching.

June 24, 2020 I’ve been imagining Buddha at my heart, radiating colors, blessing me, with the joy of bare attention and emptiness. This body mandala, is Buddhist Tantra and it safe as Robert Beatty says. “Imagination is a simpler practice of Tantra”Kelsang. Also I have been imagining a white light radiating from my skin to ward of evil spirits or projections. We are not Tibetan so we have to create our own Buddhist Tantra, based in our own culture, and DnD or the Players handbook can help. It’s a concentration practice, to develop mindfulness, when I generate Buddha at my heart I return again and again to the image.

June 21, 2020 Robert Beatty talked about Fathers day, and healing our relationship through imagination “which is safe”Robert Beatty. And he talked about greed, hatred and delusion, in particular anatta of no self or emptiness. Had a meditation in the beginning, which had to do with the breath I think. Talked about the three root delusions or “inner enemy”Kadampa’s. But Robert Beatty emphasized love which I am grateful for.

June 19, 2020 “letting go of the efforts to make it happen an uncommon happiness can arise”Epstein, or a “neutral resting place that comes from bare attention”Epstein, “if you let the mind float sometimes it comes naturally”Epstein. This is what I’ve been searching for in bare attention, because of feeling tired. But it might have been a blessing instead of coming from the “observing awareness”Epstein. I’ve been watching the reactive mind and returning to the raw sensory events, or a thought then a reactive thought after that.

One of the distinguishing marks of the Buddha’s teachings was his repeated emphasis on the importance of mindfulness. Familiar, as he was, with techniques of concentration and one-pointedness and the experiences of delight that derive from their practice, the Buddha made it quite clear that these practices were not sufficient for his purposes. He taught that one must not escape into the concentrated absorption of the tranquil mind but rather contemplate what he called the "Four Foundations of Mindfulness," particularly the body, the feelings, the mind, and the thoughts and emotions, which he called "mental objects" or "mental factors " Epstein, Mark. Thoughts Without A Thinker: Psychotherapy from a Buddhist Perspective (pp. 141-142). Basic Books. Kindle Edition.

Robert Beatty talked about a lot of different things, like greed, hatred and delusion. And emptiness of self, which he says is a form of freedom. Ignorance is a problem that no self is an answer to. The audio cut out, so I didn’t get to hear the whole thing. He talked about a lot of problems that are arising socially and environmentally. How to take refuge in awareness, and emptiness of self. He talked about white supremacy and other big problems like climate change.

June 10, 2020 Learning to “open to” difficult emotions, the basic feeling in my heart has changed, not tired, more “unafraid”Epstein. Making difficult emotions more “interesting”Epstein and have feelings of myself which were covered over, by being tired. Been reviewing thoughts without a thinker, finding all kinds of interesting truths about the self image and bare attention. And how interdependent with relationships we all are. Which expresses the basic understanding of emptiness. Projections happen all the time, whether we are aware of them or not. But my main focus is on how to practice on myself, with “self love” or bare attention. Or what is happening to me and in me at the successive moments of perception. We all need each other, to bring about change in the outer world, by looking inward and pushing out for social change.

“and there is the beloved old friend the breath, it connects us with all of life. We live in such a relationship with life. There will always be thoughts, memory, or mood. Awaken to the wandering mind let the winds wash over you.”Robert Beatty. He also brought up racism and the Sangha talked about it, Tim Cook from Apple has a great essay on the website that I read many times.

June 3, 2020 “Taking it easy”today, semi dream state, watching thoughts and pushing away my feelings. Insight into the reactive mind. Listened to Mark Epstein last night, knowing that right view is on “equal footing”Epstein, with the meditative practice. Knowing that I am mostly Epstein guy, like the Kadampa’s they follow Kelsang, for along time to gain insight. It makes it easier to gain insight if I practice with a particular teacher. Self knowledge is hard won, practicing Epstein’s right view makes the groves in the brain easier to follow.

May 31, 2020 “You can just abide” Ruth Denison. “Face directly into the space of this moment. Notice that you are alive. Notice, the pressure against the chair or cushion. There is the experience of life. We bring the thoughts, moods and emotions and sensations that are our life. Where everyone lives in commune with life. Each of the breath has a beginning, and ending. I aspire to love and accept, whatever this experience of this moment is. I aspire to hold myself and them in sweet compassion. Please come home to now sitting and breathing. With the greatest kindness. Come home to the simple in breathing and out breathing. Time and again, coming home to the life of this moment. Rest back into choiceless awareness. The simple knowing of awareness its self, or one of the five hindrances. Each time the mind wonders, recognizing its impermence, its not self, its just arising in this stream. The mind will change as we sit longer, more at ease with it’s self. The pratice of bare attention, of what is actually happening in this moment.”Robert Beatty

May 27, 2020 Been facing difficult emotions, “opening to them”Epstein, with “dispassionate interest”Epstein. “The cloud of sensations”Robert Beatty. “Dualistic”Epstein thoughts, being nonjudgemental towards them. “finding unconscious judgements” which are “dualistic”Epstein. Bare attention, looks at these objects, with an “impartial”Epstein eye. Without using words to be with them. “Hang back just a bit”Epstein, to be with strong emotions and neutral ones. Mindfulness, looks at the emotional terrain or returns too them even if it is “difficult to face”Epstein.

May 24, 2020 “The remembering to be present, sit here and be awake, since that is challenging, for our duration on this planet earth, what remains constant is the body, it’s mysterious aliveness, feel it, feel the life that is this body. The plants need our carbon dioxide and we need their oxygen. Notice the breath, bring love and compassion to the breath. Let the body breathe, it knows how.”Robert Beatty

May 20, 2020 “Dare we wake up to it. Land in the body, the knowing of life, the knowing of sensations.”Robert Beatty. I am no longer watching the breath as a “one pointed or concentration”Epstein meditation. But this is the beginning practice, by “focusing on a neutral sensation like the breath coming in and out of the nostrils.”Epstein. “And once you realize you are no longer, a “oh I’m not paying attention to the breath.””Epstein Then you return to the breath. “Thats the beginning level of mindfulness”Epstein. The way that I practice this was “breath based, temporally conceived self”Epstein which got me into this practice in an on going way, I loved Epstein’s explination of this in thoughts without a thinker. The explination may not be for everyone, but there are many others that will work.

May 17, 2020 "The forces we deal with are oceanic. we have the extraordinary tool kit of the Dharma. Dare we wake up to it. Land into the body, the knowing of life, the knowing of sensations. Their is a letting go of worrying, planning. Resting in this. This mind could have doubt, all the colors of the emotional palette. They are just the weather, their is nothing that is not worthy of our attention. if your trying too hard, take that as an object of meditation. If the mind is discursive, count too 10 breaths. Put down the compulsions. Not making any effort to change the present moment" Robert Beatty.

May 13, 2020 “The qualities of a Bodhisattva”Robert Beatty, which I liked a lot, about limitless “equanimity”Robert Beatty and “can bring incredible love”Robert Beatty. “letting go of the small self”Robert Beatty. I am taking notes on the beginnings of “dimensions”Robert Beatty, or 3D modeling for stylized Buddha Shrines, the start of subD language which is “slang” for subdivision surfaces. “If you slow down you will get there faster”William Vaughan. In the new Unreal Engine 5 coming out 2021 will have cinematic quality games. But I am sticking with the Topology workbooks instead, and study and practice subD for stylized geometry.

May 10, 2020 “Going to be talking about annicha. Impermance is it blazes as a million suns. Being mindful of hearing, refuge from our personality, with that which is awake. The taste at the beginning is freedom, taste in the middle is freedom, the taste at the end is freedom. Come home to the breath, when the mind wanders. No violence is needed simply return to the breath. There is nothing to achieve in meditation, to become a person who can be here. Every time the mind wanders, it becomes the blessed opportunity to wake up. May be encountered by emotions, powerful forces, or doubt the practice killer. Not this not this, until emptiness appears, emptiness of self. The mantra of I love you with your name at the end. Love means there is room for everything. Image a golden being at the center of your heart, pores huge waves filling your body with love, you become this Buddha being. I hope that our culture the struggle that our people are “loss that is our lives”, “Every relationship ends in either separation or death”Levine. Buddha said do the 5 recollections everyday. I am the nature to age. I have not gone beyond aging. I am of the nature to sicken. I am of the nature to die. All that is mine will change. All that is dear and beloved will go away. I am the owner of my karma.”Robert Beatty

May 6, 2020 “Dimensions”Robert Beatty or 3D, I am learning the language for polygon flow from William Vaughan’s books Topology workbooks. As a Modeler Hobbyist I am rereading the first few pages, and memorizing how to work with tris or triangles. After tris it’s ngons, but for now it’s just learning the language and looking at a model that William Vaughan gave to us. I will put into practice also. As I am a Hobbyist Digital Artist not a Role-player anymore. “Tiny Buddha at my heart”Robert Beatty, trying to visualize the Buddha radiating light, which will help me to model a Buddha head. And receive blessings.

May 3, 2020 “with bodhichitta we jump into the problem, we discover a love that will not die.”Robert Beatty”Delusion that we are separate from the world.”Robert Beatty “we choose to become more intimate with the breath”Robert Beatty. “without training we identify with feelings and thoughts.”Robert Beatty. By being nonjudgemental too them we are not totally identified with them. Bodhichitta is compassion for beings, to free them from suffering. Bare attention, is a form of love according to Epstein. The “breath based self”Epstein, or “suspend judgement and give impartial attention to just the way the breath is”Epstein.

May 1, 2020 “Tiny self at your heart”Robert Beatty, helped with “nonjudgemental awareness”Epstein, in the “form of Buddha”Robert Beatty. “Mini me”Jim Dalton is a key to the “body mandala”Kelsang. I practiced bare attention or “diminishing reactivity”Epstein, with sounds, feelings and thoughts, “know the reactions are different from the core events themselves”Epstein. With nonjudgemental awareness “I am not completely identified with them”Epstein. If you are just beginning “shift to a breath based, temporally conceived self”. Or become aware of your breathing, “the beginning of a breath”Robert Beatty. “temporally conceived self”Epstein means aware of impermanence. The breath or awareness of the breath is a very useful object because most of us it is a neutral object. By returning to the breath over and over again is the beginning of mindfulness.

April 26, 2020 “Ordinary we are. To get out of our fantasy of who we should be”Robert Beatty”in this passing moment our karma is ripening, when calm I choose peace, etc. This life is like a dream there is no self”Robert Beatty quoting a Zen Master. “ordinary meditation is about relaxing.””we bring to this moment a color of mood.””there maybe thoughts.””our perceptions get colored by emotions or moods.””being somebody in our insecure world.””come home to the breath.””lots of emphasis on noting””rising, rising, wandering, wandering, hearing, hearing.””wake up from identification of what is.””this moment is like this.””when we can awaken to a mood or emotion. We have a choose to plant a seed of compassion.”Robert Beatty”notice each breath has a beginning.””its not something you have to do.””habituated to make an image out of the breath.””instead we can practice bare attention.””bring attention to region of the heart, imaging a tiny self at the heart, is a manifestation of Buddha, Quan Yin or Jesus radiating love, down into the body and onto the surface of the skin and to the world.” “I accept myself as I am.””Radical acceptance of loving people, radiate loving kindness and blessing, interbeing with life.” “We appear and disappear, voice comes and goes. Impermance, dukkha and no self. “Being ourself is what its about”Robert Beatty and Epstein would agree. “what is yourself is ok.””exactly as you are in this moment”Robert Beatty.

April 23, 2020 “Hostel or frustrating outer world and overwhelming and frighting inner one”Epstein, can be attended to with “dispassionate interest”Epstein as anything else. “separate out your reactions from the core events themselves”Epstein, “to know them as different”Epstein. This is bare attention. “Holding environment by it’s self is said to be healing”Epstein. There is no need to “postulate and intermediate agent that performs them”Epstein or the “true self”idea, Epstein. Apply nonjudgemental awareness too them. “Dimensions”Robert Beatty is my new hobby I am no longer a role-player but an digital artist, so it first starts out with a studio, I would suggest getting hue lights for lighting. I am studying William Vaughan for 3D modeling or “polygon flow”William Vaughan. He makes it clear that you need to learn the language and put in the practice deliberately for a specific goal, in my art this is stylized Buddha head.

April 20, 2020 “fundamentally we are ok”Robert Beatty “being right here in this moment that we can awaken”Robert Beatty “Return back into the present moment.”Robert Beatty”Practice is not changing anything.”Robert Beatty”Room for Everything”, “5 hinderances my arise.””inhabit the body.””open to what is.” “this cloud of sensations.””Qualities of a Bodhisattva” “moods color experience” “The body is the vehicle””Curious about who am I, what am I” “I love you with yourself””consider you are a Bodhisattva””let go of the small self””contain feelings””as a Bodhisattva you can be everyone””As an awakening Bodhisattva you have unlimited equanimity” “converting fears and uncertainty” “You are a Bodhisattva, than can bring in incredible love.””short hand for, be a Buddha when I grow up.”Robert Beatty

April 15, 2020 “Walking it off” which is what I learned from Sifu Tran. Learning to make the “shift”Epstein from “automatic identification with reactions”Epstein, to suspending judgement from them. By “separating out the reaction from the core events themselves”Epstein. Which is “a deceptively simple injunction”Epstein. To “diminish reactivity”Epstein is bare attention “to know them as different”Epstein. “There is an enormous freedom to be gained from such a shift”Epstein. To “contain”Epstein any reaction, because being nonjudgmental towards both, I don’t “identify”Epstein with them as much. Epstein explains this very well in thoughts without a thinker under bare attention.

April 12, 2020 At the talent show someone “did some juggling for us.”Robert Beatty, which was one of the first things that Epstein did, when he encounters the Dharma as Naropa. “Science of self observation”Robert Beatty. “Receptive to whatever is happening in this body”Robert Beatty. “Freedom of identification with the mind”Robert Beatty. “Imagine a golden Buddha at your heart, grows to the whole body, radiating that love to everyone on the planet.”Robert Beatty “dimensions”Robert Beatty for x, y and z in 3D space. Archetypes of Buddha and Jesus as “metaphors”Robert Beatty, for the transformational experience. I am “suspending judgement and giving impartial attention to everything there is to observe”Freud. “which we have all learned from Buddhism”Epstein.

April 10, 2020 “In peace there is acceptance”Robert Beatty, by being “impartial”Epstein, I am not judging the feelings and thoughts that pass through. “Giving them room”Epstein and Robert Beatty, I am developing a different relationship with them, where “the observing function”of the ego, takes feelings and thoughts as object and sees them in an impartial light. “The observing awareness which bare attention cultivates”Epstein. By “hanging back just a bit”Epstein I give emotions “room to breathe”Epstein, “emotions are the window into the Buddha Realm”Epstein. A “more emotional capacity”Epstein is “awakening”Robert Beatty. Where ever my attention goes I pay bare attention to that, “separating out reactions from the core events themselves”Epstein “to know them as different”Epstein. Without Robert Beatty this might not have come together.

April 7, 2020 “x,y and z”Jim Dalton, are “not inherently ordinary”Kadampa’s, I do x to the z for Buddha, so I can receive blessings from virtual shrines. Being a Digital artist, I can create, “which is a spiritual practice” Buddhas, which unlike Hollywood, I don’t have fights in temples. However Tai chi would be ok for me in temples, like in China. Did some impartial self observation and had some success, after that happened I had a selfish conceit which I was impartial towards. I had a cup of coffee which I got to close to, that’s why Tantra is difficult. In this peaceful “Land”Robert Beatty, I can meditate walking and can continue to attain “impartiality”Epstein, the first essential quality of bare attention. By “hanging back just a bit”Epstein, which also includes right posture, which Sifu Tran gave me. This “impartiality”Epstein is at once, love, purification and bare attention at the sametime.

April 5, 2020 I loved Robert Beatty’s meditation today, “conjure up gratitude”Robert Beatty, “let the breath breathe it’s self”, “let the thoughts think themselves”, “remember to remember”, “resolve or intention to meditate”, “find the middle path, not striving too hard, or too lax””Breath as a talisman””daring to be with the breath””over time when you develop the enlightenment factors” “the practice can turn into great ease””colored by doubt””colored with emotion””always the same song of impermanence””can cultivate that which knows””dare to fully incarnate”All of which Robert Beatty said. The “notion”Robert Beatty of renunciation to find “pleasure of meditation”Robert Beatty. He talked some about purification or renunciation. Which is like being “impartial”Epstein, to find “love”Robert Beatty and Epstein which is also another emotion. “bare attention is love really”Epstein.

April 4, 2020 Veterans also listen to music for their fantasy “that’s my fantasy”Matt. I made a shrine change, they are much simpler and they have hue play on now. If you have a shrine I suggest that you get hue lights for them. So music can invoke imagination, for the listener. “Go your own way” is a song that stuck in my mind in high school. I no longer avoid looking at my shrines because of how complicated they were, “keep it simple”. Been making prayer offering and hand mandala’s to the Deities. Requesting blessings and so forth. Mostly enjoying my shrine change, which really made my mind more peaceful. The lights make a big difference, and it is also an offering.

March 30, 2020 Robert Beatty did a fantastic guided visualization, with Deities and everything! “We have the Tibetans to thank for that”Robert Beatty. So I couldn’t be any more happy about that. Then he had a question and answer session, after that. I still think a guided visualizations with meaning are helpful, he once again talked about love, for me this is the practice of bare attention. “To open to or disidentify with whatever is happening.”Epstein. So being impartial “has room for everything”Robert Beatty, it’s not about “wiping out the disturbing emotions”Epstein, it’s about “opening to them”Epstein. Even in China they were having this discussion in more “spiritual or more philosophical terms”Epstein. So this discussion has been happening for a long time in Buddhism. So love is an appropriate word for bare attention. “In peace we find acceptance”Robert Beatty. In Epstein’s response to Ram Dass’s presence, love started to awaken. Ram Dass was “exclusively looking at process” instead of content.

March 27, 2020 Practicing bare attention, by “hanging back just a bit”Epstein from my heart and mind, not neglecting the body. Self observation, is developed through “impartiality”Epstein, which is a “quality”Epstein of bare attention. This first “quality” is the classic definition of mindfulness or “not to hold onto the pleasant and not pushing away the unpleasant”Epstein. This right view helps to get a sense of it. Also try to “scan with a wide lens” of the second quality of “open”Epstein. It’s also “patient”Epstein, “you don’t jump to conclusions you just watch it”Epstein. I am also working with “interest”Epstein “like a child with a new toy”Epstein. This is enough meditation instruction or right view for tonight. I will be practicing bare attention for the night. If I need some new right view it’s in my memory.

March 27, 2020 Receiving blessings of vajra and bell, by imaging Buddha at my heart. So that I develop “observing awareness”Epstein, or “bare attention”Epstein by “hanging back just a bit”Epstein. Just by imaging Buddha you receive blessings, Kelsang. Not “neglecting”Epstein, right view, or “right understanding and right thought”Epstein, which is “on equal footing with right meditation”Epstein. “the detachment that Buddha is teaching does not mean disinterest, it means to disidentify with that which is happening.”Epstein. One way of developing this interest is to do a body mandala or self generation. Making sure I have good posture at the computer, that Sifu Tran taught me. A body mandala might be a substitute for a “body scan”Robert Beatty. Imagining “unproduced space”Kelsang or Emptiness of the body. So that’s it bare attention, emptiness and 5 complete purities, body mandala and self generation. When I find myself in a realm other then the human realm, I will try to work with that emotion.

March 27, 2020 Quiet today, my maya studio is together, not even watching youtube. Mostly using my imagination for 3D modeling, with some Vajradhara at my heart, blessing my “mental continuum” Kelsang, with five colored lights. My computer is finally together ready for maya lt with studio lighting. I’m trying to memorize a 3D model head so I know how to work with poles and edge loops. Still working with self observation mixed with imagination, to bless the “channels, winds and drops”Kelsang, at the “heart channel wheel”Kelsang. Thinking at how to make a stylized buddha head in 3D. I am just a hobbyist, digital artist not a pro, but still focusing my effort in modeling. Trying to keep good posture at the computer.

March 22, 2020 “More peaceful”Robert Beatty if you are too aggressive it will cause lung. “in peace we find acceptance”Robert Beatty. “Buddhism is not resolutely anti ego it does cultivate that in seeing where the clinging is”Epstein. “set of reactivity”Robert Beatty. “Add a mantra to the breath” “may I be happy on the in breath”Robert Beatty “on the out breath may I be at peace.”Robert Beatty or “calm body, calm mind” Robert Beatty. Like the Tibetans say “life is a magical display to consciousness”Robert Beatty. “Thoughts are like flowers in the air.”Robert Beatty. Meditation is the “end of personal identity”. “We appear magically at birth and disappear magically at death.”Robert Beatty. “unborn, undying”Robert Beatty. “finding identification with thoughts and emotions we find freedom”Robert Beatty. Robert Beatty talked about tonglen, and had us practice some. Robert Beatty also has “a quiver of 400 poems to choose from” so even Robert Beatty is not resolutely “anti ego”Epstein, even if he talks a lot about love. He was teaching in “empty room”Robert Beatty.

March 20, 2020 I found a “whole complex of selfish conceits”Epstein, when doing bare attention, every time I tried to meditated on my core, this conceit or “manas” would arise. Simply being aware of them they “vanished”Robert Beatty. Also I imagined a “body mandala”Gesha Kelsang, when watching my core or heart, I have images of Buddhas now I’m not a blob buddha anymore. I imagined Vajradhara at my heart, decending from my crown the size of an egg. Which made me feel good about epic imagination. Gen La Jangsam said I have a “good imagination” it might even be better then that now, because I can imagine real Buddhist statues now. I can mix self observation with imagination now, which blesses my “channel wheels”Gesha Kelsang. Even my Mom changed her mind about “fantasy” once she learned about how they thought about it, which is what Robert Beatty, was trying to get through to me with. Meditating with Buddhas, emanating light and so fourth makes the meditation feel “magical”Robert Beatty.

March 17, 2020 Nathen at DnD didn’t use the word fantasy he said “high fantasy”, so even he thinks that term is contaminated or without purification. Psychoanalysis is about what is actually happening like Buddhism, not some fantasy trying to imagine your way out of the present neurotic emotions. My Mom thinks, and she is an older woman, that the whole thing is “intellectual” nonsense, that in fact imagination is a form of fantasy, that Disney is fantasy also. Bare attention, however is not about imagination or fantasy, it’s about relaxing into awareness. Bare attention is a big part of Buddhist Tantra like Emptiness. “Buddhists be wantin they imagination clean”. Even in Mahamudra Tantra, Kelsang never used the word fantasy. I respect my Mother, so it’s important to remember that all not all Epic fantasy is contaminated, like Harry Potter, which Gen La Jangsam liked. Even Robert Beatty liked Game of Thrones, which he thought was good “imaginary characters”, or as Nathen would call it and most role-players “high fantasy”. So even open minded Buddhists think that kind of imagination is good, but they still didn’t use fantasy in practice, only imagination.

March 17, 2020 On the other hand both Epstein writes “Tantra is all about imagination” and the Kadampa’s only used imagination. I don’t know if they own the word fantasy or not. I mean Disney is fantasy, how to come to a conclusion. Something in the back of my mind says the word is contaminated, when I was in my teens that word only meant Dungeons and Dragons. Epstein thinks “fantasizing is ok”, but Robert Beatty is adamant about it’s negative connotations. Buddha was about what was happening right now, not about mulling over future fantasy. Later in Mahayana developed Tantra, they used imagination which Gen La Jangsam only used that word with me, not fantasy. Police and military read Fantasy Novels, to get away from the reality of the present moment. It’s irritating that I can’t use that word because of the fond memories I associate with that word, in middle school and high school. So their is something about the word Fantasy, that Buddhists don’t like but Epstein unlike Freud thinks in a sense is ok. I mean Freud called it Phantasy.

March 15, 2020 “Emptiness is blissful”Demo, If it wasn’t then it wouldn’t have a vajra end on the bell. Did some Buddhist Tantra tonight and feel better, because of imagining I found my enlightenment with another character. Imaging what that would be like, and getting into character. Reminiscing about DnD and the importance of the imaginary life to staying healthy, I don’t watch movies so I need this in Buddhist Tantra. DnD is a great way to practice Buddhist Tantra. “Splitting hairs” of imagination and Fantasy, maybe intellectual nonsense. If we didn’t have that how would the Dream body matabolize emotions, during the daytime? Is Disney Fantasy? Do adults need Disney? If like myself you don’t watch tv or movies that often, would we need a novel instead? I’m not saying that bare attention, is a waste of time, actually the opposite bare attention needs us to know the observing self so I can have a real relationship with myself without the distortion of likes and dislikes. My old understanding of Fantasy came from Dungeons and Dragons, like and empty pot, we can fill this vessel with and imaginary character, that has symbolism of bare attention, to remind me of my main practice. I have found I do not need a lot of this imaginaition, but there is a need, not to get depressed.

March 15, 2020 “Empty mind”Robert Beatty, impermanent phenomena of the meditation like “analysis”Robert Beatty, also aware of “empty room” he was teaching in. “Remember to be mindful of the breath”Robert Beatty. “Diminish to zero”Robert Beatty “Dare to be open to this body”Robert Beatty. if “discomfort emerges become very curious, we don’t or can’t predict what will happen in meditation”Robert Beatty. Then he talked about the “8 worldly concerns”Gesha Kelsang. Beatty’s “medical adventure” “changed me”Robert Beatty “tenderized my heart”Robert Beatty. “Imagination of the hall filled with you.”Robert Beatty. “Monster of Globel climate change”Robert Beatty. “Shutting down PIMC was to protect all of us.”Robert Beatty. “Hell realm” “this is terror” “Because of the med I was on.”Robert Beatty. Someone asked Robert Beatty how to “metabolize the terror with the breath”Student, Robert Beatty said “Pay attention to thoughts, let it work it’s way through.”Robert Beatty. “offering a class”Robert Beatty. “Vicissitudes of life”Robert Beatty is key to “working through”Freud. At the end of Robert Beatty’s class he did a loving kindness class in which “imagine hugging them.”Robert Beatty

March 11, 2020 Not tired today, I am keeping good posture, which I have been working on for years and it finally came together. I did some bare attention yesterday with the posture and had some minor success. The posture helps with watching my core. If I hang back too much then it causes pain and criticism, so instead I tried to “float”Epstein, Epstein has changed he is teaching bare attention instead of breath awareness. “Hanging back just a bit”Epstein is impartiality or bare attention. I can practice “not to push away the unpleasant”Epstein and it will not cause lung or wind sickness. Writing for Epstein is difficult, luckily I don’t have to write like that here. Buddha may have been the first therapist, at how to end suffering.

March 8, 2020 “explorers”Robert Beatty find “internal paths that are minds”Kelsang. Robert Beatty said he loves the Theravada map and he talked about the heart sutra and how form is emptiness and emptiness is form it’s like “two sides of a coin”Kadampas. Robert Beatty was referring to “3 profundity of the two truths being the same entity”Gesha Kelsang Heart of wisdom page 25. On page 26 “the meditation on the first profundity of the aggregate of form” “Form is empty” later that page Kelsang writes “In general, the five aggregates include all impermanent phenomena-any impermanent phenomenon can be included in one of the five.” Anyways you can see Gesha Kelsang is very concise. and he goes on explaining “Form is empty” from I think a Prasnangika view not a Chittamatran or Yogicara view.”It’s heady stuff”Robert Beatty. Gen La Jangsam explained Emptiness the first day I was there, saying that if we try to find a flower by analyzing the parts by pulling one petal off at a time, the flower is left with nothing. Another day he explained it like if you park your car and go back outside to find your car its like someone had stolen it.

February 16, 2020 Robert Beatty was fantastic today, even after his medical “adventures”Robert Beatty. He talked about a Theravada visualization of a blue disc, uhh, in the beginning of Kadampa they have you imagine the Buddha field, with all the Deities even if they are Blob Buddhas. He gave a talk about how to become less neurotic and more loving, with a slide show, usually I just listen. He also talked about the five hindrances and their antidotes. They blessed my by putting me to sleep, which I needed, but woke up during laughter. We did some refuge with the three Jewels, I had a good meditation, even the pains I didn’t push away. “Examine my relationship to them”Mr. Epstein or the problems. Robert Beatty didn’t think he would have a stroke like his Mother, he said he was “delusional”Robert Beatty or an “illusion”Robert Beatty, that staying healthy he wouldn’t have those problems.

February 13, 2020 Mindfulness is about contact with the reality of the present moment, “the breath based, temporally conceived self”Mr. Epstein is mindfulness. This doesn’t have anything to do with fantasy, this fantasy will just get into the way of what is actually happening. If I get too aggressive with particular meditation goals like becoming “less reactive, or more peaceful”Mr. Epstein it will get into the way of the actual meditation process. Which is “self observation”Robert Beatty, “self observation”Robert Beatty is a more simple practice then impartial self observation. Which can cause Lung or a wind disorder, if too aggressive. The Kadampa’s did imagination even at the beginning of Joyful path of good fortune, for receiving blessings in the mind and heart. So there is a difference between Mahayana and Theravada. My main practice with Mr. Epstein was the “breath based, temporally conceived self”Mr. Epstein, after that he gave me “hang back just a bit” or impartiality of bare attention. But the Japanese Buddhist said “great meditation masters” don’t practice imagination anymore. Je Tsongkapa after his enlightenment, still did mandala offerings to give a pure example. I think Robert Beatty only believes in Buddha’s enlightenment, Mr. Epstein also believes in Je Tsongkapa’s enlightenment, not just Buddha’s. Je Tsongkapa also practiced Tantra, which also has to do with Deity yoga. This has a lot of imagination, but it is important to remember that Mr. Epstein and Robert Beatty emphasized mindfulness in the beginning not bare attention or Buddhist Tantra. “Adventurers”Robert Beatty are “equipped”DnD with mindfulness and bare attention on their path to Enlightenment. In my case the Kadampa’s gave me “inner enemy” with no opponent forces, but with the Vajra of bare attention. Mr. Epstein thinks Shantideva is has too much subjugation, so I take “inner enemy”Kadampa’s with a lighter touch. “Buddhism is not resolutely anti ego, it does cultivate that only in seeing where the clinging is”Mr. Epstein. So the term “inner enemy” helps to “aggressive reorientation of awareness including the assumption of identity.”Mr. Epstein. Because of the “Dynamic Unconscious” Mr. Epstein it’s difficult to “destroy the belief in an inherently existent self”Mr. Epstein. So the inner enemy is self grasping ignorance, along with the root delusions that come with “narcissism”.

February 12, 2020 Morning sickness, Mr. Epstein said that if you are trying too hard for being “less reactive or more relaxed” “this can subvert the meditative process”Mr. Epstein. So instead of impartiality I am practicing self observation without bare attention. “The breath based, temporally conceived self”Mr. Epstein when I was first practicing meditation, we do not dwell in fantasy, we face the facts of old age, sickness and death or the first noble truth. That is the “adventure”Robert Beatty, “self observation”Robert Beatty. Mindfulness and right view are on “equal footing” its not about “the silence of the sages” “not holding any views”Mr. Epstein. Without right view or right understanding and right thought, I would have gotten confused not knowing which direction to take over another. DnD said no “bare attention” right now, just self observation. Mindfulness is important when starting out, even the Kadampas did mindfulness during the book Joyful path of good fortune, imagining a golden substance poring through the crown of the head and descending to the heart, slowly.

February 9, 2020 The Teacher at PIMC was fantastic, she talked about old age, sickness and death and how it relates to the first noble truth. We can’t beat reality, reality will always win. We need a new relationship with this reality, one that doesn’t push away the unpleasant, and not pull the pleasant towards me. Which is the “classic definition of mindfulness”Mr. Epstein. Another way of putting “impartiality”Mr. Epstein is to “hang back just a bit”Mr. Epstein. Robert Beatty was away resting after his second surgery. Even though I don’t do much mindfulness anymore, but bare attention. It was the foundation of my practice and Mark Epstein explains it, so that it tapped my desire to put it into practice in thoughts without a thinker. Breath awareness or returning to the breath over and over again until it becomes second nature, or “breath based, temporally conceived self”Mr. Epstein. Its important to understand why breath awareness is emphasized in Mark Epstein and Robert Beatty’s practice, because Buddha knew what he was doing. By developing right view with right meditation, by “sharpening our focus” on the breath with concentration we develop “self observation”Robert Beatty, which is critical to Buddha’s teaching.

February 5, 2020 Feeling not well, “hanging back just a bit”Mr. Epstein from my heart. “Pain is not pathology”Mr. Epstein. Developing the “intention”Robert Beatty, to have an “adventure”Robert Beatty with “self observation”Robert Beatty, the “magic of awareness”Robert Beatty. Mindful of Buddhist Tantra as “quick method for abandoning attachment”Gesha Kelsang. Imagining the inner “body as myst”Japanese Buddhist. Still rely on imagination for practice. “Psycho dynamics of meditation”Mr. Epstein has changed instead of breath awareness I practice bare attention. “Inner work to change”. Buddhist Tantra imagination as offering to the Dragon Buddha or “spiritual practice as an offering”Robert Beatty. “We learn from sense perceptions that’s why I see emptiness of form”Japanese Buddhist. Dualistic appearance “if one thing is good then the other is bad”, with that the Japanese Buddhist blessed my mind, with a feeling I was struggling to find again in my earlier years. “Forgotten Realms”DnD of emotions not fully processed. “Diminishing reactivity” or “separating out the reactions from the core events themselves, to know them as different.”Mr. Epstein. The Kadampa’s gave me “inner enemy” but no opponent forces, but they did give me the Vajra as a structure for bare attention. So I was on the look in, for the inner enemy not equipped with opponents, but aware of negative karma. I’m agnostic about rebirth, even the Japanese Buddhist isn’t sure about it either. Robert Beatty with right intention we are just gone, just like consciousness can disappear. I was not “equipped”DnD with apponent forces but with “the magic of awareness”Robert Beatty. With the “intention”Robert Beatty, to “summon”DnD impartiality with the “spell”DnD of “hang back just a bit”Mr. Epstein. It’s just “fey”DnD “emptiness is it’s ultimate nature”Gesha Kelsang, it’s just an illusion, even the Dalai Lama said that the Buddha didn’t reincarnate, so it’s not that important. “The universe will just disappear when it gets too cold.” “It’s just Fey”Cable. “Buddhism doesn’t work that way”Nathen, Even Asian Buddhists learn from Western Buddhist. “Inner work to change.” I was however “equipped”DnD with bare attention and mindfulness or “awareness as a tool of healing”Mr. Epstein. “Fay myst of the inner body”Nathen, or the spell of myst form. I had some “encounters”DnD with “forgotten realms”DnD or “experience”DnD not fully processed, with some help I held the emotion.

February 2, 2020 Robert Beatty got out of surgery again, he managed to teach anyways. We recited the loving kindness sutra, which he said is the most translated Sutta in the entire canon. Often I have reactive thoughts, I payed attention to them like “stray dogs that have no owner”Mr. Epstein. Even the thoughts that are myself, are beginning to look like the “weather”Robert Beatty and Mr. Epstein. “The proper”distance”is one of beholding”Mr. Epstein. If something is good then something is bad, which sets up a “dualistic”Mr. Epstein appearance. Robert Beatty gave me “shape”Robert Beatty, I think both metaphorical and literal, so imagining Buddha shrines is ok with him. But like Traditional Theravada, not to get lost in imagination and fantasy, but my experience is if you “hang back just a bit”Mr. Epstein, imagination is not a problem. “The content is not as important as the consciousness that knows them”Mr. Epstein. But a Japanese Buddhist at temple said Great Meditation Masters, don’t rely on imagination anymore, even though he still does. I still imagine unproduced space for the body, to find the emptiness of the body. The Japanese Buddhist said that sense perceptions are easier to find Emptiness, where as the body is more difficult to see emptiness with. He also said to imagine the inner body as myst, when having a difficult emotion, like a fist through myst. The strange thing is he is learning from me, even though he is Asian. We talked about my meditation practice, and how I am practicing impartial awareness or “hang back just a bit”Mr. Epstein. He says the Japanese repress their emotions.

January 29, 2020 Been practicing bare attention last night with success, making the intention to practice impartial self observation today. Probably take notes and read about modeling also, but mainly bare attention. Tired this morning, but that can also be an object of meditation. The ”content is not as important as the consciousness that knows them.”Mr. Epstein. Watching the anxiety with curiosity, returning to the raw sensory event. “Huge terrifying monsters to delightful little schmooze.”Mr. Epstein. “Let the problem be a problem and examine your relationship to it.”Mr. Epstein. I getting a “sense”Mr. Epstein of bare attention. A “soft holding capacity in the emotional body.”Mr. Epstein. The capacity to “hold”Mr. Epstein experience, is a “emotional quality”Mr. Epstein. An “adventure”Robert Beatty within “self observation”Robert Beatty. The “forgotten realms”DnD of old emotions not fully processed or experienced. Not in the hell realm, but the human realm of bare attention as a “method”Mr. Epstein for understanding “who am I”Mr. Epstein by not “identifying”Robert Beatty “with the products of our own experience”Mr. Epstein.

January 26, 2020 Robert Beatty gave a talk on impermanence today which I mostly slept through. At the beginning during the meditation he did talk about no self, and how that it is a treasure of the Dharma, that the self is a process, and the self can’t be found with self awareness. Mark Epstein talks about “injured innocence” in thoughts without a thinker, in the Human Realm we have a “great challenge of the human realm” when we get our feelings hurt, shift the “aggression and attention” “to the self that we take to be so real at thoughs times.” from “or reference point” this self “is a hard nut of the self” it “breaks up under objective scrutiny”Mr. Epstein. “self it turns out is a metaphor for a process that knows, which we do not understand”Mr. Epstein. “It’s not that you are not real, you think you are really real.”Mr. Epstein. Been practicing bare attention today, and plan or make the intention to practice more.

January 23, 2020 What mindfulness and bare attention have in common is “Right View”Mr. Epstein. For example “suspend judgement and give impartial attention to the way the breath is”Mr. Epstein. In thoughts without a thinker Mr. Epstein explains mindfulness as “breath based, temporally conceived self”Mr. Epstein. So for me I practice mindfulness according to thoughts without a thinker for years. Bare attention on the other hand you let the “mind go where it wants to” or “choiceless awareness”Mr. Epstein. The main thing Mr. Epstein learned was bare attention. Right view, or “disidentify and open to all that we are”or”Right view”Mr. Epstein. In mindfulness practice I tried my best to do breath awareness, just like Mr. Epstein said, because at that time his description of bare attention was too difficult to put into practice. Another description of mindfulness is “the efforts in meditation is to get the self or ego out of the way and just let the breath breathe you.”Mr. Epstein. Which is a good model for viewing the emotions. “let the emotions breathe”Mr. Epstein. Like bare attention, the “breath based self” or mindfulness has “an emotional resonance”Mr. Epstein. Once I accomplished mindfulness meditation the Asians had me stop doing mindfulness accord to Mr. Epstein and in it’s place practice bare attention. Mindfulness or “the breath based self” is focused on an object for concentration, and the beginnings of bare attention are “choiceless”Mr. Epstein. “breath based, temporally conceived self” and expanding from the breath to “thoughts, feelings, sensations in the body and finally consciousness it’s self.”Mr. Epstein, but still grounded in the breath letting the “breath breathe you”Mr. Epstein.

January 23, 2020 Feeling ok this morning, plan on studying 3D modeling, and reviewing notes. On the Dharma side, practice “self observation”Robert Beatty, by its nature is impartial, “not to cling, not to condemn, not to judge”Mr. Epstein. Or “to dwell in stillness and watch for attachment”Mr. Epstein. I got some books on animation, and study that, along with modeling. Shape is the most important for making “Blob Buddhas”Gen La Jansem. I will never be a professional modeler, just try to make some things. Render in Adobe Dimension CC, model in Maya LT. Remember that Buddhist tantra is “a quick method for abandoning attachment”Geshe Kelsang. Which has something to do with the vajra and bell. Using imagination for 3D and Buddhist Tantra. Not much sleep last night, but can rest in bare attention “neutral resting place that comes from bare attention”Mr. Epstein. “All things are limited”Mr. Epstein.

January 19, 2020 Robert Beatty gave a talk on “vedena”Robert Beatty, is the pleasant and unpleasant “aspects”Robert Beatty of feeling tone. How to work with reactivity of these feelings that color all of our perceptions, “not to screen out the unpleasant and not to hold onto the pleasant but to take what ever is given”Mr. Epstein or impartiality. As Robert Beatty said it is a “quality”Mr. Epstein of awareness, that which is already “awake”Robert Beatty. Robert Beatty once again talked about his main Teacher Ruth Denisen said not to use the word observe because it was “Gurjeff”Ruth Denisen, but went on to using self “observation”Robert Beatty anyways. Mr. Epstein uses that word also as in “develops the observing awareness which bare attention cultivates”Mr. Epstein. So why say no but do it anyways? I don’t know, It’s like the purification of a house holder, desire is front and center, “addiction”Robert Beatty, so it might have something to do with “left handed path”Mr. Epstein of desire, or “mind the gap” that desire can never bridge.”We are not Monks”Robert Beatty.

January 15, 2020 Not feeling well this morning, checking for thought reactions. Plan on studying today. Remembering that Buddhist tantra is “a quick method for abandoning attachment” Geshe Kelsang. “Mind the gap”Mr. Epstein that desire can never bridge. Making offerings to Dragon Buddha. Self generating and all the images that are metaphors for bare attention. Imagining the body as space, or the “rainbow body”Geshe Kelsang. Still not feeling well. Learning about how to make shape in Maya LT today, and putting bare attention into practice. Also Maya LT has a new retopo and remesh tools for making good quads, for boolean objects as well as using booleans to modeling a face.

January 12, 2020 Gary Sanders taught today and gave a professional Buddhist meditation, which he blessed me with clear light and my consciousness disappeared. He gave a talk on sila, or moral discipline, and said that it’s not just Buddhist behavior, but a secular morality, of humanity. Continuing the teaching from last week given by Robert Beatty. Mr. Epstein doesn’t talk much about sila, but right view of bare attention and mindfulness. He does talk about the 8 fold path in his new book, Advice not Given. You can’t get into the Jhanas without “purification”Gary Sanders. Even regret can be worked with with bare attention, Mr. Epstein. The “problem like a pain that comes in the body is a very good vehicle for concentration”Mr. Epstein. So problems can help with concentration, which the Jhanas are a form of deep concentration, which this tradition came from. Mr. Epstein doesn’t talk about the Jhanas, instead he talks about the “strategy” of bare attention.

January 9, 2020 Worked on making a head in 3D, last night and had a moving experience with “diminishing reactivity”Mr. Epstein the day before. I‘be been imagining Buddhas for making in 3D, and did some bare attention also. “Self observation”Robert Beatty, or impartial self observation is bare attention. “Where ever the mind goes you pay attention to that.”Mr. Epstein. A holding environment”Mr. Epstein “that is to be said is healing”Mr. Epstein. “Awareness as a healing tool is what unites Buddhism and Psychotherapy, and make the differences between them pale.”Mr. Epstein. The Vajra or Bare attention is also important in the Vajrayana or Vajra vehicle. Been learning about modeling in 3D, then reviewing notes. Just a hobbyist not a pro, mainly thinking about shape, or form, imagining what the Buddha’s might look like. There are not happy accidents in 3D like other art forms.

January 5, 2020 Robert Beatty gave a talk on the 8 fold path, or sila, samadhi and panna. In particular right intention. Meditation takes intention and also sila of moral discipline. The intention of following the spiritual path is critical to it’s success or Enlightenment. He also talked about collective and family karma, and Jung’s “individuation”Robert Beatty, which means to know our real self Jung said that he wished he named it different, the name I don’t recall. He also talked briefly about the unconcious mind and how it drives our behavior. Also he was talking about clinging and addiction, that we all have some sort of addiction in our life. The “left handed path”Mr. Epstein of desire requires that we come into contact with the “gap” that desire can never reach and also the pleasure that it might give, or “mind the gap”Mr. Epstein. Robert Beatty also said at the time of death we “disappear”Robert Beatty into “emptiness”Mr. Epstein. Robert Beatty emphasized renunciation again or the “right handed path”Mr. Epstein, he also talked about “self observation”Robert Beatty as the practice of meditation. Most of the teaching was not for me, but I did hear most of it.

January 1, 2020 Been playing in Maya LT last night, with tweak mode, making a river stone, seeing what the polygons look like smoothed. Did some clear appearance and Draconic pride, from self generation, the delusions I am working with are ordinary conception and ordinary appearance. Turning imagination into a means to awakening. Jim Dalton helped me out with self generation which I have gratitude for. Right now I am giving offerings to the Dragon Buddha. Mindful of Buddhist tantra as “quick method for abandoning attachment”Gesha Kelsang. Using the bliss of imagination as a means to awakening. “Diminishing reactivity”Mr. Epstein is bare attention, and it also has “an emotional resonance”Mr. Epstein. The Asians had me stop doing mindfulness of breathing, in it’s place I practice bare attention. Just had an emotional problem “which is just as good of a meditation object as the breath, the sensations in the belly, the sounds of the birds.”Mr. Epstein. It’s gone now I am experiencing joy. Back to bare attention, or impartial self observation. Anxiety now, becoming curious about the feeling like “a child with a new toy”Mr. Epstein.

December 29, 2019 Robert Beatty talked about “magical thinking”, being healthy he wouldn’t have physical problems like his Mother. Also he talked about “separating out reactions from the core events themselves”Mr. Epstein, or “diminishing reactivity”Mr. Epstein. Also his teacher in Asia, had “no self”, Gen La Jangsam said hugging Gesha la was like hugging space. Like traditional Theravada Robert Beatty said no imagination, after that Jim Dalton said to imagine something. Kadampa’s think imagination is wisdom. How you get to Enlightenment is different for different people, for example Je Tsongkapa found his through sutra and tantra. The real purpose of Tantra is a “quick method for abandoning attachment”Gesha Kelsang. I was lucky enough to talk to Jim Dalton after the teaching, I got to talk about my practice, and the purpose is to find Enlightenment. He didn’t abandon imagination, and we talked about the different schools for finding Emptiness.

December 26, 2019 Developing Draconic Pride, and opponent to ordinary conception, or “path as fruition” or Buddhahood is obscured by delusion. Instead of returning awareness to a central object like the breath, I return to Draconic Pride, I still act like myself, giving offerings to the Dragon Buddha in the form of coffee and joyful Dharma practices. Robert Beatty is very adamant about not doing “fantasy”Robert Beatty, even if I can’t do this I can still do Buddhist Tantra. So I’m sticking with his words. I think Temple teachers have been blessing me with the clear light, I don’t have any other words for this experience. Or to “fill the emptiness”Jim Dalton. Bill said he believes in “interdependence”Bill by implications also “no soul”Bill or “emptiness”Bill. Robert Beatty is very clear about “fantasy”Robert Beatty, because he is always talking about mindfulness or “impermanence”, as the foundation of spiritual practice, not dwelling in the mind but becoming aware of mind it’s self.

December 22, 2019 Temple meditation I think filled me with clear light, Jim Dalton said “fill the emptiness”, he might be talking about psychological emptiness, because Buddhist emptiness or sunyata, means the “hollow of a pregnant womb”. Robert Beatty keeps coming back to “3 marks of existence” in particular “impermanence” or “things are changing all the time”Mr. Epstein which comes out of the practice of bare attention or “the breath based, temporally conceived self”Mr. Epstein. “union of the two truths”Gesha Kelsang of form and emptiness. If Robert Beatty can’t maintain mindfulness after his surgery, he returned to the refuge of the three jewels. I don’t know if Robert Beatty has enough faith in his ability to find sunyata, because of the need for blessings to find emptiness. Anyways he also talked about Buddha’s Nirvana not the “Seattle band”. Jim Dalton maybe working on that problem. Robert Beatty, gave the mic too the Sangha if they had something to say at the end of the lecture. Oneness is not a substitute for “interdependence”Mr. Epstein.

December 18, 2019 I have energy today, “choiceless awareness” and “scanning with a wide lense”Mr. Epstein. Giving my heart some “room”Mr. Epstein. Feeling tired, working with that. I was imagining 3D last night, which was useful. Imaging self generation, with my magical items. Remembering that the vajra or “consciousness”Robert Beatty is more important then content. I have some memories of “moving experience”Mr. Epstein about bare attention with gives me joy. My energy is back again. “Drawing my attention”Mr. Epstein inward. “Every thing is changing all the time”Mr. Epstein. Remembering “diminishing reactivity”Mr. Epstein. The characteristics of bare attention helps to “get a sense of it”Mr. Epstein. Not going to be taking notes today but putting bare attention into practice. Or “hang back just a bit”Mr. Epstein. Mr. Epstein’s language is so useful for this practice.

December 15, 2019 A wonderful teacher from Germany, one of Robert Beatty’s Dharma Brothers taught today. Robert Beatty is back and did the Refuge vow song. He taught about the 3 jewels, most of which I do not remember. At the end he let everyone to speak, and ask questions. He has been teaching mindful massage in Germany. He talked about the Buddha Jewel as the teachers of the community. Robert Beatty did refuge when on his meds. From a Buddhist tantric perspective our teachers have already attained enlightenment, projecting onto the teacher the good qualities we already have, which is different then psychoanalytic transference. Instead of projecting earlier relationships onto the teacher, we project our good qualities onto the teacher.

December 11, 2019Resting now, taking pleasure, got a lot of studying done last night. Remembering precious human life, to awaken compassion. Letting the rest come to me, not reaching for it. My attention is drawn to my heart, restful breathing. It might be the clear light, but am not sure. Listened to Mr. Epstein last night. “Hang back just a bit”, let the rest do me. Being impartial, with my heart, and not identifying with thoughts. Remembering my meditation goals for the new year and the analogy of the raft, and the effort it takes to cross the flood of samsara. The raft is meditation, no longer doing mindfulness, practicing bare attention, searching for meditative “happiness”. Plan on meditating today, or “scan with a wide lenses”Mr. Epstein. Getting more rest, “the quality of barely tolerable”Mr. Epstein said is conducive to spiritual and psychological growth the Buddha felt. I had some bad dreams last morning, the darker side of the unconscious, peaking through, something not processed. Anxiety this morning, it lifted in a few minutes. Psychoanalysis looks more at the neurotic emotions and is a good counter balance to more spiritual pursuits. Not ignoring the instincts or pushing away the “difficult to face”Mr. Epstein. Aspects of the self, that I would prefer to ignore. Been practicing bare attention, “things are changing all the time”Mr. Epstein. I am “incredibly grateful” for Mr. Epstein’s teaching, and the patience that Temple teachers have showed me. “The implications for a dynamic unconscious”Mr. Epstein for the delusions, and the difficulties in all the realms of samsara affirms that “emotions are trying to make us theirs”Mr. Epstein and “we feel them physically and inwardly”Mr. Epstein, “but through their very action can free our mind”Mr. Epstein. By changing my perspective on them.

The teacher at temple, gave a great teaching on New Years goals, or meditation goals for the next year and take stock on how we have improved in our Dharma practice. He talked about sense desires, and how they can get in the way of meditative happiness. Mr. Epstein says that it’s not desire that is the problem it’s clinging, or the “left handed path of desire”, which is aligned with Buddhist tantra, or turning everyday pleasures into the path to Enlightenment. He also talked about how the “unconscious” takes over and we become mindless. I think he makes a good point about sense pleasures. He used Buddha’s analogy about crossing the river by making a raft to cross the flood of samsara. I have improved right view from Mr. Epstein’s perspective, and I have had some moving experiences, and I have developed the beginnings of bare attention and am not practicing mindfulness anymore. “Buddha is not saying sense pleasures are bad, they have a slight clinging which makes them painful”Mr. Epstein. “Pleasure is in fact the way to Enlightenment”. Mr. Epstein. One of my Vajrayana goals is to turn difficult emotions into a means of awakening, continue to self generate and continue Bare attention and improve right view.

December 8, 2019 The teacher at temple, gave a great teaching on New Years goals, or meditation goals for the next year and take stock on how we have improved in our Dharma practice. He talked about sense desires, and how they can get in the way of meditative happiness. Mr. Epstein says that it’s not desire that is the problem it’s clinging, or the “left handed path of desire”, which is aligned with Buddhist tantra, or turning everyday pleasures into the path to Enlightenment. He also talked about how the “unconscious” takes over and we become mindless. I think he makes a good point about sense pleasures. He used Buddha’s analogy about crossing the river by making a raft to cross the flood of samsara. I have improved right view from Mr. Epstein’s perspective, and I have had some moving experiences, and I have developed the beginnings of bare attention and am not practicing mindfulness anymore. “Buddha is not saying sense pleasures are bad, they have a slight clinging which makes them painful”Mr. Epstein. “Pleasure is in fact the way to Enlightenment”. Mr. Epstein. One of my Vajrayana goals is to turn difficult emotions into a means of awakening, continue to self generate and continue Bare attention and improve right view.

December 4, 2019 I have been getting rest, and “not clinging to the pleasant and screening out the unpleasant”Mr. Epstein. Giving them room to breathe, I have energy this morning. Most of which is nonverbal, sometimes I self generate, but mostly it’s a process of self observation, finding the right view within my self. The reason I emphasize bare attention is it’s the main thing Mr. Epstein learned. Or the Vajra, I do bare attention now instead of mindfulness because I have advanced to that point. Epstein explains right view over and over again, which keeps the practice fresh, I never run out of meditation instruction. Epstein explains more than this but this is the main interest.

December 1, 2019 Jim Dalton taught today, most of which was not for me, he did however talk about the 3 marks of existence, he emphasized impermanence, about how everything is changing, and death is not far away. Bare attention, shows the impermanence on a moment to moment basis, shifting from “content to process”Mr. Epstein. Jim Dalton also talked about “lack of solidity”Jim Dalton in our experience, that the Buddha taught Anatta or “no self”Jim Dalton. He didn’t talk much more then that, but shows he is working on that problem. “Appearances are deceptive”Kadampa’s, and also when appearances feel spacious, or “magic of appearance”Robert Beatty. Without Jim Dalton I would not be able to practice “mindful movement”Jim Dalton or “Chi Gong”Jim Dalton at home, I have incredible gratitude for his teaching. The Kadampa’s are an Emptiness tradition, where I was blessed.

November 27, 2019 I practiced some last night, watching for reactions, and knowing them as different then the core events themselves. Plan on meditating this morning, by “scanning with a wide lens”Mr. Epstein. “Cultivating the observing awareness”Mr. Epstein. Watching “the old pond”Mr. Epstein. Also “what is happening too me and in me at the successive moments of awareness.”Mr. Epstein. “This kind of awareness is said to be healing.”Mr. Epstein. Also “the emotional realm is the window into the Buddha realm”Mr. Epstein. This kind of awakening Is also possible in psychotherapy, in DnD this would be considered the magical item, bag of holding.

November 24, 2019 Page taught today, most of which was not for me, but I did get some rest. She talked about chocolate and how she was “anal” about the Christmas Tree. From what I could gather she is very practical. Many people wanted her to teach again. She did read a “note” from Robert Beatty, which was encouraging. I liked listening to her, even if I couldn’t understand most of it. The wheel of life, where the emotions become the “means of awakening”Mr. Epstein, instead of “obstacle to our happiness”Mr. Epstein. Give all your emotions room to breathe, just like the breath we get the ego out of the way of breathing. Or in DnD terms “bag of holding”.

November 21, 2019 Feeling energy, noticing thought reactions, and returning to my core. Remembering tai chi, and I have gratitude for my teachers. My tai chi is “tight”, which is good. Looking out and keeping watch, on the outer world. Then return to my core and thoughts. “Emotions are the window into the Buddha Realm”Mr. Epstein, they become the “means to awakening”, rather then “obstacles to my happiness”Mr. Epstein. “Giving emotions room to breathe” or “hanging back just a bit”Mr. Epstein. “This kind of awakening” Mr. Epstein is possible in psychotherapy and meditation. Sometimes I get an image when I put this instruction into practice, but instead I just return to the emotions.

November 17, 2019 Doyle Banks taught today “metta” and about reactivity, which was more complicated that it appears. A wonderful guided meditation on metta. He also had a teacher named Wayne Dyer, which I found difficult to read. He came from Buddha about reactivity, which is more complex then Mark Epstein on this subject. “Hanging back just a bit”Mark Epstein from my emotions, while it is more simple. Doyle Banks asked us if we get angry, lots of people were hesitant, but it turned out to be a bigger problem then we thought. He gives excellent instruction on this problem, by answering questions.

November 13, 2019 New mode of being, high energy to the point of pain, not tired and restless. Finding the right posture of “hang back just a bit”Mr. Epstein. Thinking of Robert Beatty and the “magic”Robert Beatty of “appearance”Kadampas. Plan on getting some studying done today. My mind is bright and clear, heart filled with energy. The “magic of awareness” or bare attention of “hanging back just a bit”Mr. Epstein. I have two magical items to remind me of “holding environment”Mr. Epstein and “aggressive reorientation of awareness”Mr. Epstein towards the clinging or attachment, by seeing the clinging it is released. I also have a silk rope for mindfulness of breathing. “Appearances are deceptive”Geshe Kelsang.

November 10, 2019 Robert Beatty is having his surgery tomorrow, he looks at it as an “adventure”Robert Beatty, he felt so much love from the Hospital that he made many comments about it. The “disappearing of consciousness” during surgery, the whole thing as an “adventure”Robert Beatty. He also talked about old age, sickness and death and how “transient”Robert Beatty life is. Also how “magically”Robert Beatty, the people appear before the teaching and meditation. To my astonishment he said that the sangha doesn’t have to be perfect but “in psychoanalysis, good enough mother” or 30% of the time is sifficent for the Sangha’s purposes. He didn’t talk about finding other spiritual communities this time. He recited a poem, that he loves, which may have a reference to emptiness, but not sure. Then he said to schmooze after the teaching, which is in reference to Mark Epstein saying Ram Dass said “I have never gotten rid of a single problem but they changed from a Huge terrorifyng monster to delightful little schmooze, and now when one comes along he says, “o I remember you” but he his not held captive or a prisoner of them anymore.”

November 6, 2019 Watching thoughts last night, and my core. Being impartial towards my inner life, so I can develop the “observing awareness which bare attention cultivates”Mr. Epstein. Found the “intention”Robert Beatty to write, and so that is what I am doing. “Hang back just a bit”Mr. Epstein or “impartiality”Mr. Epstein, giving the pleasant and unpleasant feelings room to breathe. Impartial self observation is the first step in practicing Bare attention, but I do jump around like being “impersonal”Robert Beatty or “clouds coming into the sky, causing a storm and then leaving.”Mr. Epstein. “It’s also deeply interested, like a child with a new toy.”Mr. Epstein. “The detachment that Buddha is teaching does not mean disinterest, its to disidentify with that which is happening”Mr. Epstein

November 3, 2019 Robert Beatty, had us listen to some music, and talked about the 5 precepts, Mr. Epstein said “in no way am I saying to subtly distance from the worst in ourself.” “How destructive a given individual can really be.”Mr. Epstein. Robert Beatty said there is something like that in all religions. He also talked about the positive emotions that come from focusing on the positive instead of no killing, no stealing and so forth. During the meditation he talked about the breath, and how it is a good meditation object, but mostly I am doing bare attention now according to Mr. Epstein, instead of the breath I am focusing on the emotions. Also “diminishing reactivity”Mr. Epstein, for example feeling sad and the reactive thoughts that come with it.

October 30, 2019 Feeling good this morning, “diminishing reactivity”Mr. Epstein, remembering “right view”Mr. Epstein when putting it into practice, to know the core event is separate from the reaction. This practice is part of Bare Attention, to “know them as different, that’s bare attention”Mr. Epstein. It resonates with the emotional life, and feels magical. The Vajra is the main thing that Mr. Epstein learned. The Right View of the Vajra, or the beginnings of Bare attention has “impartiality” or “not to screen out the unpleasant and not to hold onto the pleasant.”Mr. Epstein which is done in the present moment, “the pure presences of the Buddhist Mantra.”Mr. Epstein. It’s important to review Right View, so the meditation instruction is at hand, for easy access. Memorizing Right view makes it easier to put into practice.

October 27, 2019 Robert Beatty had a stroke on his right side, as they were examining him they also found an anurism. Luckily it didn’t effect his speech center. He is gone into surgery and will be out for a month but said other teachers will be there. So he gave a talk on impermanence or old age, death and sickness. Robert Beatty also said to “open” to our experience, and it is also “impersonal”Robert Beatty. “Simultaneously disidentify and open to all that we are”Mr. Epstein. I’m finding attachment more frequently and learning “not to hold on”Mr. Epstein, or being “impartial”Mr. Epstein or “not to screen out the unpleasant and not hold on to the pleasant”Mr. Epstein. Putting some right effort or “intention”Robert Beatty into bare attention with the meditation instruction of “right view”Mr. Epstein or “right understanding and right thought”Mr. Epstein. “The first essential quality of bare attention is its impartiality”Mr. Epstein.

October 24, 2019 Feeling pretty good right now, vajra first always, when I need an offering I self generate with magical items. “Striking on Emptiness”Mr. Epstein with the feelings of “nothingness”Mr. Epstein. Found some attachment this morning and last evening. Watching that with the “observing awareness which bare attention cultivates”Mr. Epstein. “Feeding muscle memory”William for 3D topology and reviewing in my imagination. The entire path of Buddhist Tantra has a feel for magic. Feeling bliss in my heart, “hanging back just a bit”Mr. Epstein. Planning to work on topology today. The problem is attachment it’s not a “thing”. Bringing attachment into awareness frees the mind from clinging Mr. Epstein. I know what attachment feels like so I can identify it when it happens.

October 20, 2019 We had a new teacher in today, she teaches to teenagers and adults, also 7 years of monastic Zen training. She wanted us in meditation to “turn the light within” by becoming aware of “consciousness its’ self”Mr. Epstein or “awareness of awareness it’s self”. Not “trying to be aware of the breath or other objects”. She comes from a nondualistic perspective I think of “Yogicara”Jim Dalton. She talked about storms of emotional weather, and how our awareness is like the sky, vast and open. She talked about the “thing” that keeps us from Enlightenment. She said “negate” a few times, so I think she is open to Prasangika view on Emptiness. The dualistic feeling when we say “I” to describe meditation experience when she guided us. She also said “pronoun” and when she had discussion during the talk she shifted the questioner to focus on the “who or what” like who is the “I” that described the experience. Are objects within awareness or are they outside it? I think of mind only as described by the Prasangika’s. She questioned the self many times to turn around the questioners to look at the “I” instead of describing the experience with other questions.

October 18, 2019 Not tired today, I learned how to watch my mind and heart at the same time, with a subtle shift in awareness. “Hang back just a bit”Mr. Epstein, let the sounds come to me instead of reaching out for them. By hanging back I give space for attachment or clinging, which I am familiar with now. It’s as the Kadampas say “licking honey off of a razors blade”. It’s sick, It happens when I reach out for sounds or other sense doors, giving it space to breathe. I am slightly shifting my awareness to expand from the heart to include the mind. So I may “diminish reactivity”Mr. Epstein. Also I can do a body scan that Mr. Epstein did during a guided meditation, he said also that we are always labeling our experience so their is no reason to do that practice.

October 13, 2019 Jim Dalton taught today, “let your arms be loose like a scarf”Jim Dalton, “mindful movement”or some form of chi gong, he talked a lot about poetry, and his struggles with trying to answer questions, his life story unfolded as we listened. He also talked about an “emptiness”Jim Dalton that he was filling with poetry, he also talked about “empty spots”Jim Dalton in the body. I think Jim Dalton was also struggling with the Hungry Ghost realm, in his youth. Mr. Epstein said it an epidemic among western meditators, even the Buddha must have been struggling with self hatred, because of his extreme practices, fasting, not sleeping etc. before his Enlightenment, Mr. Epstein writes. The low self esteem or unworthiness, is common in the West because of early childhood trauma of not being held enough. “Anger or in extreme cases hatred of the parental environment.”Mr. Epstein.

October 9, 2019 Not tired, I listened to a new Mr. Epstein yesterday, and he talked about “hang back just a bit”Mr. Epstein, let the sounds come to you, it takes a certain kind of effort to stay in the present, he said even the present doesn’t exist because it slips away so fast. He talked about the four foundations of mindfulness and from that sutra. He said we are always noting our experience, the point is to stay with the object after the note, he also had us meditate on the breath, then the whole body with the sounds. He said that some meditation instruction from the teacher is not right for you sometimes, we have to make that judgement for ourself. We don’t know what is going to happen next, so we stay open to whatever happens.

October 6, 2019 Ruth Denisen was Robert Beatty’s main teacher, without her Dana and Wisdom then we would not have a center. She passed away four years ago. Robert Beatty talked about emotions during the talk and how a writer that he read said Freud had it wrong it was not about anxiety but shame of the shadow side of the Hungry Ghost realm. Freud focused on the Hell realm and Animal realm, according to Mr. Epstein. Robert Beatty is grateful for the “privilege” to teach, he is going out to teach for a few weeks. He guided the meditation, with mindfulness, and said that both concentration and mindfulness are critical for Vipassana or insight meditation. Mr. Epstein said “the problem is a very good vehicle for concentration.” A TM meditator had deep concentration but was “repressing or pushing away”Robert Beatty his problems, and not dealing with his shadow. Robert Beatty also said he should of gone home to start working on his problems, like his bad job and home life.

October 2, 2019 Staying in my heart, not much restlessness, relaxing in my heart. Developing self observation by letting it do it’s own thing, “simply being”Mr. Epstein with the heart. Learning about graphic design, just the basics. Learning to be with myself, without distorting what is happening. “working through”Freud and Mr. Epstein, the base feeling by “simply being”Mr. Epstein with the “affect”Mr. Epstein. “The magic of awareness”Robert Beatty, and not dwelling in “fantasy”Robert Beatty. “The simple act of awareness reveals that which needs to be healed.”Mr. Epstein. Mindfulness, I practiced for a long time with the breath, now has turned towards the heart. The practice is very simple, even if “right view”is on “equal footing”Mr. Epstein with “right meditation”Mr. Epstein.

September 29, 2019 I heard the entire lecture from Robert Beatty, so I am having a hard time remembering the details. Ovee, asked a question to Robert Beatty how psychologist were throwing their hands up when dealing with certain diagnosis, Robert Beatty said there are some people who have no empathy, it just doesn’t light up in their brain. “how destructive a given individual can be”Mr. Epstein. Also Robert Beatty talked about renunciation and how that disrupts our Amazon habit. How the eight fold path is a path for life, then meditate to see if it is true or not. Robert Beatty also talked about his teacher and the effect she had on his life, and how she was doing movement before it was ok todo in Dharma centers. They are celebrating her life in other Dharma centers today also.

September 25, 2019 Not tired today, doing some self observation, “simply be with” the feelings or the 2 foundation of mindfulness. Trying to see emptiness through self observation, or use the bliss of clinging to meditate on emptiness. Vajra first then imagination, remembering that “ideas” are not bare attention, they point to the practice. “The pure presence of the Buddhist Mantra.”Mr. Epstein. The self that “I take to be so real” during “emotional”Mr. Epstein experience lacks inherent existence. “Suspend judgement and give impartial attention to just the way the”Mr. Epstein heart is. “The magic of awareness”Robert Beatty. This is mindfulness of feelings or “affect”Mr. Epstein, or as Robert Beatty says “psychotherapy realm”. Mr. Epstein integrates Buddhism and Psychotherapy, he use to not separate the two, but shows how an effective integration can be. The “spiritual realm” and “psychotherapy realm”Robert Beatty can work in your own life, “for all the healing we all so desire for ourselves”Mr. Epstein

September 22, 2019 I was not tired at Temple today so I heard the entire teaching, he said no soul is the literal translation of emptiness. Robert Beatty said it is heady stuff, so he didn’t go into detail, but he is working on the “Trinity”Robert Beatty of Buddhism or the 3 marks of existence. Also the 4 foundations of mindfulness, explained by Joseph Goldstein book mindfulness is worth reading and his teaching in dharma seed are worth listening to. The “psychotherapy realm”Robert Beatty said is the domain of the 3 foundation of mindfulness of feelings. The “emotional realm is the window to the Buddha realm”Mr. Epstein or emotions become the “means of awakening”Mr. Epstein. Robert Beatty also talked about how Philosophers only use the organ of thought and don’t have any practice, once again “ideas”Robert Beatty are the problem. The “magic of awareness”Robert Beatty is the key “to awakening”Robert Beatty. It’s the returning of “consciousness” Robert Beatty to the breath or sensations in the body is the “means to awakening”Mr. Epstein. Robert Beatty was sensitive to my younger years knowing that I would enjoy “magic of awareness”Robert Beatty.

September 18, 2019 Not tired this morning, calm heart, or “follow the affect”Mr. Epstein instead of following the breath. My mind is clear and am “coming to my senses”Mr. Epstein or the “magic of awareness”Robert Beatty. Hoping that I won’t go to pieces today. Bare attention has an “emotional resonance”Mr. Epstein, just like the breath, this also includes “diminishing reactivity”Mr. Epstein. Watching “the old pond”Mr. Epstein. Imagination also feels “magical” but different then awareness. Vajra first then imagination, also “the magical display to consciousness” or Emptiness. So the entire path of Buddhist Tantra has a feel for magic. Mr. Epstein doesn’t talk about noting what you feel, even in “diminishing reactivity”Mr. Epstein. He just doesn’t talk about it, but he does want you to know which realm you are in. I’m in the Human realm now. Self observation again, resting in my heart and scanning “from the corner of the mind”Mr. Epstein. Mr. Epstein put right meditation on “equal footing”Mr. Epstein with right view, or right understanding and right thought. To “simply be”Mr. Epstein with the heart, without “distorting” the feelings, “just the way it is”Mr. Epstein. This is what is meant by spiritual practice.

September 15, 2019 I’ve been searching for the feeling of self in my mind and am feeling a sense of separateness. When I am having an emotional experience like joy. I found some identifications in my heart with the joy and have been “following the affect”Mr. Epstein. Still cultivating “the observing awareness which bare attention cultivates”Mr. Epstein, or the “magic of awareness”Robert Beatty. A female teacher today talked about the 8 fold path and did a guided meditation about being “nonjudgemental” when doing mindfulness, also “anchored to the breath” to come to our senses. I mostly was not tired today, so I could pay attention to the pains of Dharma teaching and sit still through most of it. I also listened to Mr. Epstein talking about the Wheel of life and selflessness of persons he talked about in the end. “Float freely in the emptiness that Buddhist meditation reveals”Mr. Epstein. Doing self observation, in my free time, or during the meditation break.

September 12, 2019 Tired once again, watching my mind, not turning away from it. “Magic of awareness” Robert Beatty, is the main thing that Mr. Epstein learned or bare attention. Emptiness or “magical display to consciousness”Robert Beatty, or “selflessness”Mr. Epstein or “it never did exist”Robert Beatty. Mr. Epstein writes “destroy a belief in an inherently exist self” Feeling better, Buddhism “is not resolutely anti ego.”Mr. Epstein, it’s always looking were the attachment is. Psychotherapy without a self in this book he talks about selflessness that is short and to the point, about altering the self images that we take to be so real, Mr. Epstein. Selflessness or emptiness can be seen within ones own mind and develops a relaxation of the “false self”Mr. Epstein.

September 8, 2019 Robert Beatty talked about Selflessness today, and how “it never did exist”Robert Beatty. Also about in Vipssina about the terror of relentless impermanence that dawns, all you see is the passing away of phenomena. Mr. Epstein also talks about it in thoughts without a thinker. When a question came up in the discussion. It’s part of emptiness that I have been talking about, Robert Beatty talked about how I finally have a stable self so why would I want to get rid of it. So I’m happy he is talking about not self, in the 3 marks of existence. He also talked about because you are nothing you are everything.

September 4, 2019 Tired now, being with the feeling, without “screening”Mr. Epstein it out. “It” is the only word I have for it now. Bare attention, or the first quality of “impartiality”Mr. Epstein cultivates the “observing awareness”Mr. Epstein. Affect or the emotions “Are as autonomous as the weather”Robert Beatty. “Ultimately emotions are transparent”Robert Beatty. “The magic of awareness”Robert Beatty. These instructions are helpful for me, for putting into practice Bare attention. That is what teachers are for, just as their teachers before them. Still searching for emptiness in self observation, and “subtle conventional truths”Gesha Kelsang. When I don’t have a problem, I will practice 5 complete purities today. Bliss in my heart, and clear minded. Draconic pride as such, is the opponent to attachment or the 3 root delusions of the wheel of life. Gold Dragon Buddhas have “the platform of joy” that comes from Bare attention,Mr. Epstein.

September 1, 2019 Last week Robert Beatty praised “imagination” when it’s “linked”Mr. Epstein to Buddha’s teaching. This week however he blamed “imagination fantasy” and “ideas” as the problem in Practice and how it can get in the way of the Dharma. How it can get in the way of direct sense perceptions of the body and mind. If you wander in “ideas” and “imagination fantasy”Robert Beatty, all the time then you will never find Emptiness, because it also is a direct sense perception, or “Superior Seeing”Gesha Kelsang that requires years of “breath based, temporally conceived self”Mr. Epstein of breath awareness as a prerequisite of Emptiness. The problem with Emptiness is you need to study it for a long time, after some time with the Kadampa’s a Monk with Great knowledge of emptiness told me to go back to collage, knowing I new enough to find emptiness. The whole problem of ideas, imagination and fantasy is it can lead to wrong views about the nature of reality, because of not being in the body with direct experience, which is “the pure presences of the Buddhist mantra”Mr. Epstein. Robert Beatty liked “affect” and said it was “emotions”Robert Beatty.

August 28, 2019 Not as tired today, staying Tao as much as possible right now, not putting effort into making myself feel better, or resting. Or “a neutral resting place that comes from bare attention”Mr. Epstein, “pure presence of the Buddhist mantra”Mr. Epstein. “Magical display to consciousness”Robert Beatty, or seeing emptiness is important for Vajrayana, along with self generation and clear appearance. My eyes are not like regular meditator eyes anymore, or emptiness eyes, “I”. I’m in regular mode of being right now, not in my blissful heart mode, more in my mind, which makes seeing “diminishing reactivity”Mr. Epstein more difficult, because of how I’m more absorbed in my mind more easily. My heart/mind is becoming more tired, having thought reactions too the feeling, a screening out of “unpleasant” reaction, watching for the “process of identification” Mr. Epstein. The “magic of awareness”Robert Beatty.

August 25, 2019 Robert Beatty said a lot of Freudian terms and mentioned a new realm, I was tired so I don’t remember much but he was reinforcing Mr. Epstein a lot. I think he also mentioned an emptiness term but not sure. It was difficult to remember, but felt relieved that used them. I got some rest at temple today, and felt good by the end. Been working on the “observing awareness”Mr. Epstein, through bare attention, “Buddha didn’t reject pleasure only the attachment to it”Mr. Epstein and to “take whatever is given” “not holding onto the pleasant”Mr. Epstein. When I get into a situation with pleasant and unpleasant feelings I resort to impartiality and “diminishing reactivity”Mr. Epstein. Bare attention is useful for cultivating “pure awareness”Mr. Epstein of the “buddhist Mantra”Mr. Epstein. Anyways this is what has been useful for me right now.

August 21, 2019 My arm is sore, but feeling good. Watching my heart, and looking for my “process of identification”Mr. Epstein by “following the affect”Mr. Epstein. Being “impartial, nonjudgmental”Mr Epstein too these feelings, or “not to screen out the unpleasant”Mr. Epstein but “to take whatever is given”, bare attention is also “choice-less”Mr. Epstein. “Pure awareness”Mr. Epstein, when I am experiencing this I am practicing “being awake”Robert Beatty. “Difficult emotions are my Enlightenment”Mr. Epstein. Mr. Epstein didn’t talk about body scans, he is more concerned about the emotional life, “the entire range of emotions”Mr. Epstein. The breath “has an emotional resonance”Mr. Epstein. Which Marian Milner talked about when she focused on the breath, “became exceeding paintable” when she opened her eyes, “what’s interesting about her is she didn’t stop with the painting” she used it when she became a Psychotherapist, with her patients.

August 18, 2019 Robert Beatty talked a lot about “love and compassion”Robert Beatty, he didn’t explain what it was, but did reinforce it many times. Mr. Epstein, had his own “love trying to awaken” with Ram Dass during a therapy session, Mr. Epstein was afraid “of his inability to love”Mr. Epstein as a young man. Mr. Epstein was afflicted with psychological emptiness, at Naropa during the summer of it’s coming together, he learned in meditation there with his Buddhist Teachers, that he could simply be with the feeling of absence, not “condemn” or push away, “it didn’t have to change but it might start to change” which “gave him the freedom to go on in his life” become a Doctor, a parent “and now he is so many things, he has to come back to meditation to remind him he is not really any of them”(Mostly Mr. Epstein). Mr. Epstein talks about how bare attention is a form of love, he has also said awareness is love. The “pure awareness”Mr. Epstein, of the “Buddhist mantra”Mr. Epstein. Robert Beatty once again talked about the 3 marks of existence, he mostly talks about impermanence, and suffering, and only talks briefly about “no soul or no self”, he doesn’t use the Mahayana Emptiness, but he understands that the “emotions are as autonomous as the weather”Robert Beatty and that “the thoughts and feelings are ultimately transparent”Robert Beatty.

August 14, 2019 Meditated last night, watching my heart, “rich”Mr. Epstein with emotional life, and searching for the self, in my mind. I found feelings that felt like the self, and became curious about them. I’m mostly staying with the emotions now instead of “reaching down into”Mr. Epstein the belly. I watched some reactivity, trying to know the reactions as different then the “core event”Mr. Epstein. Which is “deceptively simple injunction”Mr. Epstein. Thinking they are “as autonomous as the weather”Robert Beatty. Owning the fear in the Hell Realm, and exploring my reactions. The problem in the wheel of life is the 3 root delusions or attachment, in the form of greed, hatred and ignorance. Or the process of desire and how successful I am with satisfying them. Which gives rise to the 6 realms. Been searching for the emptiness in the self or “I” during joy or other emotions, I also think you can find the feeling of self with “objective scrutiny”Mr. Epstein and find emptiness or “selflessness of persons”Gesha Kelsang. I also find “identifications”Mr. Epstein by “following the affect”Mr. Epstein. The “emotions are as autonomous as the weather”Robert Beatty. Not “jumping to conclusions”Mr. Epstein, about the self but “just watch them”Mr. Epstein.

August 11, 2019 Robert Beatty said that the “purification” of the delusions doesn’t happen even after a long time, but the Kadampa’s say that a Buddha has completely purified the mind. Mr. Epstein on the other hand is more in accordance with Robert Beatty, even though the root delusions are my main problem. Mr Epstein said that even the Buddha after his Enlightenment still had ego. The root delusions give rise to the 6 realms, it’s the perceivers understanding has changed, for example the Dalai Lama had regret, “the regret is still there, the wheel is still there”Mr. Epstein only “the perceivers understanding has changed”. The root delusions of Buddhist Tantra are my main problem, when practicing Generation stage, they are controlled with Draconic pride and clear appearance, the apponents to ordinary conception and ordinary appearance. Also Robert Beatty talked about the “spiritual realm”Robert Beatty, from the perspective of the wheel of life is the Human realm, but I think he means a broader context. He also talked about the “political realm” which is Myered in “fantasy”Robert Beatty.

August 7, 2019 I’ve been doing my mala, to get Buddhist Tantra in here. I got 7 sets in for an hour. Working with pain this morning, by simply being with the pain. It’s mostly cleared up now. It may come back later I don’t know. I think Dragon Buddha Mao is a good Yidam for me. He has a talking long sword, that is a magical item, and his frogs on the tai chi uniform are Vajras. The “mala”Robert Beatty is a useful practice for Generating as Dragon Buddha Mao, the purpose of which is to control delusion, not acting out of This Way of the Open Hand Monk. For clear Appearance I still imagine unproduced space for objects and imagine Mr. Epstein blessing me with light rays blessing my heart and so forth. The “Mala” is useful for Draconic or Dragon pride in being a Buddha, which is more important in the beginning than clear appearance, because ordinary conception the first root delusion of Buddhist tantra, is more damaging then ordinary appearance. I’m in the Human realm right now, for developing “creative achievement” Mr. Epstein. This is also the domain for “bare attention”Mr. Epstein. In this realm “we really don’t know who we are”Mr. Epstein. I am starting to like “mala” practice Robert Beatty because it is linked to breathing, and for me generation stage Tantra. “The emotions are ultimately transparent”Robert Beatty, I think seeing their “impermanence”Robert Beatty helps to see their “emptiness”Mr. Epstein. Temple is getting a feeling for Emptiness because Jim Dalton surprised me with a wrathful “negate”Jim Dalton, and Robert Beatty said emotions “and are ultimately transparent”. Or “As Autonomous as the weather”. Temple has been helping me with how to work with pain. Back when I was practicing “breath based, temporally conceived self”Mr. Epstein I would get a sense of “impermanence”Robert Beatty, of the breath expanded to whatever surfaced in the mind and body. The Asians had me drop that practice so I could find Emptiness, with Sifu Trans Taoist Tai Chi, I got a sense of unproduced space of the floor with the tai chi move “needle at sea’s bottom”.

August 4, 2019 Robert Beatty said that the consciousness that sees through our eyes is what gets realized. He also talked about a new practice that I think is very useful, where you use a mala and on the in breath he said you can say a short phrase like “I am Buddha Dragon Mao” and on the out breath I say “who has found his enlightenment”, and for myself I can self generate at the sametime, going over one bead on the mala. Also “Pain is ultimately not personal”Robert Beatty and “expand the field of awareness from the breath to the entire body”Robert Beatty, after that “the emotions are as autonomous as the weather”Robert Beatty. I love this new stuff, because he used the word autonomous, I think they are still working on Emptiness, also I am definitely doing the mala practice, and of course “pain is ultimately not personal”Robert Beatty. I’m so happy he is owning these words and the mala practice. I only get the stuff that is relevant for me, I don’t know what he gives to other people, It doesn’t matter because I got what I needed.

August 1, 2019 Last night I did some self generation in meditation, with myself as Buddha Dragon Mao, who has found his Enlightenment, over and over again generating and saying to myself “I am Buddha Dragon Mao” like a mantra. It worked, because I have a memory from last night. I tried to meditate on the emptiness of mind and body, by imagining my body as semi transparent, Twee Nang “could simply see himself as lack of solidity”Mr. Epstein (I’m not remembering it right but it is close enough) or “magical display to consciousness”Robert Beatty, also at temple they said “Negate”, which was a surprise, this told me they are working on emptiness. Magical self observation, which has the power to “magically transform” Ovee, difficult emotions. Without Temple’s help I would have never thought of this on my own. Temple teachers know magic is a safe word for Dharma teachings. Fantasy however is contaminated, but imagination is not. For some reason I also think I am a Dharma Protector at temple, more then just Tai Chi. “The magic of awareness” or bare attention has transformative powers, beyond everyday awareness. Temple teachers are owning more words through my Blog, which is good because, Robert Beatty could only use “consciousness” and not self awareness, like I can because Mr. Epstein uses them frequently. Robert Beatty is getting a sense of Emptiness of thoughts and emotions, or should I say Temple Teachers are working on that difficult problem. I gathers the blessings and language for them to figure it out on their own, they need team work just like me, because Emptiness is the most difficult teaching in all of Buddhism. I explained my process of finding Emptiness in this blog, not just for myself but for other people also. It took a long time to find Emptiness, and was introduced to this teaching on my first day with Gen Jangsam, and continued to this day, thoughts without a thinker talks a lot about magical self observation, that are “also ultimately transparent” Robert Beatty. This phrase gave me hope that people who didn’t study Emptiness for a long time can find theirs with my keys. Mr Epstein’s book psychotherapy without a self explicitly explained Emptiness with no nonsense approach. “Simply see it’s lack of solidity”Mr. Epstein. In traditional Asia, they give the damaged Dharma Protectors to the Taoist Tai Chi to give them the blessing to see emptiness, at least that’s how it worked in my case. Stuff doesn’t exist the way that it appears. I was tired, then I knew that so I “let go of the efforts to make it happen”(happiness)Mr. Epstein. I learned how to “find a neutral resting place that comes from bare attention”Mr. Epstein.

July 28, 2019 Gary Sanders is big on Metta or loving kindness meditation, the meditation was challenging to say the least, he explained that it’s possible to expand Metta to even difficult feeling we were experiencing in the meditation hall, not to “repress” Gary Sanders the emotions, to simply be with them with “loving”Gary Sanders “awareness”Gary Sanders. He was much more into practice, then reading books, so maybe more of a Yogi then me, Mr. Epstein always put Right View(right thought and right understanding) on equal footing with Right Meditation. I don’t much read Mr. Epstein anymore but I do listen to him. “Magically transform”(I don’t know how to spell his name I think it’s Ovee). These are exciting words for me because it holds out “the magic of awareness”Jim Dalton. These days I’m teaching more Tai Chi, and keeping a regular meditation practice.

July 25, 2019 Feeling Tao right now, not tired, and am still enamorerd with “ultimately transparent” Robert Beatty with the thoughts and emotions, or “float freely in the emptiness that Buddhist meditation reveals”Mr. Epstein. Which is “magical display to conciousness”Robert Beatty. Unproduced space was a transitional notion too Emptiness. Gold Dragon based, illusion like conceived self, is the next transitional spiritual practice. To find my enlightenment, Dragon Buddhas are always Dharma Protectors like Mao in D&D. Wrathful Dragons, that know Tai Chi. It takes time to learn this Martial art, it’s an inner art that is a slow practice or meditative in nature, I pay attention to the movements, not practicing Bare attention, but not “jumping to conclusions”Mr. Epstein, Just staying aware of the body during Tai Chi. Like juggling that Mr. Epstein discovered at Naropa institute. They also practice Tai Chi there. It’s not even a body scan, I relax into the body, an d through body memory, let the move happen on it’s own. On the perifery, I am aware of the arms and legs, in cloud hands I look at the cloud hand as the main object, but am also aware of stillness in the movement, because the movements are body memory I don’t have to think and look at a teacher anymore except to get more subtle movements down that I don’t have. Mindful movement, or “conscious movement”Jim Dalton.

July 21, 2019 Inner phenomena “and are ultimately transparent”Robert Beatty. Robert Beatty knows that the objects of self observation are empty of inherent existence, I can see outer emptiness, but “transparent” Robert Beatty is an excellent metaphor for emotions and thoughts. Mr. Epstein has an essay in thoughts without a thinker called “transparent mind” about the process of Buddhist thought about emptiness through the ages, “concepts such as universal mind, absolute reality, true self, cosmic consciousness or underlying void all have surfaced in various Buddhist schools of thought, only to be relinquished once the subtle tendencies of attachment were recognized.” Robert Beatty also talked about the 5 recollections, “impermanence, death, karma” the other 2 I forget, I felt this teaching was very relevant and also said that the “Buddha’s psychology”Robert Beatty and meditation is “transpersonal”Robert Beatty. He was fresh off of retreat.

July 18, 2019 I have some anxiety, defending myself in my head and returning to my breath. Thinking about the precious human life and how it relates to the wheel of life. The anxiety is still there, Trying to “learn to open” to it. Still working with “single minded, nonjudgmental attention to whatever is happening in the mind and body.”Mr. Epstein. “The magic of awareness”Jim Dalton. My thoughts are fused with the anxiety. Watching my mind and heart at the same time. I practiced some Buddhist Tantra last night by self generating and saying to myself “I am Dragon Buddha Mao.” Over and over again for 15 minutes. It’s like Metta practice except its Buddhist Tantra. Then did some bare attention.

July 14, 2019 Jim Dalton found a book by Pema Chodren that talked about the precious human life, and the urgency of impermanence to lift him out of his depression and got him back on the path. He also talked about “6 realms” and how precious it is to have a human birth because we can practice the spiritual path. Later saying he was also “repressed”Jim Dalton, at that time so it’s more complicated than it appears. Mr. Epstein writes “single minded nonjudgmental attention too whatever is happening in the mind and body” I was searching for exactly this phrase, to put into practice today. I can do this when I have time to myself, “single minded”Mr. Epstein, seems to be the challenging part. Jim Daltons talk was useful for me, and linking “precious human life”Jim Dalton with “6 realms” reminded me of Mr. Epstein’s teaching and the Kadampa’s also.

July 11, 2019 Tired this morning, taking that as a meditation object, not “pushing it away”Mr. Epstein, “letting go of the efforts to make it go away”Mr. Epstein. Even painful feelings can be a means to awakening. Mr Epstein. “Magic of awareness”Jim Dalton this practice is very interesting, I had the relaxation response yesterday during meditation. Even the restlessness and the longing to move became objects of meditation. “Magic”Doyle Banks, Jim Dalton and Robert Beatty, like that word which is a relief, because Buddhist Tantra is also magical, with it’s use of imagination. Doyle Banks, mostly does analytic meditation so I don’t have to abandon that practice. Joyful path of good fortune and its 21 meditations is all analytic and placement meditations, no mindfulness. The closest to mindfulness is imaging a golden nectar that is blessed, through the crown of the head and descends to the heart, “blessing and purifying”. Which is used through out Lamrim. That is also practice for Guru Yoga. So I am “polishing what I got”Jim Dalton

July 7, 2019 Doyle Banks reinforced “Magic” from Jim Dalton and Robert Beatty, he had us do mindfulness for meditation then during the talk he did a thinking meditation on loving kindness, which is also Buddhist. Doyle Banks also teaches NVC or nonviolent communication. Also he talked about dependent origination, which I didn’t understand, but must be valuable teaching because Robert Beatty also talks about it, the key he gave me is in the center of the wheel of dependent origination is the 3 root delusions, this wheel also has the six realms or called the wheel of life. Doyle Banks, has done a lot of analytic meditation on meditation instuction, like “may I be at peace” or “may my ex Wife be at peace” over and over again for hours, and well it works. His speaking is simple enough for many people to get a good grasp on these practices, most of which was not for me.

July 4, 2019 Feeling good this morning, and did some Guru Yoga during meditation, “imagination as a tool of awareness”Jim Dalton. “Blind faith”Robert Beatty, could most defiantly be a problem, it wasn’t last night. Alternate between mindfulness and bare attention Mr. Epstein. “Contentment”Robert Beatty, comes from “observing awareness”Mr. Epstein or the practice of it. Also did some self generation during meditation, the purpose of which is to control delusions. Still “polishing”Jim Dalton Emptiness, trying to see attachments Emptiness, and observing reactions too memories, “letting the “ memories “breathe”Mr. Epstein. Where ever my attention is drawn too, I pay attention to that, for example I was paying attention to my breath, then my attention was drawn to my brain for no particular reason, or to my heart where a problem resided. Not passing judgement to those sensations or feeling. if you know what you are doing in mediation then “Awareness is Magical”Jim Dalton. Bare attention cultivates “the observing awareness”Mr. Epstein. Bliss and Emptiness are magical, they give “contentment”Robert Beatty to their practitioners , that is not found in secular life, Buddhist meditation, “frees the awareness from being linked to the problem”Mr. Epstein. “Magical display to consciousness”Robert Beatty, or “consciousness”Robert Beatty seeing Emptiness is certainly “magical”Robert Beatty, and putting awareness into practice is also certainly”magical”Jim Dalton. With “imagination as a tool of awareness”Jim Dalton, I can give myself offerings to the Dragon Buddha. D&D roles with both imagination and magic, D&D players need both bare attention and emptiness too put Gary Gygax prophecy into reality. In 5th edition they have monks, which was carried from 1st edition D&D, D&D needed Buddhist Tantra as a form that fits closely to Roleplaying Games and D&D in particular.

June 30, 2019 Once again Guru Yoga came up for me, this time Robert Beatty said “blind faith”, and this is something to avoid. I am confident that my teachers follow moral disipline, “blind”Robert Beatty, or deluded, which would be a mistake on my own part. I still think it would be good for me to have faith that they have found their enlightenment, which would help me find mine. Robert Beatty also talked about “projection in love relationships” but also talked about I think negative projections. Jim Dalton’s advice “project my good qualities onto the teacher” which I like quite a bit. Working with the emotional life Robert Beatty said “suppress” or not to suppress the emotional life, later Robert Beatty said something like “a reaction to the pain is longing for it to go away” I found very helpful, because I can “separate our the reaction from the core events themselves”Mr. Epstein. Or knowing the pain is different from the longing. Robert Beatty also said that we can find “contentment” or “uncommon happiness”Mr. Epstein in spiritual practice. The Kadampas also talked about “contentment”Robert Beatty. In the Psychoanalytic traditions they call it “revery”. And finally Jim Dalton said “Magic of awareness” at first I was apprehensive, later I was happy about the comment. Because that is exactly what the path is about, we can be content with awareness, It can be cultivated and can cause “transformative experiences”Mr. Epstein, the “Magic of Awareness”Jim Dalton is what “bare attention cultivates”Mr. Epstein.

June 27, 2019 “Taking”Mr. Epstein, pain and restlessness this morning. Sore this morning, but feeling better now. “Polish what I already have”Jim Dalton. Coming back to the breath, and “expanding”Mr. Epstein, to consciousness. “Imagination as a tool of awareness”Jim Dalton. And “Guru Yoga”Jim Dalton, towards my Teachers. It’s not Psychoanalytic Transference, but “projecting my good qualities onto the teacher”Jim Dalton and seeing them as they “found their Enlightenment”.Mr. Epstein. Doing analytic and placement meditation on Guru Yoga after I am done with this. Tantra as a tool of awareness. “Content is not as important as the consciousness that knows them”Mr. Epstein. Radiating light, of “exulted wisdom”Gen Jangsam. Sometimes wrathful aspect and Vajradharma at their heart, who is luminous of the vajra and bell. With Mr. Epstein at my heart, blessing and purifying. Knowing imagination is a tool of awareness.

June 25, 2019 Taking care of posture in meditation, as a meditation in it’s self, until it becomes second nature. Going to meditate this evening when it’s quite out. “Hang back just a bit”Mr. Epstein, can be applied to posture also, not just internally. Rereading about Guru Yoga and they have something similar in Christianity called Discipleship. It takes time to learn bare attention, Mr. Epstein said he learned the beginnings of it and was secure in his mediation practice before he saw his new therapist Michael Miller. I’m still working on my posture, so I have a long ways to go. I read thoughts without a thinker for a long time every time astonished by the writing. Taking notes to self, or this blog, is helpful for me so I know what I was doing the day before, and not to loose track of focus. Right View or right understanding and right thought or “how to be with ourselves”Mr. Epstein, was on “equal footing with the meditative path”Mr. Epstein. Theory and practice, back and fourth again that is the way it progresses. Once you have the theory well established, then you learn how to be with problems without using many words, or a situation arises, and you are “caught of guard”Mr. Epstein, it becomes possible to have a “transformative experience”Mr. Epstein.

June 20, 2019 During meditation I focused on keep good posture, and am maintaining during the meditation break. Getting a sore spot on my back, but it helps take difficult emotions and restlessness. I’m baring tired now, but maintaining the posture. Thinking of my teachers are Buddha’s, and have “my good qualities”Jim Dalton. “I could be the last sentient being”Kadampa’s. “Always, always, always have time to practice”Mr. Epstein. Still working on posture to bare difficult emotions, and “hang back just a bit”Mr. Epstein. Just had a memory, and a reaction to the memory, but came back to my posture. Remembering the posture of the good meditator in front of me. Once again developing good posture in this meditation, it goes faster than mindfulness, but is an important piece in meditation. Just corrected my posture again, writing this piece. What has happened to Mr. Epstein, is he “moves between the two seeing each one through the eyes of the other.” or Buddhism and Psychotherapy. “Trying to see why people think they are different”Mr. Epstein.

June 16, 2019 Jim Dalton gave me good advice today and solved some pressing issues. First is “Polish what you already have” so that means do my stuff without trying for tummo. Another is “Imagination as a tool of awareness” which is a relief. And he gave me Guru Yoga and put it in my lap, as different then Psychoanalytic Transferance, in which the Patient projects earlier relationships on the Therapist. Jim Dalton said I can project good qualities I already have onto the teacher, I asked him about having faith that my Teachers already have found their Enlightenment, and reinforced that with the “7 Enlightenment factors”Jim Dalton, Robert Beatty and Mr. Epstein. Because “imagination is a tool of awareness” I can imagine my teachers radiating 5 colored lights and so forth, to give them a sense of magic, which reinforces faith that they found their Enlightenment. I had a good meditation today, a really good meditator was sitting in front of me, I try to emulate his posture. Through something that Sifu Tran taught me. I need to start doing Guru Yoga at home speed up my path to Enlightenment. Guru Yoga is just an idea, I analyze Guru Yoga or put into practice and place the awareness on the feeling it generates, developing faith in my teachers.

June 15, 2019 Keeping my posture and watching the reactions to look at the clock or stop meditating. The use of imagination could be an offering to oneself or the Dragon Buddha. Just had a memory that stopped me in my tracks. “The content is not as important as the consciousness that knows them.”Mr. Epstein. Creative work with restlessness, seeing the reaction or desire to move, and “knowing them as different”Mr. Epstein, the the restlessness or core feeling, “frees the awareness from being linked to the problem”Mr. Epstein. “Magical display to consciousness”Robert Beatty, could this be an offering to ones self? Is imagination magical? Certainly not memories in the form of negative imagination. A sense of magic is developed through playing D&D, which uses imagination, roleplaying and core mechanic to get a feel for magic. The 5 complete purities, to me seem magical, when using imagination in this way, but it’s also a “display to consciousness”Robert Beatty. Emptiness is also Magical, mix this with imagination most defiantly would be an offering to consciousness. Even “Consciousness” is Emptiness, according to Gesha Kelsang.

June 12, 2019 “Taking whatever is given”Mr. Epstein in meditation, a response to the situation, without guided meditation. Mostly watching my belly, and being nonjudgmental towards it. Vajra meditation is about bare attention and mindfulness, because emptiness is visual, it makes sense to imagine the teachings for Buddhist Tantra. Vajrayana can be practiced during the meditation break. Clear light is not an altered state, it is our most subtle awareness that can see emptiness or “magical display to consciousness”Robert Beatty. Unproduced space is imagined for the objects we see, and is important for finding emptiness. Staying on the surface of the emotions, not going more deeply into them and “examining” our “relationship to them”, develops the “observing awareness, which bare attention cultivates”Mr. Epstein.

June 11, 2019 Mostly dealing with problems like restlessness in meditation today, or problems “the problem is just as good as a meditation object, as the breath, the sensations in the belly, the sounds of the birds”M. Epstein. The Dragon Buddha, or Gold Dragon Buddha, has both fire and ice, so my Self Generation has Gold Dragon robes to remind me of this insight, he also wears a Vajra and belt, to represent Bare Attention and Emptiness or the Palm in Tai Chi. Who has found his Enlightenment. Imagination fits well with Emptiness because it also is seen with the eyes. Concieving the breath as emptiness, will help it appear as Emptiness. “Hanging back just a bit”M. Epstein, may be helpful for seeing the inner world as an illusion. Or “Magical display to consciousness”Robert Beatty. My Gold Dragon Tai Chi uniform is conceived as magical, it’s also semi transparent to get a sense of it’s Emptiness. My Emptiness is the same as the Gold Dragon Buddha’s Emptiness, as Je Tsongkapa would say. The Vajra is a reminder of M. Epstein’s teaching on Bare Attention and Mindfulness, for a wordless self observation. During Meditation, I do mindfulness, bare attention, and “float freely in the Emptiness that Buddhist Meditation reveals”M. Epstein. I still can’t seen Emptiness in self observation, but by conceiving it as so, helps to make it appear.

June 9, 2019 Robert Beatty said “meditation is not meaningful or nonmeaningful it just is” I think that he is pointing to a non conceptual understanding of the Dharma, because he also said that “thoughts, fantasy and imagination” are not what the Dharma is about it’s in his term “awake” but still relies on a map for enlightenment. So like Ahjahn Cha, showing wrong views of extremes and leading us down the road not going too far to the left or right. At the end of his talk he emphasized “ideas” like M. Epstein does, in it’s negative view. This “ideas” covers “thoughts, fantasy and imagination”. Kadampa Monks study for 20 years before meditating to get the correct conceptual map according to M. Epstein. M Epstein found that right view was on equal footing with right meditation, so he explains how to be with ourselves when meditating or during the meditation break. Robert Beatty doesn’t leave Enlightenment out of the picture, for example at the end of Bare attention, impersonal quality you identify with nothing so you are everything. Buddhism according to M. Epstein, is full of paradoxes, for example the Dalia Lama said “change the root thought but remain as you are.” The clear light mind is the very subtle mind, that is the most powerful, which is very subtle awareness, in Buddhist Tantra in completion stage they use this mind to chip away at Emptiness. Emptiness is not an abstraction, it’s the way things are, but you need notions to see Emptiness with your own Eyes.

June 5, 2019 Meditated for an hour, discovering that I had reactions to stop meditation, so “that is my enlightenment”Epstein. Trying my best to penetrate the restlessness, and in someway trying to get rid of it all together. Becoming interested in the noxious feeling for sometime, but my mind was avoiding the feeling, centered in my heart. I had reactions wanting to look at the clock, but let them subside on their own. In the beginning I was practicing “illusion like”Wikipedia”conceived self”. Or reaching down into myself and the feelings I felt cognized them as an illusion. Which “brings the future result into the path” I was mindful of the problem of restlessness which is just as good as a “meditation object, as the breath, the sensations in the belly, the sounds of the birds.”Epstein. Post meditation I will work with the “illusion like”Wikipedia “conceived self”Epstein. Now I’m “conceiving”Epstein the breath like an illusion, because I have heavy breathing, that is useful for a gross object. I am not breathing shallow like a couple of weeks ago when I was “hang back just a bit”Epstein, which might have been a reaction to hanging back too much, I don’t know. Robert Beatty helped me to meditate every day, so I just started doing it. Staying with the breath, is easy right now because of the comfort, knowing it will not last, weary of attachment, to this state, taking care of my back.

June 2, 2019 Returning to the belly, for the meditation today, “hanging back just a bit”M. Epstein. Robert Beatty said that “fantasy realm of ideology” of politics, is just that a fantasy. He is probably speaking to that these people are lost in their mind, and not “coming to their senses”M. Epstein. Anyways I am practicing mindfulness, saw some emptiness today, and hoping the more I do that I will begin to see inner emptiness with bare attention or mindfulness. Dharma Protector “based”, “illusion like “wikipedia ”conceived self”M. Epstein is a phrase that can be easier to put into practice than a paragraph, so it’s short cut phrase. Just finish half and hour of Tai Chi, in my room and broke a sweat, and feel better. Self Generation or Dharma Protector based, illusion like conceived self is my next practice for now.

May 29, 2019 In meditation I had a sensation in my heart and had reactions to it in the form of thoughts, I knew them as different and returned to the sensory event in my heart. I had reactions to negative imagination last night. Also I caught myself doing the “natural algebra”M. Epstein of the mind in my room, and returned to my breath. In meditation I mostly was doing breath awareness and alternating to “reaching down into myself”M. Epstein or “coming to my senses”M. Epstein. I did some self generation last night or the Gold Dragon “based”, illusion-like “conceived self”M. Epstein. I learned what Je Tsongkapa did during self generation off of Wikipedia. Which was useful. Coming back to breath awareness, right now to do with the frustration of what to write next. The 5 complete Purities is what distinguishes Sutra from Tantra. I did a deed of a Gold Dragon by meditating this morning. Developing Draconic Pride when self generating, or “conceiving” self as illusion-like, and imagining self as a Dharma Protector. It’s important to imagine self fading into emptiness, then arising as a semi transparent Dharma Protector, to get a sense of the Emptiness of the new self. The new sense of self is also Emptiness, just as I am also the nature of Emptiness. Inner phenomena are also the nature of Emptiness, like the attachment that arises after an offering to one’s self. The spiritual practices are Deeds of a Gold Dragon along with Tai Chi. Bare Attention and mindfulness are Deeds of a Gold Dragon. The Draconic Pride of being a Gold Dragon is for controlling delusions, not acting out the new character. It isn’t deluded pride, or “a whole complex of selfish conceits”M. Epstein. It’s pride in finding my Enlightenment, or “spontaneously born exulted wisdom” Gen Jangsam. “Bringing the future result into the path”Gen Jangsam. I myself have not “found my enlightenment”M. Epstein, but brings me closer to the result by imaging it. Self Generation first, next Clear Appearance, once comfortable with imagining myself as a Dharma Protector, I can then imagine the environment as Emptiness with rainbow like projections into my space. Not forgetting Bliss or Bare Attention or Vajra when encountering difficult emotions like attachment and psychological emptiness, low self esteem, anger, greed, and narcissistic attachment. Robert Beatty explains how important it is for people to go to collage, because once his Grand kids talked much better on collage break then before. “Controlling delusions”Gesha Kelsang, is the main purpose of self generation and finding my enlightenment. M. Epstein writes “float freely in the emptiness that Buddhist meditation reveals”, to do this I need to “Behold”M. Epstein the attachment that comes from offering to one’s self. They consume each other, like “rubbing two sticks together until they consume themselves.”Gesha Kelsang. To do this I need to see inner emptiness, which the word “beholding”M. Epstein, might help.

May 26, 2019 Had a good meal this evening, Robert Beatty has written a book and is going to be published. Thinking at how to develop self generation, the phrase I came up with is similar to “breath based, temporally conceived self”M. Epstein, it goes like this Dharma Protector based, illusion-like conceived self, this shifts the self from ordinary conception to Draconic Pride which is the first of the 5 complete purities, ordinary conception is more of a problem than ordinary appearance in the beginning. To transform offerings to ones self, Geshe Kelsang we see the attachments emptiness. Deeds of a Gold Dragon, are like meditating everyday and practice Tai Chi. For the room service chamber I imagine the room as Empty or like space. Baldur’s Gate or all other environments is more advanced practice of clear appearance. For now I practice Dharma Protector “based”, illusion-like “conceived self”M. Epstein.

May 24, 2019 Meditated for an hour today, and “hanged back just a bit”M. Epstein, I was distancing myself too much from pleasurable experiences, but not too close either, because like “the glass that is already broken”M. Epstein, every minute with it is precious. Watched a lot of emptiness this time, “letting the breath breathe you”M. Epstein, alternating between mindfulness, bare attention and emptiness. I didn’t need to do deep breathing, because of gazing at emptiness. I meditate with my eyes open. Doing my best too stay impartial, with the proper distance. Observing my breath again, I am naturally doing belly breathing which is a relief, because of how shallow it was for the past week.

May 22, 2019 Meditated for an hour and feel bliss now. Sore shoulders. Following through Robert Beatty’s goal for us. I can meditate on the breath with my eyes open now. I’m alternating between mindfulness or remembering and bare attention. If I hang back too much my breathing becomes shallow, there might be a link between impartial self observation and deep breathing, I don’t know. I’m staying out of bed at home now and my best meditation posture is walking, when I can “reach down into myself”M. Epstein or “come to my senses”M. Epstein. “Self consciousness” can disappear in the “act of creation”Robert Beatty and M. Epstein. It’s not just for “artists, musicians, and writers”M. Epstein which he talks about in a recent podcast. It’s also for people like us. For example video games and meditation. M Epstein says “the problem in the Human realm is we don’t really know who we are” there for its the realm of “creative activity” and “bare attention”.

May 19, 2019 “Imaginary characters in Game of Thrones”Robert Beatty, not “fantasy”Robert Beatty, is what he is pointing towards, Robert Beatty doesn’t like “fantasy” he had distinguished between the two. During meditation he mentioned “Emptiness”Robert Beatty as a psychological ailment that afflicts many people during the guided meditation. The “Magical display to consciousness”Robert Beatty, is something the Tibetans came up with. Robert Beatty doesn’t like the word “fantasy”, probable for good reason, because it “connotes”M. Epstein about living in a “trance”Robert Beatty even I don’t like that word. Robert Beatty’s goal for us is to “meditate for an hour each day, without music”. Robert Beatty is making “impersonal” or the emotional life like the “weather”Robert Beatty as and end goal for Enlightenment. Robert has a map for the path to Enlightenment that has come from the Theravada Tradition. And “impartial”M. Epstein as the beginning of that path. Why? Because impartial is the first essential “quality”M. Epstein of bare attention “to get a sense of it”.

May 18, 2019 Right now I have a headache, “taking”M. Epstein, the headache and not “fighting”Robert Beatty with it. “Curious”Robert Beatty about the sensation. My stomach feels painful also. It has subsided a bit, the root delusions or greed, hatred and ignorance, operate to give rise to the 6 realms. Also being impartial is the opponent to “like and dislike” Robert Beatty, or in their extreme state of greed and hatred. Emptiness is the antidote to self grasping ignorance. It’s important to remember that painful feelings are not the “enemy”M. Epstein, if you “push them away”M. Epstein and Robert Beatty, then it becomes like a Chinese finger trap, and you can’t “free the awareness from being linked to the problem”M. Epstein, “what needs to happen instead”M. Epstein is to “examine your relationship”M. Epstein to the head ache, and “to know them as different, that’s bare attention”M. Epstein.

May 15, 2019 Dealing with “pleasant and unpleasant”Robert Beatty feelings this morning. The unpleasant “is my enlightenment”M. Epstein. I was cultivating Draconic Pride or pride in the vajra and bell. Meditated last night with the “beauty”Robert Beatty of Emptiness, decided to also watch my core or “reaching down into myself”M. Epstein or “coming to my senses”M. Epstein. I meditate with my eyes open now. If I focus on my breath my eyes dry out, so I mostly do bare attention. “Taking whatever is given”M. Epstein. “Like and dislike”Robert Beatty is not the “attitude”M. Epstein and Robert Beatty of bare attention, “impartiality”M. Epstein is the first “quality”M. Epstein of the Vajra, or to “get a sense of it”M. Epstein. Even in Vajrayana, sadhanas still use language, when visualizing the Yidam. They’re ornamental and detailed Yidams and Mandalas. The New Guide to Dakini Land by Gesha Kelsang explains how to do Tantra throughout the day. Sitting more in meditation now, which is better then laying down. Imaging the Vajra gold belt, to get a sense of bare attention, still practicing “impartiality”M. Epstein, the first essential “quality”M. Epstein of bare attention. The “opponent” Gesha Kelsang to “like or dislike”Robert Beatty. The reason I still use “inner enemy”Gesha Kelsang is to alert me to this kind of relating to “emotional life”M. Epstein. The “inner enemy” or “the three root delusions” is it “contaminates”M. Epstein and Gesha Kelsang the “emotional life”. One of the purposes of meditation is to “decontaminate the emotional life so it can become a means or vehicle for my Awakening”M. Epstein. I played Zelda 64 and Breath of the wild last night, and had lots of fun. The Shekah slate or cell phone is important for my self generation, because of how useful it is as a tool. Even Robert Beatty watches the news!

May 12, 2019 Sujata also had a “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” Robert Beatty. “pleasant and unpleasant”Robert Beatty, or “like and dislike” Robert Beatty these feelings. To “get a sense of it”M. Epstein or Bare attention, the first “quality”M. Epstein is its “impartiality” to “take whatever is given”M. Epstein and for “pleasant and unpleasant”Robert Beatty, M. Epstein says “not to screen out the unpleasant and not to hold onto the pleasant”. “Just the bare facts, an exact registering”M. Epstein. So “pleasant and unpleasant”Robert Beatty are so basic too understanding Bare Attention, to know that I am having one of these sensations or feelings, it “induces”M. Epstein, the learning process of “impartiality”M. Epstein, if I have my Buddhist remembering(mindfulness) and bare attention close at hand. “Not to turn away from or diminish “unpleasant”Robert Beatty”M. Epstein.

May 12, 2019 Robert Beatty tells a story about being in a “Buddhist Cult”, The teacher a man named “Sujata”, had “clairvoyance” a miracle power, and would talk to people individually and convert them. Robert Beatty under the “spell” “lost all his contacts in Europe” and was “lying all the time”. He even ask a prominent Collage for Sujata to speak too, telling him that he gave talks to other Collages but once asked who they were, he could not respond, because Sujata never did. Someone with “street wise” told Robert that this man was dangerous. It took his hard work to get out of the Cult. “95% of Dharma” he was taught was accurate.

May 11, 2019 “”Take”Robert Beatty, whatever is given”M. Epstein, Robert Beatty rather strongly emphasized “take” strongly, which is an essential aspect of the first essential quality of Bare Attention, it’s impartiality. Also Robert Beatty emphasized strongly “push and pull” the basic key of 24 form tai chi, Which Jim at temple teaches chi gong and practices Tai chi with his “buddies”. I’ve heard Robert Beatty say “like, dislike” several times, to my ears is a key to bare attention, a reaction to pleasant and unpleasant feelings. The vectors of fading in and out phenomena are quite beautiful and is probably one of the reasons its a vajra bell, or bliss bell. “Take” Robert Beatty, to my eyes is basic to bare attention, “take whatever is given” means its “choice-less” whatever feeling, thought, sensation, or reaction presents its self, that is the naked facts to be with in a nonjudgemental way.

May 11, 2019 “Taking whatever is given” M. Epstein, in particular a painful feeling not “fighting” Robert Beatty with it. In front generation or imagining a field of Buddhas at eye level, If you can’t imagine the details then just do “blob Buddhas”Gen La Jansam. Then dedicate the merit to helping sentient beings. Taking more pain, “opening too, and disidentifing with”M. Epstein, looking for a distraction, “dislike” Robert Beatty arising. Pain and pleasure arising at the same time, now mostly pleasure, also taking that, and being impartial with or “not holding onto the pleasant”M. Epstein. Looking for a “neutral resting place”M. Epstein. All of this bare attention is also a Vajrayana practice, which is the Vajra or “red thread that runs all through Buddhism”. Pleasure arising, taking that and not holding on M. Epstein. Looking for reactions and their core events or “frog, plop”M. Epstein.

May 9, 2019 If Robert Beatty, when he was 4 years old he thought if he did the Catholic Ritual right then he would be saved. That was his magic. Zopa a Kadampa Monk told me that he “believes in Nagas”. He even went to collage. Robert Beatty has two Masters degrees, is supicious about the school or reason. D&D for the most doesn’t believe in that stuff, probably because most can’t see emptiness. Because of Emptiness nothing is “fixed”. I had two painful feelings this morning which “is my enlightenment”M. Epstein. D&D works for the most part. My Mother still reads Fantasy at her old age. “Magical display to consciousness” Robert Beatty or the three marks of existents or Dukkha, “breath based, temporally conceived self”M. Epstein (seeing impermanence of the skandhas) and Emptiness”selflessness” Robert Beatty or lack of “solidity”Robert Beatty. In the act of “creation” Robert Beatty “self consciousness disappears”M. Epstein. The Dao also has emptiness, a Chinese man called me “Lung Lung” after I named my way of open hand Monk “Ling”, Lung in Tibetan means wind disease, from meditating too hard. And Taoists probably know Buddhist meditate too hard to find Emptiness, without Tran my Tai chi teacher it would have become difficult to find Emptiness.

May 5, 2019 Watching for inner Emptiness, by looking away from the core just a bit, this could work for attachment or any other delusion. Or as M. Epstein says “hang back just a bit”. Which could help with “floating freely in the Emptiness that Buddhist meditation reveals.”M. Epstein. It’s important to remember, that Vajrayana is an advanced practice, that if you are a beginner, begin with the “breath based, temporally conceived self”M. Epstein, this breath based self has a “resonance with the emotional life”M. Epstein and there for “A magical display to conciousness”Robert Beatty. If you are a beginner note that you can still get “A magical display to conciousness”Robert Beatty through breath awareness, this remembering(mindfulness) is part of the path to emptiness.

May 1, 2019 When imagining the pureland, we first imagine the environment dissolving into emptiness, then the imagined world comes from this emptiness, where magic is alive. This new world is still rooted in emptiness, so as to “bringing the future result into the path” Gen Jangsam. With self generation, we say to ourselves “I have found my enlightenment” within this illusory magical world. To develop Draconic pride, or Divine pride of being a Buddha which is the opponent to ordinary conception. Gesha Kelsang said when working with the attachments to the offerings to ones self, see the attachment’s emptiness. For clear appearance, I imagine form is emptiness, then imagine M. Epstein’s Buddha on Advice not Given, on a stand radiating light rays to all of the people in the room, blessing them and myself. It’s important to “sublimate” M. Epstein (thoughts without a thinker) the root delusions into a creative act so I don’t have any “self consciousness” M. Epstein when doing this. Because everyday pleasures, can’t do this for us. We find out when we get older.

May 1, 2019 We are all haunted by the lost perfection of the ego that contained everything, and we measure ourselves and our lovers against this standard. We search for a replica in external satisfactions, in food, comfort, sex, or success, but gradually learn, through the process of sublimation, that the best approximation of that lost feeling comes from creative acts that evoke states of being in which self-consciousness is temporarily relinquished. These are the states in which the artist, writer, scientist, or musician, like Freud’s da Vinci, dissolves into the act of creation. ~ Mark Epstein

April 30, 2019 “It’s all about imagination” M. Epstein, Buddhist Tantra is. Lynn said that if we imagine an outcome before we do it it helps in accomplishing the goal. Vajrayana Buddhist know this, and why Geshe Kelsang say some people misuse Tantra for worldly goals. Imagining is fun including self generation, which is why I have enthusiasm for this practice. You need to see emptiness to do this practice or it’s only half of the picture. This practice is for controlling delusions, it’s not about acting out this new character. When I self generate, I say to myself “I have found my enlightenment”, which is more in accord with M. Epstein, and closer to playing a character in D&D where we invest some of ourself into the character, which makes us feel more real. In accord to Mahamudra Tantra, we know our character has found enlightenment not I myself, to avoid narcissistic attachment. It’s about controlling delusions of ordinary conception and ordinary appearance which includes the 3 root delusions in the center of the wheel of life. Because if I have found my enlightenment, then I would not be moved by attachment.

April 28, 2019 Robert Beatty also said “don’t fight” the mind, right now I’m working with fight or flight reaction, which mouth breathing and simply being helps. He talked about the Buddha’s mother death at his very young age and his aunt became his mother, so he said he has been reading or a group has been reading “The Trauma of everyday life”. This is my meditation spot at home, also Robert Beatty said they have done a lot of studies of meditators, and how it invokes the relaxation response. They have lots of medical studies on the effects of meditation. Also they are reading a book by Ajohn Bramh(not sure how to spell his name) about the subtleties of meditation. Robert Beatty also said we come with trauma, maybe not at a young age like some, but we all have it. “love that has room for everything” is a favorite quote of Robert Beatty. I had a good meditation at temple today, shifting to my “breath based, temporally conceived self” M. Epstein. Also on the bus sometimes. Robert also said that the Buddha had two attempts on his life, a couple of scandals, and most people thought he was whatever”they didn’t want to give up their cell phones”Robert Beatty.

April 25, 2019 Taking a break from bare attention, and am working on sound sculptures, and trying to wrap my mind about that. Don’t push away and don’t hold on, or “repress or express my problems”.M. Epstein This problem takes more then one person in my life. Still listening to music, to wrap my mind around a sound sculpture. Staying away from world of warcraft, by playing Zelda, which will have a new game out this december. Reducing changing suffering at home, which is a relief. I haven’t begun doing Logic Pro that much yet but is probably in the works.

April 22, 2019 The Kadampa’s said the Buddhism is not about extreme sports. And Je Tsongkapa found his enlightenment, he also practiced Tantra. “mind realm” Robert, is shorthand for the 6 realms, at least that’s what I think he meant. “Don’t go to war with the mind”Robert, or “push it away”Robert. M. Epstein would most certainly agree. “Coming to your senses” M. Epstein, or bare attention is what is commonly said in Buddhist communities. Robert can’t use “self awareness” he was told by his teacher, he uses “consciousness” instead, which totally sucks. “Identify” must be a common word in Buddhist teachings, M. Epstein writes “it’s possible not to identify with the products of our own experience.”

April 20, 2019 M. Epstein said that people who can get into the zone are just as discontent as everyone else, no matter how useful it is to artist, athletes, business people etc..., we need something else to find “uncommon happiness” M. Epstein, which is bare attention or mindfulness. Which the Buddhist community and some Psychotherapist teach. This flow state, is also accessed in meditation, but this is not the main point, the point in bare attention and mindfulness is to work with the emotional life, to find our “uncommon happiness”M. Epstein. The God realm of peak experiences, is not the main realm in Buddhism it’s the Human realm, to practice bare attention and creative achievement to get to know ourself better.

April 18, 2019 No pain this morning, learned that role playing doesn’t take a long talk, just a sentence or two to the city guard or magistrate to try and make friends. I usually don’t know the plot, and DM’s are running from modules these days, but if I’m roleplaying from my flaws and ideals then I might get a inspiration point. By playing in character. Like making friends with a lone monster so they don’t attack a village, but a different one. But in self generation I talk from my natural voice, so I can feel real or myself while I self generate or what I look like to myself. It’s about controlling delusions, or Buddhist Tantric delusions of ordinary conception and ordinary appearance. Which includes all other delusions. Seeing the emptiness of attachment, to offerings to ones self. Freud said “even the successful pursuit of pleasure leaves us slightly discontent.” M. Epstein.

April 14, 2019 “self hatred” Robert “which the Dalai Lama asked all the western teachers at a conference if they had this, they all nodded their heads yes.” Robert. M. Epstein said “it didn’t compute for him.” So this low self esteem or “unworthiness” is a big problem in the West, yet the East wind is blowing. This is probably why my memories always go to the negative. “my memory went back to something, but it was my teeth grinding together.” M. Epstein. Those of us who do have this are “striking on emptiness” or “Buddhist emptiness” M. Epstein. “We can’t have somebody without nobody, they are inextricably linked” M. Epstein. We need to have strategies for this problem, “that cull the best from each tradition”M. Epstein. This could be one of the reasons for the popularity of D&D, to help bolster self esteem, through role playing a character, in the world of Forgotten Realms.

April 11, 2019 Devouring manuals, found my best reading way, which makes a big difference. Not knowing if a feeling is good or bad, it’s more of a “great adventure” Pema Chodren, of impartiality and bare attention. Not knowing, or just know the breath is in or out through it’s awareness. “Always, always, always there is time to practice” M. Epstein. Developing “the observing awareness, which bare attention cultivates” M. Epstein. Developing “curiosity about ourself” Robert or “self analysis” M. Epstein, being aware of “what I like and dislike” Robert is an indicator that I’m having a reaction or and not putting into practice bare attention. “Push and pull” are key words for learning Tai chi. Breath awareness, “resonates with the emotional life” M. Epstein, so its a good meditation object for bare attention.

April 9, 2019 “Vimalakīrti’s Verses on Cool Heroes + Cool Heroism” a podcast by Robert Thurman, is so cool, you have to listen for yourself. The Goddess speaks to Sharputra, about Enlightenment and Emptiness to him, and shows him her Magical house that form the outside it’s a regular house but from the inside it has infinite rooms. I’ve been listening to music, and reading books on how to make mixes and other things about music. I got some tai chi done in the backyard. Vajrayogini is another female Buddha, her Buddhist Tantra is the yogas for her practice, both generation and completion stage in “The new guide to Dakini land”. Pema Chodron writes “ Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all.” This not knowing if something is good or bad, gives room bare attention, which is a “great adventure”, “but really we just don’t know.” Pema Chodron.

April 6, 2019 Music can help the imagination and practicing tai chi, when silence doesn’t work. And in some cases even bare attention, like John Cage. I can “always, always, always” M. Epstein practice. When practicing bare attention and mindfulness I alternate throughout the day. The New York times writes that the Military in several countries including the U.S., “are being taught deep breathing and meditation techniques to improve..” M. Epstein writes. Deep breathing or dan tain breathing has been helpful in my life as well as mindfulness or the breath based self. Still listening to music, which has been useful. Did some silk reeling, walking in my room and outside. Putting the breath based temporally concieved self into practice.

April 3, 2019 Imaginary identity can help process low self esteem, by giving the self a refuge from the “tumult”M. Epstein of daily life. Self generation has reminders of bare attention, which works with the moment to moment self. I think the “Dream Body” M. Epstein has something to do with imagination, what I imagine from the mind’s eye reflects how the “brain interprets reality”, Lynn. “Feeling real” M. Epstein, comes from the joy of being ourself, but can be obscured by low self esteem or the hungry ghost realm. Bare attention “can be used for our most private emotional experiences” M. Epstein. I feel most like myself with creative acts, that express myself, or exploring what I am, which is the human realm. Which has a therapeutic effect on the psyche.

April 3, 2019 To “feel real” M. Epstein, or the Precious Human life in the Lamrim of the Kadampas I need to process low self esteem, which didn’t come from childhood, but many people feel in the hungry ghost realm. This low self esteem is an epidemic in the West. Role playing games with its reliance on imagination and new identity might be a portal into “feeling real”M. Epstein. I had great enthusiasm in high school being a DM, reading the players handbook and making adventures in my mind’s eye and paper so I could feel more like myself, or “creative achievement” M. Epstein, in the Human realm. Now I use the “Human realm” also for “cultivating Bare Attention” which is explained by M. Epstein. The joy of D&D, may come from inpart from the “Dream body” M. Epstein, and imagination during post D&D, where emotions are processed. Mixing imagination from the game play with daily life might influence the “dream body” W. R. Bion, where “difficult emotions” M. Epstein are processed or “metabolized” M. Epstein. D&D has “correspondence with tantric visualizations” Tricycle.

April 3, 2019 In the Rifts world, my Leyline Rifter reading M. Epstein’s Books found his Enlightenment under the Millennium Tree at 9th level, of bliss and emptiness through “spontaneous born exulted wisdom” Gesha Kelsang. Not knowing how to enter Tummo. But practiced Mandala offerings to the great Tree of life. Now as a Dharma Protector, through meditative absorption in Tai Chi, he is helping Humans and D Bees to find theirs for who ever is willing to listen. Helping them defend themselves with magic and tai chi and teaching them about bare attention and emptiness, then teleporting himself with the help of others to other Millennium Trees, to spread bare attention and tai chi. Casting meditative spells to help them with delusions and hinderances. Getting tablets to read and listen to M. Epstein, for the new found meditators at Millennium Trees. Searching the Rifts Earth for more of these Trees.

April 3, 2019 My unique individuality is not clouded over when role playing or self generation, its an extension of myself. Because I play characters that I would enjoy playing. So my Precious Human life isn’t covered over when practicing self generation. I enjoy imagining myself in a world of the minds eye so it doesn’t impede on “feeling more like myself” M. Epstein. I get to explore myself when doing this, when I’m in the human realm. M. Epstein uses imagery to remind me of some teachings for example the screen on the window is “don’t screen out the unpleasant” M. Epstein or “The emotional realm is the window into the Buddha realm.” M. Epstein. So even he uses imagery to remind me of basic teachings. So the 5 complete purities can all be used to remind me of M. Epstein’s teachings. It’s just a matter of finding the right teaching for the right aspect of the Mandala and self generation. That speak about bare attention or some other useful teaching, like “it takes in everything” M. Epstein, can be taking in PPE on a leyline. In the mind’s eye of imagination of Rifts roleplaying game. This is just one example, of how to put basic meditation instruction into the Rifts world. Or in terms of D&D, the magical item, bag of holding, becomes a reminder of the “holding environment, a nonjudgmental stance is said to be healing” M. Epstein.

April 2, 2019 Precious Human life says our individuality is precious, what does this have to do with self generation? In D&D we always choose a character that we are drawn towards. That speak to the player, something that relates to our Precious Human life or individuality, if it makes sense on a personal level then I choose that character. Playing in character I express myself through that character through action, so my unique self shines through. This makes the character authentic to my Precious Human Life. So I don’t feel fake playing my character when I express my actions that I am taking. In role playing games, I am always sensitive to my Precious individual self, so I feel like I am that character to suspend disbelief. Even if I am not my character, creative expression of my authentic self is not stifled and that creative expression of my Precious Human life will speak through my character class.

March 30, 2019 Listening to new music, which is a relief to hear. Taking a break from the mind’s eye of 5 complete purities to problem solving some basic problems. Still listening to M. Epstein, he has written seven books and is still going. Mostly working on configuring my computer world so it’s squared away. “From the square to the circle to the square” (the roots). The mind’s eye is more important then learning, according to Einstein. D&D is not Zen, it’s Vajrayana stuff, same with other Role playing games. There is just too much visualization stuff for it not to be. The psychodynamics of visualization would be an interesting paper, and we have brain science on imagination also. But not necessary to put into practice self generation into Role Playing worlds. Any character in Rifts be it good can become a Yidam, D&D also emphasizes playing different characters sometimes. So the Yidam can change, in new campaigns.

March 27, 2019 Did a lot of imagining last night and some body scan. Imagining that I was a Ley line Rifter for self generation, and the room service chamber of the 5 complete purities, as a room in a Millennium Tree or Tree of life, I had techno wizard items, and imagining unproduced space. My computer has memory so I thought it was a good object to remember the body scan and breath awareness, also it was a techno wizard device. I learned that the brain doesn’t know if imagination is real or not, thinking that it is real even though it is only in my mind, in Vajrayana imagination is wisdom, because what we see it “not the truth” because its ultimate nature is emptiness. In Vajrayana to imagine a character that has found their enlightenment, and self generate that character, not acting out, because it’s about controlling delusions, I still act as myself even when I am self generating. I was transported to a new world with the help of Rifts and Vajrayana. I can expand the story as it evolves with imaginary characters come and go, that are searching for their enlightenment. Also I can receive blessings from the Millennium tree, and I learned meditator spells when I Rifted to the Pureland and they allowed me into it through the Vajra fence. It’s interesting that the imagination tricks the brain into believe that it is kind of happening, maybe that is why in Vajrayana imagination is wisdom. Transforming inner Demons or Delusions “into a means to awakening instead of obstacles to our happiness.” M. Epstein. Through bare attention, not by “subtle distancing” M. Epstein from them. This is also part of Vajrayana, which has to do with being a Dharma Protector. I just did a quick self generation, to keep my imagination going. Using imagination in Vajrayana to remind me of bare attention and emptiness or the vajra and vajra bell.

March 24, 2019 Played some video games, not playing enough. Had an interesting teacher at temple today, he mostly talked about the first noble truth and reactivity plays in it. And the Buddha’s talk about being wounded by an arrow, then the reactivity starts and then wounded by another then another. This teaching is prominent in the teaching of Mark Epstein about how you have to know the reaction is different then the root event, you can apply bare attention to both but you have to know them as different that’s bare attention. As you can see this is very practical, in our day to day lives. This is diminishing reactivity.

March 23, 2019 Listened to a podcast with M. Epstein in it. And he talked about how tantric practice transforms demons or metabolizing them, not wasting the energy in them. This is how bare attention works with these “demons”. Not avoiding them either, or pushing them away. They are turned into an object of meditation. Turning towards the impermanence that is happening all the time in ourselves and outside also. I think taking and giving helps with “transforming” “demons” because it makes me more aware of these difficult emotions when they arise. This “quality” of bare attention is always a potential within ourself, cultivating it helps with having these moving experiences.

March 20, 2019 Find enlightenment under a Millennium tree. Use magic to find enlightenment of a Dharma Protector. A Layline Walker Rifter, found a Pureland with teachings about enlightenment, and how magic can be used to find this exulted state. Through meditation, and casting spells, he put M. Epstein’s teaching into practice and is searching for his enlightenment with the help of a Millennium Tree and the rift to a Pureland. Using ppe to see emptiness and put into practice bare attention. Because he is a solitary realizer and a Dharma Protector he gathers books from this Pureland and the books of Mark Epstein to help others find theirs. Using Millennium Trees as a base, he uses his Rift spells to adventure to other Millennium Trees to help spread the teachings. Making mandala offerings to the Millennium Trees and Pureland he pureifies himself so he can meditate clearly and with the spells he casts on himself and others to counter the hinderences, negative blessings and the delusions, which increase the capacity for bare attention, like medication. Making MDC stupas around the tree for practice purposes. Casting these spells on people and D Bees, to help them with their delusions. Gathering herbs, for medicinal purposes and help with delusions. Hoping that people and D Bees can find their exulted state. Also teaching them tai chi, to defend themselves and make a connection with energy. Using magic to struggle with his ego, he follows the the 8 fold path to Nirvana, not deterred by material gain, because of his visits to the Pureland.

March 20, 2019 Mark Epstein is talking about how mindfulness may not be the right word for sati, it’s more closely to memory or remembering, but not in the psychoanalytic sense. Be mindful! Sounds different from remembering. This means that it is not as aggressive word remembering. This I shall keep in mind when doing remembering the body, mind and feelings. Their is a difference, between the two. How will this be in self generation? A mirror, or on the Sherkah slate the flash memory. As a Jedi, the holocron as memory for a teaching. These instruments act as a reminder for remembering the self awareness. I carry no staff, so tai chi is my main practice not weapons. This can also extend for bare attention, the object scrutiny needed in injured innocence is more weapon like or the attention and aggression is redirected during those times to find that the image of self is emptiness or the absence of inherent existence. The hinderances become the object of remembering when they arise like worry and doubt, and restlessness. Things we have been pushing away I become aware of because of the unafraid nature of bare attention. All of this stuff comes from M. Epstein. Reactions come swiftly after the feeling, then a thought comes frog, plop. I start thinking and notice that I am not remembering the breath, then return again. Working with worry, instead of pushing it away, though I still need help with it. Feeling good now, “not to hold on” M. Epstein.

March 19, 2019 I have been taking inspiration from Rifts role playing game, and how to incorporate Enlightenment and Buddhist Tantra into self generation. I’m not exactly sure how to do this but it is exciting to imagine in this way. How to make magical items that connote Bare attention, remembering(mindfulness) as well as other basic teachings. Maybe even make a class based in Enlightenment and Dharma Protector. How this is done I don’t know but does inspire my imagination. Rifts China talks about chi and other asian concepts, but it’s not as inspiring as making my own, a magic user of some sort I would like.

March 16, 2019 Still doing taking and giving, linked to M. Epstein’s instruction, difficult emotions are my enlightenment, or “bring the future result into the path”, or tantric bodhichitta. In the human realm right now, and the notion of Jedi pride, has crossed my mind, developing this through self generation. Jedi pride is geared for enlightenment, and being a dharma protector. Through the emotional life, the emptiness of the “I” can be found, which has all kinds of therapeutic uses. Also finding the emptiness of psychological emptiness or finding it’s concrete appearance. Which bare attention also helps with. The 4 foundations of mindfulness or remembering can make the ““unconscious” conscious and make the conscious more conscious” M. Epstein

March 14, 2019 Taking pain this morning, and regret, not to “screen out the unpleasant” M. Epstein, but to “take whatever is given”. My mind feels lighter then usual my reaction is to think that it has to do with all the water I have been drinking. The sun is out, and the wind is not blowing. I have don’t a little taking and giving, but mostly trying to open to the pain, or let it do me. Working on myself, remembering M. Epstein and keeping a meditation posture. Once again bare attention shows it’s usefulness. In the human realm right now and the hungry ghost realm earlier. Need to work on Draconic pride, or self generation to keep the delusion of ordinary conception at bay or to transform this in to a positive conception of self like a Gold Dragon or Dharma Protector. Or more currently a Jedi who has found his enlightenment. By “bringing the future result into the path.” Also “problems are my enlightenment” M. Epstein. Both the vajra and bell or bare attention and emptiness are the main practice. Imagining the “platform of joy” might be, also using imagination to review what I am studying, like music theory and so on. The notion that time is an idea, I use temporal as meaning impermanence, like “breath based, temporally conceived self” M. Epstein. Or the transitory nature of the body and mind, sometimes called the transitory collection. Conceiving or thinking about the self in terms of impermanence, instead of spacial metaphors which confuses the mind.

March 12, 2019 Did some tai chi in my room today, felt good after that. Still doing taking and giving, it’s evolving everyday, now on the in breath “not to screen out” with black smoke and on the out breath “not to hold on” with golden light. I get to a point where I can just do the practice for extended periods of time. “Bringing the future result into the path” or Tantric Bodhichitta. For purification of the winds or chi. Mostly in the Human realm doing creative acts to know myself better. I also imagine on the in and out breath my vajra changing from black to gold. Now I’m just remembering the breath, it just keeps on changing. Plan on doing lots of breathing practice tomorrow and tonight. Drinking lots of water, which is really good for me.

March 9, 2019 Practiced taking and giving all day yesterday, taking in “take whatever is given” in the form of black smoke. This practice taught me that these kind of experiences are happening all the time. A comment, movement from someone else, stuff, all kinds of things are happening that are not pleasant and taking and giving alerts me to this fact. It’s happening all the time, that’s one of the reasons this practice is so helpful, so I’m not surprised when it does happen. Also I can breathe in this negative energy and transform it at my heart and breath out light. My cold is getting to me, uhh, this is my practice for now. It was fine, in the morning but gets worse as the day moves on. I know it’s not personal, but the cough gets to me.

March 7, 2019 Taking and Giving or Tonglen have been useful to not be surprised by difficult emotions, also it is Tantric Bodhichitta, or “bringing the future result into the path” or as M. Epstein puts it problems “are a means to awakening instead of obstacles to my happiness.” Using imagination and breath to purify the winds or chi flowing through the channels of the body. Breathing as deep into the dan tian as possible without straining, has a relaxing effect. Also use the breath in Chen style tai chi. On the in breath lift the arms shoulder high an the out breath pull the arms down, the opening form. Working with a difficult emotion, freezing with anxiety, not pushing it out of the way and watching for reactions, separating them out and returning to the core feeling. Joy is taking it’s place and am trying to not hold on. Back to anxiety, and trying again. The taking and giving has helped with these feelings. Developing gratitude, two days ago, and am happy that I have M. Epstein in my life. Impermance is inherent in life which the breath based self opens too. “Hang back just a bit” has been useful today with the anxiety, not judging it as good or bad, just an emotion. Taking and giving helps to prepare me for the most difficult emotions, taking as “take whatever is given” and giving transformed emotion. Imagining on the in breath taking in black smoke, on the out breath 5 colored lights.

March 3, 2019 Doing more “breath based, temporally conceived self” (M. Epstein) today, as it matured I’m “hanging back just a bit”. Also i’ve been doing tonglen or taking and giving, by mounting impartiality onto the breath, in the form of black smoke I inhale with “take whatever is given” (M. Epstein) and breath out transformed emotion in the form of five colored lights and sphere lights in multiple colors, common in what you see in video games. The black smoke dissolves at the heart. I know it’s working because it’s little bit harder to breathe in. What this does is it purifies the chi in the channels of the body through imagination and breath. This is also a form of Tantric Bodhichitta, by bringing the future result into the path. I like this practice because it combines Buddhist Tantra and breathing together.

February 28, 2019 Had a long awareness of breathing the past couple of days, which has been useful for a variety of reasons. Imagining what reactivity might look like, from the minds eye, how an imagine of a past event might cause freezing or anxiety, but then quickly return to the breath. Beginning to see these reactions as impersonal based in cause and effect of reactivity. What I took as myself begins to seem like clouds coming into the sky, causing a storm and then leaving. Or “like stray dogs that have no owners” the stray thoughts and feelings are treated as ownerless (M. Epstein). Back to the breath awareness right now, and will continue after this blog. The breath awareness “resonates” with the emotional life, it’s not like you do breath awareness for 3 years then bare attention for the next 3, I alternate throughout the day.

February 26, 2019 My Asian fantasies have not stopped, even in the misted of criticism. After all Buddha is closer to Fey, then to God. I did not begin to imagine Enlightenment until a long time after practicing the “breath based self” M. Epstein. Because Emptiness is a direct sense perception, without mindfulness this insight might not have happened. I think the fear is people will become Heaven fools if they use this faculty, which Einstein said is more important than knowledge. To imagine Enlightenment then we need lots of inner experience, watching the inner tv. The vajra and bell are magical practices, transform how I perceive difficult emotions and phenomena. The Kadampas didn’t give me Tantric keys until I finish my Lamrim or Joyful path of good fortune. Harry Potter is volume of books that is High Fantasy about good and evil which many God fearing people condemn. Which a High Monk in the Kadampa’s inspired me about.

February 24, 2019 Practiced bare attention, this afternoon, taking both pleasure and unpleasant feelings, not holding on, rejecting the attachment and not getting sick with changing suffering. And not pushing away the unpleasant feelings. Got home and the agenda is to practice self generation and bare attention. Learning about music theory for computer music, which is really useful and most of the time a fun read. Bare attention is “love really” M. Epstein. Still developing, bare attention so I can use imagination instead of language, to remind me of this emotional quality, that doesn’t mean I stop Blogging or a journal, it means I can feel my way into bare attention.

February 22, 2019 Watched the inner television, for some time today, based in breathing, working with some anxiety. I had a good day and am developing bare attention, which is a form of love. I like the breath based self and learned some new tai chi while on vacation. I think that time spent learning the term love has made my understanding of bare attention more clear. Worked on myself today has helped my practice quite a bit and am looking forward to practice tonight. Making strides on watching the inner television, not so judgmental about myself in return. Time well spent.

February 5, 2019 Going on holiday for a few weeks.

February 3, 2019 “using the spiritual practice to attack or get rid of” the difficult emotion M. Epstein, I think that is what I was trying the last post about the difficult emotion. I need instead of “attack or get rid of” M. Epstein, “leave the problem alone” “and “examine my relationship to it”. Anyways I’m back to “diminishing reactivity” as a “characteristic” of bare attention, M. Epstein. I’m grateful for having studied M. Epstein and Buddhism, because I have a “different approach” to these problems. With this attitude of bare attention, it’s possible to “turn them into a means of awakening” M. Epstein. Bare attention is an “emotional quality” M. Epstein, that all human beings have. I need to apply bare attention “to them” M. Epstein, not to my mind then to the problem.

February 2, 2019 Difficult emotion, learning the view of bare attention to it. Being judgemental towards myself, opening to it and not screening it out. Being nice to myself, new memories, feel better about myself, meditating, developing the “observing self” M. Epstein. “the emotional realm is the window into the Buddha realm” M. Epstein, I feel as I counter my usual reactions to difficult emotions, to “establish” the observing awareness. Because of being caught off guard. Back in samsara, the Human realm, creating this post to know myself better. Been playing in logic remote, finding new sounds and adjusting volume or intensity. Meditating again, relaxing focusing on my heart, pleasure, “not to hold on” found the observing self.

February 1, 2019 Once again imagining Enlightenment, or the vajra and bell, then imagining Jedi robes on and my vajra belt, it is a magical vajra that enhances bare attention, when it is on. I read a blog that has lots of quotes and is a top blog for meditation in particular bare attention, you can find it by searching for ‘example of bare attention’. It has lots of awards. Practiced silk reeling chi gong today, for a few minutes and watched Jesse Tsao for chen style, which I do love. I have lots of meditation instructions from M. Epstein, which is enough for a life time, also did “breath based, temporally conceived self” M. Epstein for some time but stayed in my chest, not deep breathing. My silk tai chi uniform is useful for practicing in my room, with tai chi shoes.

January 28, 2019 I did some mindfulness of breathing based on a blessing today, not deep breathing or in the belly but more in the middle of the chest. M. Epstein said when I feel psychological emptiness or not knowing who I am, “that feeling by its self is ok.”” I just have to learn to open myself to it”. Finding the self is what the Human realm is all about, and what creative endeavors are for. I began to imagine what enlightenment is with some free time, and what my creative things are about this time. Developing a sense or imagine of bliss and emptiness and that is part of self generation. Clear appearance is more about the environment around me, so I’m not working on that now. In Jedi robes with a vajra on my belt. Imagining self generation is a little weird, but that is part of it.

January 24, 2019 I read an article from tricycle about how practice is almost magical, I don’t remember the specifics, but magic makes sense for Buddhist practice about how bare attention is almost magical. As a metaphor for Dharma practice, in some sense makes the most sense. So it fits nicely with Roleplaying games because in them we talk about how magic affects the characters and the magic that the characters have is a joy to behold. I know it’s not real, but that is not the point the point is to have fun with magic. In Buddhist Tantra, self generation is also almost magical, that is why I think they speak to each other. To imbue self generation with the magic of roleplaying games in my own practice would make it more mysterious and more enthusiasm for practice. Under the spell of roleplaying games, self generation can become alive.

January 21, 2019 The base feeling has changed so far this year, being with and impartial to them, not judging them, and not identifying with them either. Began silk reeling chi gong practice which I am excited about. It still feels like the new year, I have enthusiasm about this new chi gong practice and bare attention. Developing the quality of bare attention or mindfulness, and listening to John Cage for relaxation and mindfulness. I’m not listening to other people right now, so I can listen inward with the same attention that I developed earlier, but staying choiceless in what draws my attention, like these new feelings for the new year. Not to screen out and not to hold on, permitting them to be just as they are.

January 19, 2019 Had some pain in my core, it’s gone now and am experiencing the cessation of the pain, which is a relief. Listening to John cage, which relaxes me, I’m played in logic remote yesterday and enjoy this app on my iPad. Doing tai chi in my room, with my tai chi uniform, making it possible to practice in here. after listening for extended periods, turning this awareness into myself is interesting, I opened the field of the awareness up and experienced relief, letting the emotions do their own thing, not tampering with them, not holding on. Not noting the experience, in my mind, just this journal, read some thoughts without a thinker and it is still fresh. Still developing the observing awareness which bare attention cultivates, even when not listening, I remind myself of the meditation instruction, I think if I get confused return to the breath.

January 15, 2019 Being impersonal, is threating because it speaks to how our life is just this way. I’m experiencing restlessness now, which is also impersonal. This gets to the root of the problem, how our likes and dislikes colors our experience. It’s like a tree being blown from all directions, of the 8 worldly concerns. This is also part of the vajra, so in self generation this teaching is also present. Jedi can find their enlightenment like any human being, which makes them a good vehicle for self generation. Been practicing tai chi in my room now, which is useful.

January 13, 2019 Observing courser aspects of the self, like the feelings that feel like self from a bit of distance, not thinking about them much, being with them to learn about myself. Listened to M. Epstein on youtube, he gave a great speech which I can’t remember much of, from the Family Network or FAN. Staying inside and listened to M. Epstein last night, purifying. Hanging back from my heart still works, and observing from the corner of the mind, “spy consciousness”, just had a feeling of self, trying to do this. Peaceful and a bit of anxiety, no restlessness or squirming, not taking it personally. Keeping a meditation posture, same feelings, deep breathing now.

January 12, 2019 I’m staying up late this night, sleepless. I was aware of myself, when I usually bit more dim. I saw a chair that looked suspiciously inherent. Keeping an I on myself from the corner of the mind “like a spy consciousness”. This self which I’m becoming more aware of doesn’t exist inherently. Giving the feelings space to breathe, and adjusting my distance according to what draws my awareness. it takes some effort then I relax again. Searching for the self during times of chance. Letting my attention out of the meditation practice is where my interest is. Right now I’m tired and how that effects the mind, not judging it like the clouds causing a storm and then leaving.

January 9, 2019 For self generation, to feel more real at first I practice generating as a human being, but that doesn’t mean I could do monsters, It just feels more natural for me, Je Tsongkhapa found his enlightenment and he was human. That doesn’t mean that I can’t practice as a monster, it’s just Buddha emphasized the human realm, I play mostly humans in DnD. In Star Wars force and destiny other aliens can find their enlightenment, there are new races that can play a mystic Jedi in unlimited power. Deeds of a Buddha, are part of self generation which create good karma or cause and effect.

January 8, 2019 At temple they have a work sheet for developing the paramitas which I can substitute for the 7 characteristic of bare attention working with one everyday which I think is good advice. I will start with impartiality today and then so on. I like this approach, because I can work on different characteristics not just impartiality, remembering the meditation instruction for each. I am still generating as a Jedi in my room and outside. I like the fact that, in Star Wars force and destiny everyone can find their enlightenment not just Jedi. Which is in the book Unlimited Power for Mystical Jedi like Obi Wan did. I think this is the only roleplaying game that talks about enlightenment that is well known. Now on to developing the observing self.

January 3, 2019 I’ve been playing in logic remote and extension of Logic Pro and also enjoyed Zelda last night. Not struggling with difficult emotions, experiencing them as they are and their reactions to an unpleasant emotion or thought. I did a media fast for around a week, I practice tai chi after not practicing in the cold and found my tai chi improved over the brake. I can step back a little bit more like Jesse Tsao in repulse monkey. I and self generating as a Jedi and may the force be with you. Enlightenment is the “thread of light” that runs all through Buddhism. I feel better if I hang back just a bit and “take it easy”. I’m still imagining myself as a Jedi in brown robes with a vajra belt around my waist to remind me of bare attention and mindfulness. This is the main thing that M. Epstein learned so thats my imagination reminder.

December 29, 2018 I’ve been self generating as a Epstein Jedi with way of the open hand, the force in this instance is the Bodhisattva of Compassion, guiding me when I am “ripe” enough to turn that particular emotion around. The Force in another instance could be Vajradharma the founder of Vajrayana. These type of Jedi use the Force internally to find their Enlightenment and teach others to find theirs. I’m not worried about if these Enlightened Force exist or not because I still receive blessings from this. For example in India they have a volcanic rock hidden behind curtain, when they reveal the rock the crowd has all kinds of emotional experiences, this story comes from thoughts without a thinker by M. Epstein. So you can receive blessings from a Rock!

December 27, 2018 Still listening to John Cage, I feel relief listening to him. This sound sculpture fits well within the sounds I hear regularly, this transition between the two is seamless. And M. Epstein quotes him. I think this is my way into logic pro. I hear sounds that last a long time, and the short bursts of sound in John Cage’s music is a relief for me. It feels like these sound sculptures were made for me. Video games, like Zelda Breath of the wild, are a joy and the shrine puzzle chambers are frustrating. I still love this video game. I even played Ocarina of Time which I still like.

December 27, 2018 It’s a relief to listen to John Cage, he is a “transitional object” for day to day listening. He doesn’t want everyday sounds to be neglected. He helps me to stay open to sounds that I would like to push away. I can listen to him for extended time and not get bored. Something I can come back to time and again. I don’t know other musicians that are based off of his stuff. I feel calmer listening to him and relax in a way not possible with the music I have. Now I am listening to recorded white noise, which sounds like a waterfall. Now is a new song, no sound for at least 10 seconds much longer than that. Coughing. I like the style, more coughing. No sound what so ever.

December 25, 2018 Enjoying the peace and quiet out side during Christmas day, developing contentment by simply being. Hanging back just a bit, from my heart is a real blessing a direct teaching from M. Epstein. Generating self as a Epstein Jedi, who knows way of the open hand. And looking for freedom in the Human Realm by practicing bare attention, or impartial self observation. As an Epstein Jedi I always carry a Vajra to remind me of bare attention. My mind turns toward the Dharma of Buddha, for bare attention, still practicing one pointed meditation or mindfulness so that I can once again turn towards bare attention, being impartial, open and nonjudgemental, or the “Buddhist yoga”. The Tantra of the wheel of life is the emotions that we take as such a problem, is our Enlightenment is our Awakening. The delusions that I work on most frequently are attachment, aversion and ordinary appearance the apponent of which is Epstein Jedi pride which is an “Enlightened Being”. I mostly work with Buddhist Dharma Protector Tantra, because I know some Way of the Open Hand or Tai chi.

December 21, 2018 “suspend judgement and see all things impartially”(Freud) can we find the freedom in the human realm. So bare attention is the freedom of the human realm, which is useful in the other realms also. Once again bare attention is the main thing that M. Epstein learned. This attitude is universal in all of Buddhism including Vajrayana, we need to develop the ego’s capacity for self observation to win this freedom. Psychoanalysis has explained the functional and representational components of the ego, which they agree upon mostly. Also object relations theory is useful in this model of the ego. M. Epstein explained in Psychotherapy without a self, how the Buddhist model can fit in this model of insight meditation into the structure of the ego. In Vajrayana we impute self on emptiness, before we generate into an Enlightened being. Doing this probably alters this ego structure in similar ways.

December 20, 2018 Cooled off this evening, and am feeling good right now, attachment, reactivity, and ordinary conception are the delusions that I work on most frequently now. Bare attention for attachment and reactivity and Mark Jedi pride for ordinary conception. Thats about it. Of course the wheel of life is included with the emotions of the 6 realms, but mostly stay in the human realm so I can make progress with bare attention an mindfulness and Vajrayana pride of being a Dharma Protector. Tai chi has become an important part in my life, mostly watching Jesse Tsao in this cold weather. I am very lucky to have these things in my life which I am grateful for. I’m still learning Star Wars force and destiny role playing game, which I do enjoy, even if they use the term I do not like about meditation.

December 16, 2018 Feeling pain in my core today, hanging back just a bit, simply being with the pain, squirming some. Got some sleep last night, the unpleasant turning into pleasant. Using imagination as reminders of bare attention and mindfulness. I’m a Mark Epstein Jedi, with way of the open hand. Meditation is useful for putting the vajra into practice. It takes time to develop bare attention, I mostly did breath awareness or one pointed meditation and continued to study thoughts without a thinker, where he talks about bare attention and mindfulness. Even M. Epstein has to practice Tantra with his patients where he see’s them as “already God” as Ram Dass would say. Or by seeing our teacher as already a Buddha, or as the wheel of life would say that the emotions that we take as difficult are our Enlightenment.

December 11, 2018 Learning to not to hold on to what’s happening inside of me, either pleasant or unpleasant, or getting the ego out of the way of my pleasant and unpleasant feelings, and any thoughts that are happening in my mind. Or developing the observing ego, by “hanging back just a bit”. I still need to do one pointed meditation on sounds or an inner sensation like the breath, but to alternate between the two throughout the day. This practice of bare attention, which is the main thing that Mark Epstein learned is an advanced practice after one pointed meditation. Paying attention to whatever happens in mind and body, as it arises. Imagination is a reminder of this practice. And “bringing the future result into the path” with Jedi Pride of being a Dharma Protector who has found his enlightenment.

December 11, 2018 “hanging back just a bit” gives me a little bit of space between unpleasant and pleasant feeling in my core. Which is useful “modulating” difficult emotions like anger. This kind of relationship with myself is useful for developing the observing ego, or splitting the ego to see myself as I am. I like doing self generation and the image reminds me of bare attention, which I can pick up again. This practice is the basic teaching of Buddha and is the “red thread” that runs all through Buddhism. This kind of practice is a joy to me, It’s not even about being nonjudgemental all the time. It’s the self representations or self images that are altered, and the basis of imputation for the self changes not the entire ego is demolished. It’s according to M. Epstein the vajra is developed, and Vajrasatva is M. Epstein’s Deity in his documentary that I like, because that is what he purifies in his teaching.

December 7, 2018 Mark Epstein on Mindfulness and Bare Attention

December 6, 2018 Now I’m feeling pain in my core, I discovered a new Mark Epstein on YouTube and he talks about the progress in mindfulness, where you start with one pointed meditation on the breath or some other physical sensation and bring the mind back to it over and over again, just as they do in Kadampa with the golden substance. Once after you are established in this practice you let the mind to be more choice less in that you let the mind go where your attention is drawn, not holding on and not pushing away the painful but to “take whatever is given”. I never practiced bare attention until a long time after the breath based self was accomplished. This is the order that meditation should be practiced, and know that l have illusion like subsequent attainment I can move on to tantra, where the wisdom of imagination is the truth, not the stuff we see around us.

December 4, 2018 Pain again in my core, trying my best not to screen it out but to take whatever is given. I’m feeling it right now, and am not judging it or screening it out but develop curiosity towards it, peering into the core event, if I have a reaction then separate it out then return to the core event over and over again. This is the only thing I know how to work with such sonorous sculptures in my core. There is nothing else to do except leave it alone, and simply be with it. This is my practice of developing the “observing awareness which is cultivated with bare attention.” I have a lot of extraneous movements, that happen outside of awareness, but am not worried about them, because they are not the core event in the core of my body, even if i have reactions of thought to them and return to the core.

November 29, 2018 Sufu Tsao from amazon prime is super useful for getting 24 form down. I plan on doing bare attention mixed with self generation as a Jedi. This roleplaying game has many references to enlightenment even for sentients not just Jedi. Developing Jedi pride is important for self generation and is the apponent to ordinary conception. This is also pride in bare attention which is part of this practice with imagination, its about the meaning of bare attention that can be evoked with imagination. Self generation has nothing to do with method acting, its a inner realization that protects us from delusions or negative emotions. We still act the same but we see ourselves differently. Deluded pride has nothing to do with Buddhist Tantric pride or Pride in being a Jedi who has found his enlightenment.

November 27, 2018 I’m doing self generation as a Jedi, who has found his Enlightenment who knows the way of the open hand, not staff. Not much clear appearance. Ordinary conception, is my main root delusion not ordinary appearance because I am just a beginner at this practice. I hope to master 24 form by old age and watch Jesse Tsao frequently. Developing Jedi pride and am reading Force and Destiny the star wars roleplaying game, to get a feeling for Star Wars world and the language of the Jedi. They have enlightenment in star wars but it has to do with the force, which is more Taoist, they also have lots of meditating Jedi pictures, so they didn’t drop Buddha’s stuff.

November 24, 2018 I have a Jedi uniform that I self generate after imagining that I disappear into emptiness, or without doing that. Learning bare attention as I go mostly in my heart, for self awareness. I learned that there is some Buddhist stuff in Star Wars. Reading more about the roleplaying game, he uses words like lense and all the language is modern with the notion of the force and other aspects of the game. The dice system which I like is different then the D20 system of D&D 5 edition. Still practicing Tai Chi in the backyard and watching Jesse Tsao on Amazon Prime to learn 24 form. It was foggy out this evening and enjoyed a walk. I still working on generation stage for Jedi pride which is also pride in bare attention. I’m reluctant to get to deep in this stuff because pride is the worst delusion or a “whole complex of selfish conceits”.

November 22, 2018 Developing right view or right understanding and right thought about how to view the emotional life is about learning to see them in the way of bare attention or mindfulness. It’s important to know that it is a learning process from realm to realm thought out the day. Right view which the Buddha taught is the way of understanding the realm from the point of view of developing the “observing awareness” which “through there very action frees our mind” when we are ripe enough for the Bodhisattva of compassion “appears at that moment”M. Epstein. I have the time in the human realm to write this blog, for creative expression to know myself better, or “creative achievement”. The wheel of life is a wonderful image to show where the root delusions of greed, hatred and ignorance spin us into the 6 realms throughout the day. Buddhist Tantra is concerned about our personal identity so it to is in the domain of the human realm, or bring the future result into the path.

November 21, 2018 I did 5 sets of tai chi yesterday, and so far 1 set today. “taking whatever is given” mostly in my heart, and returning bare attention there. I can do breath awareness again but instead I am focusing on the heart, trying not “to hold onto the pleasant” or the unpleasant, which is occurring right now, not to push away. If my mind starts to “jump to conclusions” then i return to the heart. “Not to cling, not to condemn, not to judge”(Mark Epstein). It’s just as impersonal as the weather, If I am having emotion, I sometimes check for a self in my mind to see it the “I” is there. Otherwise it is too subtle of an object. Be like a giant tree being blown from all directions of the 8 worldly concerns. The feeling in my heart changed to pain instead of pleasure, so “not to condemn, not to judge”.

November 20, 2018 “Take whatever is given” and “It takes in everything” (Mark Epstein) are the key meditation instructions that I am working with, but not trying to hard, because if I do that then that doesn’t work either. I just did a set of tai chi in the backyard and am planning to do more. Even when I am listening I can apply bare attention, for example listening to Mark Epstein or other people. Developing a nonjudgemental relationship with myself or being nice. I worked with a difficult feeling last night where I kept on returning my awareness to the raw sensory event, without judging or avoiding it by thinking of something else. “Not to cling, not do condemn, not to judge.”(Mark Epstein)

November 18, 2018 I have been reading a book on Daoist chi gong and the dan tein breathing, the author Dr. Ming talks about bio electricity and the true dan tein is the center of gravity and the gut, not the stomach muscles. Also he talks about that being a battery of sorts and the brain consumes lots of oxygen. I and doing more belly breathing lately as my eyes are not drying out. I just did some reverse abdominal breathing. Once again I discovered Wu, or emptiness in Daoism which is fundamental to understanding Lao Tzu’s Dao De Ching. Wu is the first stance in Tai Chi, and Wu is considered to be more basic then energy. So Emptiness is in Buddhism and Taoism. Taoism also has unproduced space metaphor for Emptiness, in the tai chi form it’s called “needle at sea’s bottom”. We need this metaphor because all our generic images are contaminated with self grasping ignorance. The Wu in Wutang maybe this Wu, the Abbot must know.

November 15, 2018 Negative imagination can generate all kinds of negative thoughts that are based in the past and can cause a reaction of a thought or a emotion. Positive imagination like self generation can purify the emotions and creates the seed to become a Dragon Buddha in the future. Je stongkapa continued to do mandala kits after his enlightenment, to set a pure example for others. We need bare attention to “diminish reactivity” by “separating out our reactions from the core events themselves” (Mark Epstein). And apply impartial self observation to both “but you have to know them as different” (Mark Epstein). For some strange reason I am still interested in bare attention and how to work with reactivity. I’m not a regular Buddhist that has to work everyday at the same job, I have ample time to practice bare attention at home and study Mark Epstein. Which I am grateful for. Negative imagination can have powerful emotional reactions that need to be worked through.

November 10, 2018 Feeling the blues, with emotional pain, throw up food yesterday and taking tums now. Getting some sleep and rest and listening to Mark Epstein for comfort. Doing what DBT says about this kind of problem back away if it is too painful. Saw some trivial reactivity about thoughts I was having describing how my life is, knowing this was the reaction and simply being with the thoughts and emotions. Charging my iPad and taking it day by day. Living in the unknown of the present moment and trying to generate the efforts of bare attention to come to terms with myself. “To simply be with the emotions without having to react to them”(Mark Epstein). Even a reaction I can apply mindfulness to, but I have to know its a reaction not the core event. Still sick to my stomach, going to drink some water.

November 10, 2018 Even in the Pali cannon they have reference to the Buddha is “unknowable in every way” Tricycle the Buddhist review, like his ability to know all his rebirths just after his enlightenment. We also get to know Siddartha the “flesh and bone” also. At temple The teacher says taking refuge in the Buddha that is your nature, not flesh and blood Sid. That is Tantra and that is also taking refuge in bare attention and mindfulness. I never did much refuge with the Kadampas, and Mark Epstein doesn’t talk about it in his books in particular thoughts without a thinker. It is just not my practice even though I like singing it out loud. “Deity Yoga” is a relief valve for the pressures of being managed in a structured society, “it’s the most difficult realization to really integrate” Mark Epstein. Or the “Human Deity”.

November 6, 2018 I just read a new article in Tricycle the buddhist review and he talks about how we need both Siddartha and Buddha Sakyamuni because of structured society, about the unkownable Buddha and a real person with real problems, even in Theravada has the Arhat, and in Mahayana they have a host of magical creatures and Buddhas and Bodhisattva’s, and that is one of the reasons of having “Deity Yoga”. But my practice is deeply rooted in Mark Epstein’s bare attention and mindfulness or in Kadampa language bliss. So in some sense he is my main teacher, so I can practice Guru Yoga with him, because he has been working on Bare attention and Mindfulness for over 40 years, it’s like learning a trade, if you want to become an Architect then you go to collage to learn the craft. The vajra and bell are metaphors for bliss and emptiness, and the imagery in “Deity Yoga” are a reflection of that reminder.

November 4, 2018 I discovered a new meaning for “generate” at temple today. It occurs when a thought or a feeling “generates” an emotion or feeling, which could mean a reaction or developing a feeling like empathy or positive emotion. Or a negative emotion. Like “taking and giving” or tonglen which generates compassion and love based in breathing. Or it could be a memory that generates low self esteem or anger. By putting it on equal footing with positive and negative it reaches for a deeper understanding of the human mind and heart. That makes “generate” fit nicely within bare attention and “diminishing reactivity” which makes the term more nuanced and pliable. This makes the meaning more impersonal, which makes the meaning closer to bare attention, not just for the yoga self generation and clear appearance. I like this more because I can integrate the teaching more deeply in my own stuff.

November 3, 2018 I got some rest today and feel much better, “to disidentify and open to all that we are.”(Mark Epstein). Being open is becoming more important to my practice and am planning to do more of that with bare attention. Bare attention scans with a very wide lens, “It takes everything in” and is easier to do in meditation, but can also do it in the backyard. The reason I am mainly doing bare attention now and not Buddhist Tantra mixed with roleplaying games is that transition will be smooth once I am secure in bare attention and mindfulness practice thought out the day. Tantra can bring great interest to bare attention and the ability to process clinging to everyday pleasures, thought the simpler practice of imagination. I already receive Mark Epstein’s blessing after I listen to him speak thought imagination which is helpful. Self generation will make more sense with the character I am practicing with, once I am more secure with bare attention. I have been learning more Dreamweaver yesterday, I have all the features that would be useful to me and their kernel. So I need to reread my reminders list so I know these kernels. I did mindfulness of breathing on the bus all the way home, which I opened to what was attracting my attention with the breath awareness linked to the object at the sense door.

November 1, 2018 is today and it might be appropriate to talk about Buddhist Tantra and roleplaying games. Self generation as a Dharma Protector or Dragon Buddha. I practice way of the open hand, and discovered a counter a knee with “brush knee” if they get in your personal space. Knowing Buddha taught bliss and emptiness as a means to freedom from suffering. Yogacara teaches that phenomena are the nature of mind and Prasangika teaches mind is the nature of emptiness, we can predict that this is not the truth or as the Temple Teacher says “magical display to consciousness”. Emptiness is the truth, through the wisdom of imagination we can imagine a Pureland with pure beings and enjoyments. As the Kadampa’s say. I discovered “it takes in everything” or openness of bare attention. Which is an extension of impartiality or “take whatever is given” (Mark Epstein). Which is more basic then the aspect of nonjudgmental awareness. Bare attention is the vajra in Buddhist Tantra, which is protection from suffering, it also heals our mental continuum so in roleplaying games anything that protects and heals is fare game. Imagination does not mean just seeing the other senses are fare game. The bell or emptiness is in some sense aggressive because it is always played with an aggressive sound, it is also represented as vajra knife which cuts through ignorance. Mark Epstein writes “Buddhism is not resolutely anti ego, it does cultivate that, only in wisely seeing where the clinging is.” Buddha did not invent emptiness. It’s important to realize that the main thing that Mark Epstein learned was bare attention. “Diminishing reactivity”(Mark Epstein) which is bare attention is still interesting to me, and tried to put it into practice last night, with trivial reactions. Also I discovered a new world by taking everything in or viewing with a wide lense.(Mark Epstein). That is probably why it’s more basic then being nonjudgmental. I’m having interesting experiences with bare attention and am becoming more secure in my practice. I just projected an interdependent knot into the environment, which is an aspect of “magical display to consciousness”. Or Clear appearance. Without Dreamweaver this page would have never happened, which is my only craft now. I am still learning about DW, like emmet and git on this program. A Kadampa Monk after check my emptiness told me to go back to school, and so I did. The Kadampas new what they were doing. I had the prasangika philosophy down, but could only negate “with my mouth” at that point. Without a group or Asia it would be impossible. It was the Kadampas that clued me into bliss and emptiness early on, and it fits nicely with Mark Epstein and Mark Epstein’s “tantra is all about imagination” fits nicely with Kadampa’s secret mantra or Buddhist Tantra. I don’t do mantras that much, but have two in Sanskrit just Incase. The mindfulness for the meditation for the book Joyful path of good fortune was poring a pure substance that was golden through the crown of the head to the heart which uses imagination to purify my mental continuum, when my mind wandered I would bring it back to this purifying substance, relieving blessings.

October 28, 2018 “The Buddha’s question was about ending suffering, he didn’t deny God. “ Buddha found the middle way between self indulgence and denial “that was the revolutionary thing that he found.”(Mark Epstein) Which is bare attention and mindfulness. He had a memory at the hight of his self penance, that completely turned him around. It was a pleasure that comes from bare attention. Then he went and sat under the Bodhi Tree and found his enlightenment.(Mark Epstein) After he feed himself. Buddha gave his teaching on the four noble truths. 1. The truth of suffering 2. the cause of suffering 3. the end of suffering 4. the path to end suffering.

October 25, 2018 I’m developing patience by being nonjudgemental twords feelings I would judge myself for. And am learning to take them instead of distancing myself from them, which gives them space to do their thing, its a paradox about “taking whatever is given” (Mark Epstein). Im still taking the anxiety right now, which helps to cope with the emotion. Being impartial is the first quality of bare attention, then open, then nonjudgemental. It’s tempting to just be nonjudgemental but I know it’s not the first essencel quality. So I’m working with the feeling that is present right now, by not worrying about conclusions that are a reaction to this emotion, knowing them as reactions and not the “core events themselves”(Mark Epstein).

October 23, 2018 I did some Tantra last night, and it invoked my imagination, or the wisdom of imagination to remind me of bliss and emptiness. I also am staying around my heart and mind, my patience has increased because of being nonjudgmental to the things happening in my heart. And I take feelings by being close to them, and not subtle distancing from them. To use them up until they are done with me. Tanra is super useful for extended meditation periods, and my interest is naturally increased with it’s application. What I see around me is not the truth, the truth is “mind is the nature of emptiness”, knowing this I can relax around the wisdom of imagination. Which is reminders of bare attention and emptiness.

October 20, 2018 “Working towards” more insights with bare attention, or “moving experiences” that comes from bare attention. The vajra is a symbol for bare attention and mindfulness, so when I imagine the Vajra, I think of bare attention. Inspired todo more hand mandala’s, self generation is taking a step back for now as I develop the observing awareness, which trivial reactivity is a component of. I know bare attention is an ideal, which I strive for. Knowing this I am more nonjudgmental towards myself. Even if being impartial is the first essential then this.

October 18, 2018 I learned in-between meditation that I can do tai chi in the dark, which makes writing this blog easier. I did have a hunger “sonorous sculpture” (Mark Epstein) in which I didn’t “express or repress”. I am mostly floating in my mind and heart, without “reaching down in myself” (Mark Epstein). I like working on myself, which this blog helps with, so I think creative writing is good for a spiritual practice of any kind. Because I can review the day before and not forget what I was practicing the day before. Being impartial by “taking whatever is given” (Mark Epstein), is the first essential practice of bare attention. Learning to open to painful feelings, “it’s possible to have a transformative experience”.

October 18, 2018 Learning how to build a dice pool for Star Wars, the GM develops the negative dice and the player develops the positive dice, then you roll the skill check. The dice have a narrative aspect that adds to the game. There is excellent art in the handbook, that make for a fun read. So I can get some images for self generation, and clear appearance. Which effect the 5 complete purities. Self and the environment. The stuff we see around us is not the truth, emptiness is their nature and emptiness is the nature of mind, mere appearance and mere name. Tai chi is a good martial art for Jedi, due to its flowing nature.

October 18, 2018 Taking pain this morning, the kind that is difficult to work with, I tried to keep mediation posture when walking, but my legs were weak. All I could do was feel it, and my mind was hoping sometimes that it would go away, it was definitely a “sonorous sculpture” but I could not see the beauty in it. Wishing for it to go away, then 20 seconds of pleasure came in which was a relief, then dread that it would come back and it did. It was like the pain you feel at a meditation center at times. I need to learn as I go along, to not “screen out” the unpleasant, which I tried but also tried to simply be with the feeling without “jumping to conclusions”.

October 16, 2018 Did some tai chi, and feel good right now. Not judging what is happening, and not pushing away the unpleasant, to “take whatever is given”(Mark Epstein). My eyes are not drying out as before, so I’m happy about that. Receiving blessings from Mark Epstein by listening and reading about him. And am happy to imagine a hand mandala for all the work he has done for everyone. Trying to get an intuitive sense for bare attention, when I imagine a vajra orb surrounding my room, which is a reminder of bare attention and mindfulness. Scouring roleplaying books for good imagination for a Dragon Buddha or Dharma Protector. It’s still a pureland but the imagery is based Roleplaying games.

October 15, 2018 I got some sleep deep sleep today, so I’m feeling good right now. Lot’s of silence outside right now. I’m trying “not to hold on” to this feeling, because it will eventually turn into pain, and when that happens I will not be prepared for this new realm. I’m staying in close distance of my mind and heart and calling it mindfulness, without reaching down into myself which makes my eyes dry out. Just floating within that area with impartial, nonjudgemental awareness, without trying to work on myself in the usual way. I imagine receiving a spirit orb from Mark Epstein after I listen to one of his teachings, which is a blessing in Guru yoga, and offer him a hand mandala in exchange.

October 14, 2018 I’m learning to meditate, without “reaching down into myself”(Mark Epstein) and am beginning to see reactions to even pleasant feelings, staying in my mind and when an event happens within the heart, my attention is drawn naturally to that area, and I can “suspend judgement, and give impartial attention”(Freud) by learning to do it at that time. Hovering within that area, of mind and heart, but in Eastern cultures they only have one word for both, Mark Epstein teaches. It’s beginning to cool off tonight, plan on meditating on the surface of things for the rest of the night. The deeper my knowledge gets, the more I stay on the surface of things, not trying to explore my problems, but watching what the mind does with them.

October 13, 2018 Finished two sets of tai chi, taking care of my back, and it is still in good posture for sitting at the computer. It only takes two sets to feel good enough. They will probably be “sprinkled” during the day at home. The star wars roleplaying game’s dice system is fantastic, even if I only have a basic understanding. My head has been up the entire time I am writing this blog, without looking at the keyboard, due to my tai chi posture. Which also makes me prepared for a “sonorous sculpture” that may occur at any time(Mark Epstein). I did some walking just before tai chi 24 form, which is a good warmup for this practice. I also watched Jesse Tsao give his 8 lessons on simplified 24 form, which is the most popular tai chi in the world today.

October 13, 2018 I need to learn a new way of meditating so my eyes don’t dry out, keeping awareness the way it is, or to simple know my breathing and emotions without “reaching down into myself”. And learn to be impartial with that which naturally arises without searching for the breath. Tran gave me a new mindfulness exercise by pulling the head up, which reinforces the meditation instruction to “hang back just a bit” or “whao” giving “sonorous sculpture” room to breathe by taking care of my back(Mark Epstein and Sifu Jeff). I was told by a Chi gong Teacher at Temple not to pull back, when I asking about that keyword. Sometimes I look inwards without applying mindfulness, which just happened and my reaction was the label “mindfulness”. I still need to practice bare attention even if it begins to happen on it’s own.

October 9, 2018 Meditated in the backyard, with some negative memories, tried to “take whatever is given”(Mark Epstein) and not push away the unpleasant. I’m still feeling an unpleasant feeling with no memories. It’s difficult to work through. I’m thinking about wrong views, it’s not a union or merger, the Dalia Lama writes “acknowledge that what has always been true, but unacknowlegbe that the self is a fiction” if we focus our awareness on the self during injured innocence, it “breaks up under objective scrutiny” and an absence is felt, because that self cannot be found at these times when you “zero in” on the “self that we take to be real at those times”(Mark Epstein).

October 8, 2018 The old way of meditating is not working, searching for the breath in the belly, or even in the heart.”To simply know that I am breathing”(Mark Epstein) instead of “reaching down into myself” that way my eyes don’t burn or dry out, not to be judgmental of my immediate experience, to “take whatever is given” or impartiality. I’ve been meditating on and off all day. When walking, laying down and sitting. I’m still finding reactions of thoughts to remembering the meditation object the breath, thinking that was mindfulness, it turns out it is an old way of relating to myself, in meditation. “This is not the truth” the truth is emptiness and the wisdom of imagination.

October 7, 2018 Wisdom is an interesting word in Buddhism, for example it could mean bare attention and mindfulness or emptiness. Now I learned a new aspect of wisdom from that Kadampa Nun, which is the wisdom of imagination. She inspired me to take Buddhist Tantra even further, then I thought. Je stangkapa and Gesha Kelsang come from a wisdom realizing emptiness tradition, in that emptiness is the most fundamental truth, it’s the nature of mind. Now knowing that imagination is vital to the path to Enlightenment, which does not negate mindfulness, at least from Mark Epstein’s perspective. The vajra as imagination reminds me to put bare attention into practice at that moment.

October 4, 2018 Our world is mind and mind is emptiness, emptiness reveals that phenomena depend on mind, what we see around us is deceptive and “is not the truth”. Everything depends upon our imagination, it’s not like out there is real and our imagination is insubstantial, imagination is wisdom in Buddhist tantra, through our imagination we can create a Pureland. The things we see are not real in the way we think, and in this way, with emptiness and through the power of imagination we can progress swiftly on the spiritual path to enlightenment. This was based off of a Kadampa teacher on youtube at the 2012 Kadampa festival.

October 4, 2018 I’m learning a new role playing game called force and destiny which has to do with Jedi. The core mechanic or a dice pole to negate successes and failures if you have at least one success you succeed, it’s more complex then this but you get the idea. This system would be good for Buddhist Tantra, but still need to read some more. I am beginning to enjoy Tai chi more, because I’m practicing how it should be done. I an putting impartial self observation into practice, which the right amount of space to turn it into a joy of self adventure. By “hanging back just a bit” and “letting the emotions breathe me” (Mark Epstein).

October 2, 2018 Did some tai chi today, was told that doing it before I meditate will make me feel good for meditation, as I see now this is true. So instead I’m writing this blog. I’ve been practicing bare attention and “taking whatever is given” not pushing it away and not holding onto my inner experience, and in this way I practice impartial self observation, which is the first essential aspect of bare attention. This is becoming interesting to me as I adventure with wisdom, into myself. Robert Thurman talks about the clear light sleep yoga you can find the link under Mark Epstein's facebook page.

September 30, 2018 I had good meditation at temple for the first time in a long time, managed to do some impartial self observation in bed when I got home. Tantra is taking a back seat for now as I adventure within myself with the “cultivation of the observing awareness”(Mark Epstein). Had some coffee after temple’s meditation, movement and teaching. I need coffee from keeping me away from drowsiness. Trying to “figure out what I aught to be” “puts me in opposition with what I really” am, “aspects of the self that you are ashamed of” (Mark Epstein). “The unafraid nature of bare attention automatically puts us in contact” (Mark Epstein) with that which we do not wish to acknowledge.

September 27, 2018 Had many tired “sonorous sculptures” this morning, not until I had my “revere” did I discovery “hang back just a bit”(Mark Epstein), what I found out it has to do with how I carry myself when I walk and sit. So I should keep this posture, and remind myself about it often, because I don’t know when they will occur, also attachment to pleasurable experiences like a revere, need this same stance. Buddha put right meditation on equal footing with right view. Which had two parts right thought and right understanding.

September 25, 2018 I have this energy in my heart, that could be restlessness 5 on a 1 to 10 scale, 10 being the worst, it changed into bliss, just now. I just finished meditating for 20 minutes. It seems like I don’t have many emotions, more like physical feelings, which is probably not true. Just had a memory, it’s gone now. In meditation I was making an effort to “hang back just a bit” and “let the emotions breathe” and yes in fact I did it or let it do me, which was a “means to awakening” which the emotional life becomes with the practice of bare attention and mindfulness.

September 25, 2018 Meditating outside, had a cascade of memories in the form of emotion and images, instead of “pushing them away” I’m trying to “leave them alone” not trying to reinforce the problem or get rid of them, but develop the “observing awareness” it’s like the fight or flight reaction that is stimulated. For some strange reason I’m still interested in “diminishing reactivity” and have not moved onto other meditative goals like Enlightenment today. Doing this probable develops equanimity, Mark Epstein writes “The goal is meet challenges with equanimity, not to make them go away.” All the quotes are Mark Epstein.

September 23, 2018 The teacher at temple said “enemies are a delusion” scratching my head, then remembered what Geshe Kelsang wrote about in solving our human problem. And wrote something like the person with the weapon is empty, the weapon is empty and we are empty. Saying in the heart sutra that if we completely realize emptiness then if we are cut up into peices, it’s like space being cut up. Freud loved offending the sensabilities of the society from which he was a part. And demonstrated that even the most civilized people were capable of “rage, brutality and polymorphisly perverse sexual longings.” (Mark Epstein)

“Deity Yoga”(www.thoughtco.com) or self generation, is the quick path to Enlightenment, it’s not about worshipping spirits, but our inner most nature or bliss and emptiness. The imagination or “visualization” is a “means to awakening”(Mark Epstein), by reminding me of bliss(bare attention) and emptiness(buddhist emptiness). It’s about extending Mark Epstein and Geshe Kelsang’s teaching into an imaginary world, and seeing emptiness.

September 20, 2018, A stomach “sonorous sculpture” has arisen, so I’m “hanging back just a bit” and “leaving it alone” giving it room to breathe (Mark Epstein). Now tired, the same learning process, which is one of the five hindrances. It’s still here, hearing people talking. Still tired, breathing heavy, the sun is setting. Learning about a new role playing game and a book on mindfulness and eating. Looks like I’ve got homework. Still tired, looks like I need some coffee or black tea. Taking care of my back and meditated in the backyard today.

Tired this morning, with a few spots of revere, learning to except being tired, with meditation posture when walking, and my back is not that sore, so I’m “taking care of my back” Sifu Jeff said. Letting the tired breathe and learning to “hang back just a bit” Mark Epstein said. Instead of subtly pushing it away. I did meditation posture for the first time in the backyard when doing 24 form tai chi forwards and backwards. Listened to Mark Epstein for a couple of hours this morning and discovered how to turn around when walking like Sifu Tran buy keeping meditation posture today.

I got into a more meditative tai chi today, it was relaxing and energy arose, I watched Jesse Tsao and saw that it is more relaxed and meditative then what I was doing. I have a pain in my heart and just passed away. I’m learning to “let the emotions breathe” instead of “get ahold of them, push them away or hang onto them when they are pleasant” quote from Mark Epstein. Heart pain is arising again, it’s still here, having reactions. Trying my best not to “express or repress” my reactions (Mark Epstein).

Mark Epstein writes “The goal is to meet challenges with equanimity, not to make them go away.” Equanimity might be a natural outgrowth of “diminishing reactivity”. For years I never understood equanimity and how it fits within Mark Epstein’s teaching because he never mentioned the word I think in thoughts without a thinker or going on being. Reactivity and the Wheel of life, or the view that emotions “are their to make us theirs, win us over completely to their view” and “we feel them both physically and inwardly” “that they are are personal responsibility” this last quote from James Hillman, he has contention with this last view, which the Wheel of life also has contention with.

Finally these two key meditation instructions came together today, as I meditated on my breath, for a half an hour! I needed “transitional” instruction of “let the breath breathe it’s self” because it was just too personal!

Did meditation on mindfulness, and am still aware of the breath near the heart, as I breathe though this post. Staying closer to the heart then in the Dan tien. I now meditate with my eyes open, it might be possible to see “lack of solidity” in my heart and mind. (Mark Epstein). Alternating between mindfulness and bare attention, I have a “jittery” heart, which I’m taking, right now. Gazing at my mind, It mind be possible to see small emptiness in here, don’t know.

“Making emotional life into a means to awakening rather then an obstacle to our happiness.” By “opening up” to the emotional life.(Mark Epstein) Even the obstacles to enlightenment the 5 hindrances can be a means to awakening, by finding the reactivity with them. “The old pond, a frog jumps in, plop.” (Mark Epstein). Taking whatever is given is the first essential practice of bare attention, to take is if it is a “sonorous sculpture” to take it like a “child with a new toy”(Mark Epstein). In Buddhist Tantra and D&D we develop this interest with imagination and in theory I apply this interest to the objects of mindfulness.

Cold day, feels like fall is here, I have a good spot to meditate sitting up in the backyard, learning to “take whatever is given”, (Mark Epstein) in particular “sonorous sculptures”. After a few minutes I relaxed then got busy again. With the long media fast I brought, Buddhist Tantra based in roleplaying games, to greater joy. I watched Jesse Tsao, because it was raining on my tai chi schedule, he is a great teacher. Astonishment, about day to day things, comes about, by noticing everyday things with bare attention.

I imagine a spirit orb entering my heart after I listen to some teachings, as a reminder of what I have just gathered. Developing an imaginary world is key to Buddhist Tantra, just as it is in D&D. The feeling of emptiness, of low self esteem and “not knowing who you are”(Mark Epstein) is “striking on Emptiness”(Mark Epstein’s Lama) Buddhist emptiness. Like striking on an anvil. It’s either bliss or emptiness, bliss being bare attention, which is the strategy that is used in the wheel of life. Which is an adventure in it’s own right.

Imagination seem to come faster to me then directly remembering the words of bare attention, at least for now. The vajra reminds me to “take whatever is given” with interest, and imagination gives a joy that mere words do not have for now. Because of media fasting this has happened. I have great enthusiasm for this practice, as it becomes easier to visualize my projections. My imagination is a reminder of bliss and emptiness, that’s all. And the people around me as heros and heroines, who have found their enlightenment. Some of whom have a wrathful aspect.

Within The self generation of Vajrayogini is a vajra fence that circle her mandala that nothing can get through. This is the purpose of the vajra orb. Though dressed like Link, who is trained in the way of the open hand, with Shiekah slate shrines around, with Monks who give a spirit orb at the end of a trial. Using imagination to remind me of the jewel of bare attention, which protects from suffering, or the complete eradication of suffering with bliss(bare attention) and emptiness. With mindfulness or letting go of the efforts to get rid of difficult emotions.

Listen to Mark Epstein this morning, weary that meditation can become just another attachment where I’m just doing a “subtle distancing from my immediate experience”(Mark Epstein) instead of just opening to them. “To take whatever is given” (Mark Epstein) requires interest in what is taken, not just patience in returning to the object of observation. Feeling tired right now, which is slowing the writing process down. So far imagination is blissful and roleplaying games are giving rise to projections into the environment that have to do with Dharma or Buddha’s teaching, which is an aspect of clear appearance. Also I imagine a “phenomena source” (Gesha Kelsang, Guide to Dakini Land) in my room. The “phenomena source” is emptiness which is the other aspect of “clear appearance”. Which is magical in it’s own right.

Thinking about bare attention to myself, an important facet is interest, this interest is present even in the beginning of bare attention. So I “take whatever is given” with interest, not just with boredom, or an undertaking with no curiosity. It’s active even in the beginning of bare attention, “the detachment that Buddha is teaching does not mean disinterest, it means to disidentify with that which is happening.” And it’s not about going more deeply into the problem. (Mark Epstein) They like the 8 fold path, are on equal footing. To simply be with emotions, by “hanging back just a bit”(Mark Epstein). I must be in the human realm, because this is where I develop bare attention and mindfulness.

Got some rest today, and am generating a vajra orb, as a spell of bare attention and am remembering the spirit orb that you get when you beat a shrine in Zelda Breath of the Wild. I calm down when using this metaphor for bare attention. Still reading roleplaying books and Dreamweaver books. The vajra’s I imagine are gold and for an array around me in the for of a sphere, which makes an inpeneratable shield which shows the adamantine nature of the vajra. Caught some judgmental thoughts which reminded me of being nonjudgmental to even painful feelings.

Lots of memories, which the natural reaction is to worry about them, getting a cramp, it’s gone now. Been spending time in illustrator, which is fun and tedious. Not feeling so good, but am being patient, not trying to get rid of the problem or go into it more deeply. “Letting the problem be a problem” Mark Epstein. I am still imagining a vajra orb to remind me of bare attention, which is protection from suffering, so worry doesn’t have to arise sometimes if it does then I just apply nonjudgemental awareness to them.

Learning about illustrator and media fasting today. Stomach pain lately, when I get a difficult memory, I’m letting it do it’s thing instead of my usual reaction of worry. These memories have more space around them, because I’m not going into them more deeply, or trying to push them away with counter points or thoughts. Being left alone in the right way causes an unconditional bliss to arise, that doesn’t have the possibility of changing suffering, which usual pleasures do have.

I’ve got indications that achievement may not be appropriate word for attainments, a better word for this might be adventure, which fits more closely to D&D and Buddhist Tantra. I’m uncomfortable with that word, so it may be inappropriate. Well meditation is also an adventure within ourself, and achievement maybe contaminated with the larger culture dreams and aspirations. Buddha called his stuff attainments, but I certainly not this stuff. I feel squeamish about using attainment because it reminds me pure Kadampa language, so adventure maybe most appropriate. Buddhist shrines have stuff to remind you what you did or more accurately generated being, which takes time to develop.

I was lucid enough to find a thought and physical reaction to stimulus, on my way home from the store. I still have a mild head ache, but no need for aspirin. It’s getting cool out and a cloudy day. Listen to Mark Epstein and it began to fit together, that I haven’t seen before. Mostly regular problems, having a need to “awaken the emotional life”(Mark Epstein). Learning a lot about illustrator from adobe, and the keyboard short cuts. Heard some sonorous sculptures today and how great a metaphor it is for some emotional life.

I heard many sonorous sculptures in the backyard last night and they were enjoyable to listen to for the first time. I is a great metaphor for the fatigue I felt this morning and the revere. “Like a child with a new toy” (Mark Epstein), watching them like the weather, carrying self observation, letting it be a continues observing ego.”therapeutic split in the ego”. This revere feels like the Celestial Realm, so I’m learning to “not to hold on”. It’s turning into the human realm, because of this creative process. Sitting still helps to develop self observation “which bare attention cultivates”(Mark Epstein). “Spells as metaphors for Dharma” is another way in which Buddhist Tantra may be a reminder of Bare attention. It’s not like we are going to imagine that we “are riding a snow lion across Amsterdam”, This is Tibetan Tantra, not American. Holding still and “being left alone in the right way” this bliss right now is just happening, without any attachment mixed with it. Applying mindfulness or “letting the emotions breathe” without getting in their way.

“Free the heart from pain, fear and resentment” Mark Epstein writes. When I get painful sonorous sculptures in my heart like today, I need to learn to have the interest of a “child with a new toy” “that comes out of bare attention” with this pain, not just learning to be open to them. Writing about my experience makes it easier to understand what happened so next time I will have a head start. I think these kind of experiences are universal, so it might apply to other peoples experience. Because Mark Epstein talks about them. I’m still in the human realm because this is a creative activity. The Buddha is in this realm with a latter, also this is where we develop bare attention.

When I went to the store I usually go to I imagined myself in mystic cloths and the Zelda Breath of the wild world around me with a sheikah slate shrine on the corner listening to Mark Epstein talking about “the platform of joy” which is bare attention. Blissed out with coffee and imagination and my teachers voice. The joy of and imagined world and the joy of bare attention are just two of the Buddha’s “plethora” (Mark Epstein) teachings. I need this imagination to be metaphors for the Buddha’s Bare attention, which was the “main thing” that Mark Epstein learned. It’s the “red thread, that is running all through Buddhism and goes straight into the psychotherapy office.” (Mark Epstein). I not learning from the Heart Sutra right now, but it’s still on the top of my mind.

“What if the Tibetans are right about enlightenment?” Mark Epstein writes. Demo said “Anything is possible with emptiness.” Jangsam said “Try to see only the Pureland.” And “Bring the future result into the path” I’m not remembering this second to last quote, but it has to do with getting to a point in Tantra where all you see is your imagination.” These quotes inspire me to take Tantra even further. To develop self generation and clear appearance to a profound imaginative seeing. Phenomena are a manifesting of their ultimate truth or emptiness. Je Tsongkapa found his enlightnment with tantra, saying his emptiness and the Deity’s emptiness are the same nature. My problem is not disappearing into emptiness, it’s developing imagination, bare attention and clear appearance, or emptiness of form and imagination of the Dharma Protector. We don’t act strange, or from an imaginary world, we still act like ourselves, it’s an inner protection from ordinary conception and ordinary appearance. Ordinary conception is also wrong pride and 5 hindrances. As Einstein said “imagination is more important than knowledge.” The popularity of role playing games is a testament to the power of imagination to enrich our lives in a positive way. Mark Epstein wrote “Tantra is all about imagination.” The depression of feeling ordinary, is keeped at bay with role playing games and Tantra.

If the Tibetans are right about Enlightenment and Emptiness, then any imagined world would be blissful, but being Buddhist Tantra all the imagination would remind us of the joys of “Buddhist practices as offering to ones self”. Depending on the practice different fruits would arise in a Pureland. I bet on Tibetan enlightenment, to make sure all bases are covered, I’m not going to abandon Tantra, because I play role playing games that invoke imagination and illusory worlds and characters, It is a natural fit for something that I’ve been doing since my teens. I’m not acting out worlds, because people still see me as me not as an adventurer in Forgotten Realms. I have many characters to choose from, all are based in unproduced space or much better emptiness. A “magical display to consciousness” or “clear appearance”.

Mark Epstein’s new quote”Turning meditation into another thing to strive for is counterproductive. Setting up too concrete a goal for oneself-even a worthwhile goal, such as to be more relaxed, less stressed, more peaceful, less attached, more happy, less reactive-is to subvert the purpose of the meditative process.” This came at the right time, for me being “less reactive” most defiantly could have become a problem. Instead I can alternate between mindfulness and bare attention. I have been reading a role-playing book that has sparked my imagination, and the possibilities of Tantra. Mark Epstein wrote “Tantra is all about imagination.”

Pains taking today at other times bliss. Letting the mind be, looking for reactions, and knowing them different from the pleasure and pain that I’m feeling. Which free’s the awareness from being linked to the problem. If I can’t do it with trivial experiences then I can’t do it with big problems. I’m studying the Prasangaka view of the Heart Sutra, which is easier to read the new version. Emptiness is form, and unproduced space for a metaphor for the nonaffirming negitive of inherent existence. “It is not an invention of Buddha” this is the way conventional truths exist, and their ultimate truth or emptiness. Trying to find a table within it’s parts, outside of it’s parts, or the parts as the table it’s self. “Clerics and Monks are very helpful” within Dharma Protector Tantra we need to identify with the Deity or Buddha within an imaginary world, for example imagining that I am Link within Zelda Breath of the wild with his outfit and the 3D world all around him. Without this imagination or High Fantasy it would be difficult to identify with the Deity. Disappearing into emptiness is not my problem, before I call my self a Dharma Protector. I enjoy playing a Cleric, because I can hangout and make shrines and think about the Gods. I’m not a traditional Cleric, because I already have shrines at home, so I’m a “Shriner”. I got some basic Deity stuff from the Kadampas, like making offerings and tai chi solutes to Dharma Protector Buddha in my room. And requesting blessings, I know my main shrine is a Dharma Protector shrine because Buddha has a covered shoulder, and I got my Bodhi tree seeds, showing what I have accomplished. I also have Dorje Shugden picture on my shrine. D&D has shown me that It’s ok to change the basis of imputation, I don’t have to always be Mao, I can also play a Cleric or Link. I need to relax about always being one character. I can evolve and not just do one type of Dharma Protector, if i can’t relax around playing different characters then it could become not enjoyable, and the High Fantasy would loose it’s edge of me and turn into changing suffering. Even Clerics are Dharma Protectors, it’s mere imputation, If my Cleric performs the function of Dragon Buddha, then he is one. The Deeds of a Dragon Buddha is one the the complete Purities. My new outfit in Breath of the wild, looks Cleric like and use that for my outfit. All my characters would carry a Shekiah slate or iPhone. The wisdom of bare attention is still uses as metaphors for self generation and clear appearance. The Cleric spell for my character are mostly healing spells which is a good metaphor for bare attention.

The Dragon egg is bigger then I thought, it’s not just on the central channel with a pea sized shape it’s actually 3 or 4 more inches to the left and right. The Dan tien is an important chakra in The Buddhist system of tummo. The heart chakra is difficult to penetrate, thats why we start with the Dragon egg. Without Asia, I would not have understood this today. It may by palm size within that area. This is body mandala stuff, that I have not much thought about. The body mandala is completion stage practice, which may help with “spontaneously born exulted wisdom”, doing tummo to get to the clear light might be out of range.

Having some worry today, the reactions are trying to make me theirs. Worry in my heart and the reverberation of thoughts. Returning my awareness to the worry in my heart. Still being taken over and prisoner of these emotions. Another hot day, no tai chi today. Getting some restlessness, and beginning to read The New Heart of Wisdom, which talks about the Heart Sutra, emptiness is form stuff. Negating inherent existence and the difference between conventional and ultimate truths. He also talks about unproduced space and obstructive contact as being negated which is a good metaphor for inherent existence also how it’s connected to self grasping ignorance.

“Hanging back just a bit” is still useful by getting the ego out of the way of the breath, by letting the breath breathe naturally. And watching the emotional body from a distance, not getting in it’s way. Also the wheel of life with the Bodhisattva of Compassion inset in each realm, holding a different object is useful at those times. Cultivating bare attention which develops self observation is a way of getting to know ones self without the usual attachment and aversion.

Got some noxious sounds within me, but not “ripe” enough to “open to” or interest with the pain, so I asked for some advice and with a chi gong movement with the words “go in” makes sense and explore the “noxious sound that comes from within me”. The vajra is make of the hardest stuff of the universe so it’s indestructible. Bare attention is the main thing Mark Epstein learned. Been practicing mindfulness on and off since I got home. No imagination right know except for the vajra orb around my room, which is protection with bare attention and mindfulness.

Mostly did mindfulness today, and “hanging back just a bit” when listening to Mark Epstein. Pain in the morning, I did find a few reactions after stimulus. Also taking care of my back, has become front and center, and is part of my tai chi practice and is useful for meditation so back muscles don’t become sore. Developing a more balanced mind by paying attention to the breath and am still media fasting. Imagination was useful today by making complicated information into an image then it gone. The breath is breathing me, because of “hanging back just a bit” I’m not straining to get the ego out of the way of the breath.

Coming up against myself, “either everything is a disturbance or grist for the mill.” Pains taking today, stayed up late last night, feeling sad and media fasting again. No longer browsing my iPad a lot. So this gives me time to alternate between mindfulness and bare attention. Observing my pain with interest, trying to open to it. Also talking in my mind to other people, a reaction mostly to memories, not judging my self for being so weird. Had some conceit, which does not feel good, not trying to “subdue by force” or “subjugate” the feeling. Trying my best not to consume media which feels like a balm for boredom.

Time is a useful “idea” calendars, schedule, the clock are all weaved together to make “plans” come true. It is a survival tool, but to confuse this “idea” with what’s happening right now, it can cause problems. In a “trance” we are unaware of time, mostly floating in our mind while life is passing us by. Watching the clock can also be a meditation object, as I am getting closer to death with every second, but because of the “natural algebra of the mind” it can become a puzzle and loose track of the body.

I’m giving restlessness some space, in my heart and stomach, I have bliss in my mind and heart, giving it room to breathe. Memories that I worried about, only made them more intractable. I tried to apply nonjudgemental awareness to my breath today, without holding onto the pleasant. Now it’s mostly in my heart and not stomach. It’s a warm day out, and my room has a fan on. “Hanging back just a bit” is my new mantra, through guided meditation. I just tried to go more deeply into my heart, the restlessness is gone. Trying to get this blog done, hanging back just a bit again. Not holding onto the pleasant, painful memory and it’s reaction.

Mostly guided meditation today with bare attention of finding the difficult to define distance from being tired, and not passing judgement of feeling sad or weird thinking tangents that my mind goes into. “hanging back just a bit” seems to be an extension of “don’t move”. Wearry of meditation becoming just another attachment, because “the mind can become attached to anything even to the nothingness of a meditation practice.” Doing some kind of “subtle distancing”, with the objects of mind.

I’m learning to “hang back just a bit” and “don’t move” during walking, sitting and laying down meditation and am media fasting. I have had two reveres today, the only thing I can do with this pain is just take “it”. I’m feeling good right now and switching between mindfulness and bare attention, reminding myself with meditation instruction and self generation imagery. Writing whatever is on the “surface of the mind”. Not planning out my blog, just writing. I’ve noticed that my mind likes to add “meaning” and chew on problems that arise instead of being in the present, this is one of the useful things that “hang back just a bit” helps with.

“let the breath breathe you”, these kind of meditation instructions are making more sense lately. I am trying to go into problems more deeply, and in some sense trying to get rid of them instead “taking what ever is given” and opening to the “noxious sound” within me. I need to give “room” to them and “hang back just a bit”. I can’t think my way through these problems, bare attention is the only thing that will help with these problems. This blog has helped me, in that I have an “idea” about what to do at these times, I’m media fasting again and this is helpful also. Creatively “working through” difficult feelings, when they arise. “Diminishing reactivity” has become interesting, when I have an even state of mind, and am prepared for reactions.

The three Jewels are the Buddha, Dharma(teaching), and Sangha(community). The Buddha Jewel, in Tantra is a Dharma Protector like Dorje Shugden, or wrathful aspect of a Tantric Buddha, or Dragon Buddha. The Dharma is 5 complete Purities, Bare Attention and Mindfulness and Emptiness. Both Temple and Mark Epstein think refuge is important for practitioners to grow.

Mark Epstein had a page about taking and giving, which is a breathing practice, that I practiced on a month long retreat. Gesha Kelsang at that time was my Root Guru, and said that more could be done then breath awareness, hence taking and giving mounted on the breath, his new book 8 steps to happiness just came out at the time of the retreat, so I practiced that. That’s the reason I use to always tie “breath based, temporally conceived self” together. I knew that temporally conceived self was just an Idea, about the transitory feeling that the breath based self generated. I mostly was just aware of the breath or belly at that time, and later expanded to include feelings and thoughts I was having at the time. By feeling the breath and a feeling at the same time, gave a feeling of impermance.

Gazing at the ground a lot, slow reverie, the rest of the day was blissful and warm. Listened to music, generated my staff and tunic, starting to be aware of my face. Made some progress in 3D topology, some practice on the computer, and reviewing in my imagination. I have some amiboo’s or plastic sculptures from Zelda Breath of the wild that are good looking to look at. I was reminded of tummo today and my Dragon egg.

It was a good day, had a reverie early in the day, keeped my chin up, and watched some of the comings and goings of feeling. I can breathe a of relief, not trying to get rid of problems. Einstein said “imagination is more important then knowledge.” Use bare attention for our most privet emotional feelings. Mostly stayed inward today, The staff of striking or “aggressive reorientation of awareness” in my self generation without reference to unproduced space and images of a sky body with clouds drifting through makes for interesting imagery. Sometimes I imagine a point in the body as a metaphor for stillness, I don’t image a stupa much, I’m finding searching for reactivity and interesting endeavor.

It was a beautiful day out, outside most of the day. Not working with pain, emotional reactions to memories. Diminishing some reactivity, but using the staff of striking or “aggressive reorientation of awareness”. I thought I might be “using the spiritual practice to attack or get rid of the problem” but remembered “hang back just a bit” anyways I’m working on all kinds of angles to simple be with the emotions. I’m starting to go more into myself instead of looking out so much now. I was sad for a great proportion of the day.

I’ve gotten a sense of what this phrase means, I’m trying to go more deeply into the problem, staying in my heart, and “not dwelling in the past and not planning for the future, it’s simply present the pure presences of the Buddhist mantra” If I start having a memory, I return to the feeling of the heart the sensations there. Like the problem I’m having now, I return to the root event “don’t jump to conclusions, simply watch it.” Media fasting has helped with bare attention, without Temple, and the teaching of Ajhan Cha, the guided teaching I might have been in delusion with myself. Media fasting and this blog, has helped because instead of learning and processing information I’m developing the observing ego. I’m having pleasant feelings and attachment to them, “hang back just a bit”.

I think the “dream body” is trying to process memories, with short flashes of memories. Then I cling and worry about them when they occur. “To simply listen without bothering to keep them in mind.” Media fasting, which means loneliness happens. To simply be with the feelings without acting on them. Compliments occur, but also blame or a word something like that. The impersonal sky metaphor is also useful at this time. “the goal is to meet challenges with equanimity, not to make them go away.” Even not holding onto the pleasant, is just as important as “not screening out the unpleasant”. Developing this attitude is what bare attention is all about.

I’ve had revere pains from 8 am to 2 pm, loosing consciousness and returning to my head, mostly in myself, was not “ripe” enough through most of it. Next time I will try and watch my reactions, and not resist them when they occur. “Free the awareness from it’s being linked to the problem” by leaving them alone. Writing creatively helps with this process, by “examining my relationship to it”, sitting and writing helps to remember what happened within myself to get a better perspective on the problem, “the old pond, a frog jumps in, plop.” “To turn huge terrifying monsters into delightful little shmuoos”. Mark Epstein thinks “fantasizing” is ok, but Freud definitely did not like “phantizing”. Mark Epstein defends desire, saying that it was a mistranslation of the Buddha’s words, what they meant was “clinging”. Imagination is useful, for playing D&D and Buddhist Tantra and in Architecture. I’ve been media fasting the past two days, practicing bare attention and mindfulness when I can.

I’m giving this restlessness room to breathe, sitting at the computer helps with meditation posture. Memories coming quickly then leaving an emotional residue. The desire to move is present, breathing through my mouth. Not in my limbs, mostly in my stomach and heart. What does it want from me, less intense, another memory. Staying in the human realm, for creative work and practice of bare attention. Not in the Titan realm at this time. More memories, with thought reactions. Staying in “process” not paying much attention to content. Still in my stomach and heart, intensity just happened. Letting the restlessness breathe, “instead of getting ahold of them, push them away, or hang onto them when the feelings are pleasant.” Memory, reaction.

Still observing my face, and the emotional reactions to facial muscles, letting them do there own thing with interest. Seeing how they are interdependent and walking it off when need be. Getting out of the way of these feelings, not “screening” them out, even when they get intense and thinking about how to avoid them. Not having a lot of restlessness lately, there are other emotions to take there place like anxiety. Contentment and anxiety right now, returning to my face, breathing in makes the anxiety more intense for a second, now it’s gone. Trying to develop Draconic pride or a Dharma Protector Buddha. I try to disappear into emptiness before thinking “I am a Dragon Buddha.” The nothingness I feel in the backyard, might be “striking on emptiness” or it might just be pain, to meet with bare attention.

I’m staying in my face as a meditation object, the muscle, feelings, temperature. Just gazing out without searching for objects, just as I have learned from Sifu. Practice the same thing tomorrow and so forth. Not judging the feelings or take however the face feels.

I’ve been feeding my muscle memory of Tai chi and the marking menus in Maya LT. Remembering is another term for mindfulness, the central object of meditation, the Buddha taught many objects for mindfulness like the breath, imagery and Divine abidings are just some of the examples. I think there are 21 meditations in Joyful Path of Good Fortune. For the purposes of this blog, the 5 complete Purities, unproduced space, bare attention and mindfulness. The 5 Complete Purities are for developing Draconic Pride and Clear Appearance. Unproduced space is for realizing Emptiness, which Mark Epstein M.D. writes about in thoughts without a thinker and Psychotherapy without a self. Revere comes to mind when I think about bare attention and mindfulness. “Bringing the future result into the path” through Buddhist Tantra is what Draconic Pride is all about as well as the phenomena all around us. The Breath based self, the arising and passing away of the breath can be a metaphor for other phenomena. The Equanimity that the Buddha speaks of is nature part of this awareness that we all have.

“It’s not like your going to practice Bare Attention for 3 years then mindfulness for the next 3 years, you alternate between the two throughout the day.” This makes it clear how to put self observation into practice in my daily life, both of these teachings are in my self generation. The breath based self and bare attention, or the rope and blue tunic and white undergarment are present. I add other aspects of bare attention, like the staff of striking, “aggressive reorientation of awareness” and backpack of “opening to and disidentifying with all that we are.” And a blue healing potion.

This has been on the top of my mind, the observing ego which is an ego function, needs to be cultivated with bare attention and mindfulness. In mindfulness like the breath we let the emotions breathe. I am not trying to get rid of the emotions but experience them fully. “It is not about creating an emotionless mind, this is defiantly true.” Like the headache that just went away, all objects of self observation are impermanent, sometimes leaving tactile silence in there wake. We use the ego’s aggression to “reorient” awareness towards the self, the metaphor in D&D is the staff of striking. The impersonal nature of the observing ego is the traditional metaphor of the sky and the transitory clouds that pass through it. Link has a blue tunic and white undergarment which is a metaphor for impersonal sky mind. This is part of self generation, once I understand the meaning of these images, they become a reminder of the ego function of self observation, which bare attention cultivates.

Awareness of breathing in and breathing out, just as the breath comes and goes so does hearing, emotions, visual objects and tactile sensations. By listening to the silence of each we get “a better perspective on the noise”, like when self makes noise be get a better perspective “on the space around the self” I get a sense of “revere” when I do this practice of “breath based, temporally concieved self”. The morning pain is gone, so I feel more blissful or “revere”. “Arising and passing away”. A “magical display to consciousness”. Knowing that the arising and passing are not inherently existent, the comings and goings of all phenomena are like illusions.

It’s easier to meditate standing still on the breath, while aware of my surroundings. Tai chi I’m aware of the whole body and how movements relate to each other. I feel good after tai chi, and am more willing to sit at the computer. It’s a joy to create things, and learn more about craft, with technical knowledge is interesting if you have the right teacher. It is even spiritual to create, as with all “creative work”. I’ve been have goals before I sit at the computer, which makes it more likely to get something done with a purpose instead of just browsing the web.

Working on the computer after Tai Chi, feels much better then out of the bed. I feel joy after Tai Chi, and breathing feels better. I am learning about rigging a 3d character and topology of a 3d mesh. In this God realm, I need to practice “not holding on” that “comes from bare attention”. A “neutral resting place” that is possible if I can put myself there, without making it a goal. I need goals when I’m learning a new program, or I won’t make progress, just learning the interface, I need muscle memory in the marking menus and multi-cut tool. I’m creating things or learning to create things which is a spiritual path in it’s own right.

I was lucky enough to find a workbook on 3D Topology, with out which I can’t fix problems with a 3D mesh. I have some good all quad models to study from also, I’m starting from the beginning of Topology with a foundation in basic modeling tools. I’m excited and interested in this new workbook. The other book that was a book called MAYA, trying to make a realistic human figure, I am definitely not this book at all. I’m a hat soul so I know other subjects, compared to other people I have not studied computers not much but I have enough of self study to model, and Dreamweaver CC. That’s about it.

I did knowing my breathing in and breathing out with the usual objects of consciousness. Instead of counting breathing I was aware of hearing words and seeing images in my mind with mindfulness of breathing, doing a lot of standing meditation for about 15 minutes at a time so my feet won’t get sore. When listening to my beats headphones also, with guided listening and to music.

Mark Epstein writes “The goal is to meet challenges with equinimity, not to make them go away.” I think this is good advice, we don’t usually think of it this way, we desire for them to go away, this just makes them more intractable like a chinese finger trap. “Let the problem be a problem.” Most of the day went well, some memories with a reaction of worry in my belly, but Tai chi made me feel good for 2 hours.

Painful feelings this morning, all I managed was “walk it off” walking in my case seems to help this stuff. Coffee does help with an empty stomach. I’m still working on the phrase “hang back just a bit”, because in some sense I must be trying to “go more deeply into my problems” instead of just “leaving them alone”. The staff of striking is a reminder of “aggressive reorientation of awareness”. The goal is to meet challenges with “equanimity” not to get rid of them.

I’ve been worrying alot today, and instead of “going more deeply into the problem”, I’m trying to “hang back just a bit” the worry is in my stomach, heart, mind and face. This is the only phrase that makes sense at this time.

Instead of always watching my belly I’m now watching my heart and mind, being as impartial as I can when there is no problem arising. Just laying in bed and not “pushing away the unpleasant” and not “holding onto the pleasant”. Which is impartial the first ingredent to bare attention. To “take whatever is given”. I’m still puzzled over the phrase “hang back just a bit” because I’m probably trying to go more “deeply into my problems” instead of just hanging back and let the trap be a memory trap.

I have had a cascade of memories about the past couple of days, I feel I am trying to go into them more deeply, so I’m “ripe” enough to know to “hang back just a bit” and let them be a problem, I’m becoming interested in watching my heart and mind and am curious about what is happening in there. I did manage to do some 3d today the first of over 60 tutorials, and am learning the language of topology. Dealing with more painful feelings, just a different flavor, like sadness.

When I have the problem of restlessness I have the reaction to go to bed or walk, at this time I know that this is a reaction and the restlessness is the problem I can see this with mirror like wisdom, I can apply nonjudgmental awareness to both but I have to know they are different. I often have desire for it to be different when I am restless, but know this is a reaction to this painful feeling in my legs and core. A desire is often invoked in response to a painful feeling. Also in Tantra I need to use the bliss of attachment to meditate on the emptiness of the pain of attachment.

I have been thinking about the complete purities and the body mandala, and how Je Tsongkapa only has 4 self generation, environment, offerings and deeds. Which makes more sense because it’s more simple to remember, but after reading a little bit about The New Guide to Dakini Land, your own room is part of the mandala. It was my way of simplifying the Tantra, because in the Guide the 3 recognitions were the purification practice. Which are more social then I am. That’s why I expanded the 4 complete purities to 5 then 6, both the 3 recognitions and 4 complete purities have both Draconic Pride and Clear Appearance. So I mixed the two to fit my needs. The Body Mandala is for completion stage, so it should be removed from the list, but I spend a lot of time in my room so I should keep that in the complete purities

If you can allow awareness to float, not by trying to make it happen, but happen on its own, then it becomes blissful. So the life domain in D&D is similar to awareness or self observation. Which is the Vajra in Kadampa Buddhism. I think Ki or Mystic energy in the Monk way of the open hand is connected to the life Domain in Cleric spells, which Ilmater the Deity of the Yellow rose Monastery domain is life. So there is a connection between these energies. So these D&D metaphors work for carrying healing potions as a metaphor for bare attention or blissful awareness, in Tantra they call this very subtle awareness clear light. Tantric meditation gets to this very subtle mind through tummo. But that is beyond the scope of this blog post. Great bliss is this bare attention and emptiness is the object. The Vajra and Bell, in the self Generation of Ling it’s either a metaphor for bare attention and mindfulness, or unproduced space of the body, which is emptiness, the vajra and bell. So know I have healing potions of the blissful nature of awareness as a metaphor in self generation. In Xanathar’s guide to everything he talks about how Monk’s try to know them selves completely, from my perspective they dwell in the human realm or state of mind, applying bare attention to themselves to know themselves completely when they are not practicing the way of the open hand.

The main thing my teacher learned was bare attention, so my clear appearance and self generation will be mainly this. Maybe the 3 jewels but that is about it. Everything that is imagined will remind me of bare attention and mindfulness. This will help make it nonsecterian and more universal and accessible to more people. Just like the rope reminds me of the “breath based, temporally conceived self”. So the 6 complete purities will remind me of these teachings, where ever I go.

I continued to add to my reminders list, and have finished the interdependent knot, or emptiness knot. In D&D my staff of striking has a ram’s head on both ends, and am slowly turning into a Goat. This place is full of traps, and managed to kill three Shambling mounds, I mostly got lucky on my Dice roles! No purification that day! Except when my Trickster God ring is talking to me! In 5th edition D&D the module books are fantastic and intricate full color and are worth $50 dollars.

I slowed down my Tai Chi today, to get a sense of magic, but still feel good even now 2 and half hours later. Learning to do it in the other direction is harder then one thinks. It takes repetitive holding postures like single whip with the other hands. I also held my arms out in a circle for 5 minutes yesterday, and think I can do it just a bit longer. This 24 form is my way of the open hand in D&D.

Lists of things are useful in learning, and are common in teachings of the Buddha, like the 4 Noble truths and the 8 fold path. The reminders list on iPhone is easy to rewrite and can put the idea in your own thinking to remember it faster. Add a word, rewrite a phrase, and review the list is useful for learning Buddha’s stuff and learning a new computer program.

Their are six aspects to a Buddhist character sheet, on the front is self generation which includes five items, Link’s outfit, Backpack, a staff of striking, a rope and a Sherka slate(iPhone). On the back is the 24 form tai chi, 6 complete purities, wheel of life, D&D stuff, and a Forgotten Realms back story. This makes it easy to see the scope of post D&D. I’ve been struggling with difficult feelings, but was not ripe until the evening when I listened to Mark Epstein, and how it’s about developing self observation, instead of being the sufferer trying to get rid of the problem.

When my mind is silent and I’m feeling my heart and mind, my imaginary outfit is much easier to generate, also when blissful feelings are in my core I imagine unproduced space. I practiced Tai chi today and yesterday and am beginning to do it in the opposite direction. I’m mostly learning from Jesse Tsao from Amazon Prime. When these times occur just a few phrases like “take whatever is given” and “not to hold onto the pleasant” or in my case my imaginary staff of striking is “aggressive reorientation of awareness” seems to be acceptable. And place my mind on the heart and breathing, when I can’t read or do much of anything else. Sinking into self awareness. When it’s silent and blissful it’s a blessing.

Emptiness is too big to fit in one religion. It maybe the yin or the yong symbol, I read a book in my teens call the Tao De Ching which was the poetry by Lao Tzu. Facebook has a page about this book if you are interested. Their are many ways to get to Emptiness, The 5 patriarch, from china, Ocean of Nectar from Gesha Kelsang, The Perfection of Wisdom sutra’s like the Heart Sutra, Yogicara, Nagarjuna, Madhyamika-Prasangika and Chittamatra, as well as Mark Epstein thoughts without a thinker and Psychotherapy without a self. I receive a metaphor of unproduced space which helps to imagine Emptiness.

I was in the backyard and was blessed with a complete self generation, the 5 items came together quickly, imagining my entire outfit with a staff of striking and it all came together with imaging my body and clothes as unproduced rainbow, the calling myself a “Dharma Protector”, Then laughed about my Tantra, just as the Kadamapas do. This blessing was blissful so I had the energy to do this for a few minutes.

It’s interesting that the root delusions(they are deluded because they are based in self grasping ignorance) have change over the three turnings of the wheel. Starting with the 3 root delusions of the erotic, aggressive and narcissistic (in psychoanalytic terms) to 6 root delusions in the Mahayana with also includes pride, after this it is ordinary conception and ordinary appearences. I’m fascinated with the tantric root delusions because it speaks to a need for their opponents of Draconic pride and clear appearance. Pride in getting a vajra or bell done with the help of remembering bare attention and mindfulness through a Bag of holding and a silk rope and Link’s outfit in Zelda, Breath of the wild. If a noxious sound occurs within me, I can remember to be open to them, then a transformation might occur, I would also know that it doesn’t have to change but it might change.

In Gesha Langri Tengpa book 8 steps to happiness he talks about two extremes of coming and going, which may be sensed as inherent existent, so meditating on the ear sense door, I might be thinking they are coming and going inherently, but he says that is something to watch out for because they don’t exist the way I imagine them. I had my first sense of the transitory nature of sounds meditation at Temple, it was so vivid and alive I desired to write about this practice of hearing, without the guided meditation about what I was listening to and the blessing It would have been regular confusion about this simple practice.

Working with anxiety with a computer problem, The Gold Dragon Vajradharma, is the most accurate representation of my study and practice. I have been playing DnD since middle school, this aspect of protector tantra or high fantasy makes a natural progression for generation stage in my life. Vajradharma makes tantra, this is one of his functions. A Gold Dragon because this creature is in the 5ed Monster Manual. Way of the Open Hand because I practice 24 form Tai chi. I have had a Vajra and Bell from the beginning and was told “they are never separated”. Imagination is a simpler practice of Tantra, and Vajradharma holds both a vajra and bell. It is confusing because the language that Mark Epstein and Kadampa Buddhism use emphasis on different teachings within Buddhism. DnD however is rather straightforward because well it’s high fantasy. The practice with clinging needs more thinking, because “we can even become attached to the nothingness of a meditation practice”! The desire realm, or upper realms, are complex, so making categories except for offerings to oneself like drinks, imagination and social interactions and deeds are part of the 4 complete purities except social interactions. Developing Draconic Pride based on getting a vajra or bell done builds self esteem. By “feeling more comfortable in ones own skin”. It’s not like you sit down, meditate and get a realization, “it doesn’t always happen like that, it’s those moments that catch you off guard.” Success in bare attention builds on its’ self. Simply following the instruction is the key to making it happen at that time. If the instuction that I’m remembering is becoming to complicated then I return to the breath, meta thinking maybe useful, but too much, is off base. My guided meditations are getting better. Sometimes I can just feel the meaning, which is useful. I’m so happy about Mark Epstein’s new book and others share the same feeling! Self generation for me also includes a vajra, not just the bell. If I get confused return to the breath and try again. I just had a moment of unproduced space with a body image in terms of Zelda Breath of the Wild clothes and gear, with no High Fantasy work on my own, it felt like a blessing, because it just happened on it’s own. Thinking of my self like a wire frame of a 3D object makes the feeling simple to imagine or lack of soliditity. It felt more like a blessing, because the imagination required no effort on my part. Guided meditations are getting better, because of listening to Mark Epstein so many some is on the surface of the mind. It’s like training for tai chi, you put it together when the situation arises. If I get confused or frustrated then return to the medium breath. Mindfulness may be considered an emotional art by applying the right thought at the right time or meaning at the right time, a bag of holding filled with the proper equipment. (a bag of holding is a magical item in DnD that is a 10 foot cube dimensional space.) When my emotional life is peaceful I have the time and energy to imagine my Dragon robes and adventuring equipment. My uniform changes often, because I can’t decide on one for all situations. I do however still like Links outfit in legend of Zelda, Breath of the wild. Still imagining unproduced space of the body, before I give myself a uniform, but this is only the bell not the vajra, I don’t even label myself a Dharma Protector after this, because I know this is not how unproduced space does feels, so Instead I repeat this process without any lablels, fearing sick pride. It takes time and effort to generate this body as unproduced space, this is only half of the story because I’m also holding a vajra which in my case is bare attention, which is a non obtrusive awareness, at this point I’m trying to hard, and return to the breath. I doesn’t feel like the blessing I felt 10 minutes ago. The gold vajra orb however is more fun, just did it and noticed that I judged myself for not doing it right. I can only do this for a few seconds, so I need to back off of generation, after a few seconds and try again later. Instead of continuing to try with no results, It’s like building a muscle. Which I learned from Gen La Jangsam, calling my Buddha Field Blob Buddha’s! I do know after practicing generating Link’s outfit that that outfit is easier to do because I did it the same way every time. By making the articles magical makes imagining them more fun! Making the outfit with meaning of parcels again and again creates links to Mark Epstein and Gesha Kelsang’s teachings makes this kind of creative art meaningful. Changing the outfit colors is realativly easier then making new clothing. I can see my mind getting attached to the nothingness of and imaginary outfit! Then bring my awareness back inside the body with an adventurous and interested attitude with impartial self observation. I just discovered that it’s more back and forth then making one more concrete then the other, walling myself off to the emotional body. Not to hold on to the bliss in my body now, not to push away the restlessness in me now. I need to work on a Body Mandala, or read about it in New Guide to Dakini Land, because this is an important part of this practice that is the 5th complete purity. I was given a basic one of “double helix of fire and ice dragons” which I am keeping. Also the central and left and right channels. The dan tien is the Dragon egg.

In Mark Epstein’s new book, Advice not given, He talks about the High Fantasy of the Buddha’s story how he “left the Castle” and found his Enlightenment by pulling the “sword from the stone” this reminds me of The legend of Zelda, Breath of the wild, in which Link does the same for the Master Sword, to defeat Gannon. Just as the Buddha does with Mara. He also talks about pride as the worst delusion, Gesha Kelsang talks about Draconic pride as a virtue, NOT a Delusion. This pride is pride in Bare attention, or diminishing reactivity in one’s on self. I love the fact that Mark makes the 8 fold path based on self awareness not external factors! Right speech for example, is more about the story’s we tell ourselves, not to other people. Mark talks a lot about Right View, which I’m great full about, because of how difficult it is to unpack. It’s not the window(“the emotional realm is the window into the Buddha realm”) its the wall or Dogen Zhenjiang, even Mark quotes Dogen in thoughts without a thinker, so he respects Soto Zen and the classic work Zen mind, Beginner’s mind. The Tantra of Soto is practice is enlightenment, or in Kadampa its “bringing the future result into the path”. In DnD it’s playing in character when the DM is running the campaign. High Fantasy is interesting and the players handbook, I can disappear into this with easy. In high school I had lots of magical items, in math class I was reading the DM guide and found that just having magical items was just as good as physical stuff, this is Portland not New York, so I need DnD in my life. It’s interesting that the story about Buddha is High Fantasy, to me this is Fey Tree and guardian spirits stuff. I did my perennial philosophy in the Navy, Zen however did have a Big Buddhist impact on my life, as Mark would say “plop you down on the cushion” and face the wall. But Mark’s reservation is about the word “things” or “zillion things” in Dogen’s zen. We need labels for those things that happen within us, or self analysis to process dreams into memories, and breathing into these memories might help. If it’s getting this bad, we might need to see a therapist, we need help to generate mindfulness with these sticking points, we might be dwelling in the Hungry Ghost realm, not “cycling through the entire wheel of life”. I love Dogens interpretation of the Heart Sutra, I’m already getting hungry for Dogen’s Shobogenzo and more simple works. I’m reading Brad Worener’s (I don’t know how to spell he’s last name, it’s not a sign of disrespect) “Don’t be a jerk”. An insight he gave me was the body follows the mind in meditation and it is just as much about the physical then the mental. There are so many new stories in Mark Epstein’s new book I am “Astonished”! I plan on rereading this book, because of how many time’s he relates the 8 fold path to self awareness, That’s one of the reasons I avoided this teaching, because it felt like too much out stuff like right livelihood and right effort, I always emphasize right view(right understanding and right thought), just as Mark Epstein over the past 20 years or so. What does this have to do with generation stage I’m thinking to myself? Right view and putting it into practice is principle aspect of Draconic pride or pride in the vajra and bell. Self generation has to do with self awareness first, first things first, self awareness and kicks. The depression of seeing the same old self day after day is a big problem, and imagination with meaning of bare attention can make self observation that much more interesting! I was going to much projections into Baldur’s Gate, Advice not given, turned that around rather fast. Tai chi is getting better and better in my room and backyard, with the help of Watching Jesse Tsao 24 form, now I understand why traditional tai chi teachers wear silk clothing so I can see what the body is doing in the shiny silk. I’ve gotten to the point that I can imagine myself doing 24 form in my imagination just by reading the moves on paper. For example “parting wild horses mane” and “single whip” into “cloud hands”. I’m rambling on, I need to free associate to process this information, even if I’m jumping from subject to subject. That’s why its a blog not a book. I need to get Vajra Pride up everyday, and step away from the people, after guided meditation. Oral rage might be more universal than I think. Mark Epstein’s Advice not given makes most seen even after the first read, Ive got 40 pages left. I’m a circle jerk that’s why I like Brad W title of his book. “Turning obstacles into means of our own awakening” is a practice of a Dharma Protector Dragon. I don’t alway get guided meditation so I need to the advice that I’m given to generate on my own sometimes. Without Adobe none of this would have happened, without DreamWeaver and Adobe Illustrator and Apples basic app’s it’s impossible, so I’m great full for this technology. I’ve been thinking of an imaginary magical tattoo of a gold dragon on under my clothes, because I don’t want to “fake it till you make it” and feel more real in my Generation stage instead of doing complete Vajrayogini self generation. In fact in the beginning its just mindfulness of pride that I’m a Gold Dragon, That Kadampa Tantra is really complicated, so I respect the basic keys they give me. Just as Dogen’s Tantra is just as complicated, that’s why Mark says “It’s the most difficult realization to really integrate.” These are just Ideas, not lived experience that’s why Kadampa Buddhism alway emphases study and Practice. You know DnD and post DnD. Even the Tantra of DnD is complicated, Ive got 15 tabs in the Player’s Handbook just for Way of the Open Hand. I don’t even need that may magical Items that much anymore. You know compared to New York we are trash, so we need our imagination and self awareness with tai chi to help clean up the environment(at least within ourselves). Without Gen La Jangsam and Zopa I could not have written this Blog. I don’t even know where to look without a New York blessing. At work a programmer put tabs on lots of stuff in our environment like the clock and chachkas to know what we’ve been looking at for years, what’s been drawing my attention and a label of what the clock was doing to our consciousness. The main question that I’m preoccupied with is how the PC mixes with self generation, I always emphasize self awareness like most Buddhists, but the mandala extends beyond that like an experience with Gen Jangsam where his being walked by and his being gathered an group with no work on his side, we were part of his mandala, as another young Kadampa told me what was happening, Gen La gave me a warning about sleep in youth, and Gesha La does clear light practice at his elderly age, but he said it in such a way that I don’t worry about it too much, but still a warning! At a critical juncture, a Nurse gave me a clue that my Base practice is self generation not clear light of bliss, that was his problem not mine! The Dalai Lama said the clear light of death is stronger then drugs! Rambling on, How does a DM run a Dharma Protector in his campaign? By not splitting real life from the session, creating the causes or seeds of identification with the PC as myself, this however may create an artificial self and feel not real, I have very little experience with face to face roleplaying, mine is mostly what I do and how I imagine and keep my Character sheet up to date. How do I manage keeping self awareness without dwelling in fantasy to where it becomes clinging, If I start to do this it is tantric imagination and meditate on this fantasy with bare attention. The DM frequently moves me out of my chair after dwelling in session into the outer world, to carry this with the notion of a protector of some sort (man work) into the outer world. The campaign for me is becoming more of an art form of expression of the human realm, because I know my Player’s Handbook well enough, and most of the players are just beginners so I don’t need to carry lots of information about my PC when playing DnD. This art form is in the form of problem solving during combat, the DM knows the situation well enough to give me options at what to do, because he has a better image of the actual situation then I. Yet gives me enough room when I’m off my perch to express my self through imaginary Way of the Open Hand combat form. I do not want to be killed, that’s why I’m on my perch during play, because of how nasty it can get if you are caught unaware. I definitely have attention at this time! DnD is getting more complicated every edition, but they are not as complicated as Pathfinder. The simplified the rules to make it more of an art form then a rule junky, which means combat is more self expression then being weighed down by the plethora of skill, features, magical items of a Home Brew campaign. My DM demonstrated this last week, which freed me from the constraints of remembering details in the fight with zombies and Yenti. In the early days playing DnD an Artist was in our mist, she would go for long streches, just saying sounds during play, and it maybe artistic sense to me. Tai Chi postures are very dynamic in they can be used in numerous ways, locks, pulls, pushes, throws, punches, acupressure points, wrestling moves. Yet if you are not use to haste spells, one sometimes looses kicks and wants to through punches, frustrating even in DnD. DnD combat for monks is always a martial ART, because of the simplified game system compared to Pathfinder and beginning players, I have ample time to imaging more combat scenarios during play, it’s high fantasy so it’s much more interesting then day to day stuff, this is the imaginative clinging that my bare attention was made for. Last session was so astonishing a breath of fresh air illuminated my artistic imagination, improv artist imagination, wanting more and writing about it clearly shows that this is the clinging that I need to work with during the campiagn. Now after last week, I have an artistic license, with the way of the open hand during combat (this does not mean I can also do “shaolin shadow boxing” as an Asian told me. What is “shaolin shadow boxing” anyways? Is it Batman stuff, don’t know. No, it takes to long to learn another system, so stick with my 24 form tai chi, and the other basic form I received from Sifu. No other system, it takes to long to master, and its in the Players Handbook, so that is good fortune for me. These are just ideas and not the point of the practice of vajra and kicks. I’m not an Asian Buddhist worshiping Buddha, the point is to find a Dharma Protectors Enlightenment, destroying inner and outer obstacle to Great Bliss and Emptiness. “Turning them in to means to awakening not obstacles to my happiness.” Practice is Enlightenment as Dogen would say. At 5th level all monks get stunning strike, which my DM makes me aware of frequently, in the 5th Edition this is my best fighting technique, one of the tai chi moves for example “Fair Lady” has this potentional, so pressure points are on many places on the body, I speculate that it stuns the body or worse. I don’t know. I need to look at Dr. Yangs books to find out. However I love watching Jesse’s 24 form, which is good enough, and he also shows martial application to these simple moves. My “snake creeps down” is damaged so I don’t squat as deep, which for most people my age is true, who haven’t been doing tai chi all their lives. These are just cognizes, but practice depends upon them for their existence like an Architects Building depends on her imagination. I have enough body memory and images of tai chi I can visualize them just by remembering their name on paper. Compared to Jesse Tsao’s tai chi I’m an infant. Basic Tummo practice moves the arms in particular ways to keep the channels, winds, and drops soft and flexible, so tai chi might do this also. This is the Ki that Way of the Open hand Monks in DnD are talking about, I watched a shaolin monk gather energy through chi gong and throw a needle through a piece of glass and popped a ballon, know that is also Ki or Chi! So winds in Tibetan, chi in Shaolin, Ki in Japan, also in India also, they all have different applications and styles as the Chinese would say, o and also in Daoism. So stick with one and stay with it because it takes a long to do those yogas. It took that shaolin monk 10 years to do that! No unproduced space hands in way of the open hand! Iron palm, quivering palm yes, maybe Buddha palm from that movie Kungfu Hustle, you know stuff like that. Breathing practice to energy practices is key and fundamental to all of them. Just as it is in Zelda Breath of the Wild stamina meter. I don’t do much of mindfulness of breathing, lately but I have not abandoned this practice, because it is linked to bare attention and tai chi and Taoist chi gong breathing for gathering energy into the dan tain. Mostly guided meditation, and learning when to step away from people, so as to develop clinging. Like stepping away from the computer, but use bliss of clinging to meditate on unproduced space of attachment its self, don’t know that my best guess. A practice I might begin is based in self generation of a magical Dragon Tattoo that stacks imagination magically and when the attachment arising from this imagination appears, meditate on the clinging with wisdom the way mark Epstein understands it. Is this the quick path to enlightenment, because it can be used in the mists of our everyday lives. I do not know Mark Epstein’s book open to desire, and that is not my book to know, advice not given is. So I don’t know how he works with clinging, which is frustrating, my only advice I have is Mahamudra Tantra generation stage, not even Guide to Dakini land, so I’m left scratching my head with the stuff that I got, just a few basic keys. What is DnD supposed to do with this stuff? Instead of avoiding the clinging to imagination, apply my interest and wisdom to the clinging its self. “Reject the attachment to it” no pleasure. “Imagination is a simpler practice of tantra” and imagination is everywhere in DnD so this is my clinging practice. Also in 5 complete purities, so offerings like drinks and blessings need to be worked in a simpler fashion. My imagination is going to get better, vajra orbs may create clinging, that’s the next object to focus on with wisdom, its and adventure because its painful next after the pleasure, because I want more then the imagination can provide, so I search for the next pleasure, which is also linked to changing suffering, If I stay with the same pleasure to long it will make you sick and changing suffering occurs, if it is a “true” pleasure then it will cause no harm. Human problem. Pride and Identification are considers considered delusions in Sutra but in tantra are means to awakening. Maintaining mindfulness of the 5 complete purities, is the mindfulness of tantra, this imagination also reminds me of key sutra/tantra practice of bare attention and mindfulness of breathing. Like Dogen practice is enlightenment, or Mark Epstein the six realms are the means to awakening instead of obstacles to our happiness. Mark looks out the window, Dogen plops down and faces a wall. I’ve got one more literal metaphor, the wall is practice, so I can remember Dogen’s complicated stuff the shobogenzo and his faq. On top of this Ive got my imagination that has meaning of tantric metaphors, because it’s not always “room service” so I can carry my imagination with me in Baldurs Gate and other rooms. The 5 complete purities is an expression of the way self awareness starting with ones own self generation, offerings and deeds expand outwards to mix with ones mandalas, by projecting imagination into the environment after ones pride has been developed that is why it is first before clear appearance. Identifying with the PC shows that it can be done during DnD, Buddha said it can be far more reaching, throughout the day. We still act like ourself, because the purpose is to control our delusions and depression of being ordinary. Awareness of impermance or breath base, temporally conceived self, the hunger based, spatially conceived self, is not a problem in Tantra, because imagination of the hunger based self is being used to work with simple attachments, to work with more complicated clinging. Offerings to the Gold Dragon might be more difficult then imagination. Clinging to imagination must be easier to work with than social clinging. In DnD I am isolated from most roleplaying aspects, which might be a blessing then a curse, because I can work with the simpler attachment of imaging my character then roleplaying. Someone said “I think you’ve got it!” Someone else said “It’s pretty fu (fool)” or fool ga or fu ga (chicken soup instead of beef soup). Relationships are difficult to work with, that’s why imagination is more simple practice of Tantra. DnD party can be a training ground for more complex attachments. Tai chi is not ugly to look at, and the movements are more fluid then my regular walking patterns, for example shifting ones body weight when turning around feel much better and is physical therapy, when done right. Now I’m feeling Dao? In my heart and mind? I’m doing medium breathing while I’m writing this sentence, deep breathing and nostril breathing are also useful for other occasions. I can do nostril breathing now also. Heavy vet deep breath. Medium breathing is most useful now. Not shallow breathing, I’m not suppressing breathing now, just medium breathing, some shallow breathing, nostril breathing etc.... Now I have new labels for breathing, which is closer to analytic meditation then zazen. Small anxieties, deep breath, hearing, seeing hearing, bliss, contentment. Soft breathing, “humm” contentment? “6 dumbies” she said. He said “u hu!” I said u humm to my self. Kind of not pretty.

I’ve been thinking about generation state Tantra, and have come the conclusion that because of my D & D experience I have one more purity to accomplish. I’m a Protector of the way of the Open Hand, destroying the inner and out obstacles to Great Bliss and Emptiness. To be honest I don’t have much Deity work done, But I am more of a Gold Dragon in D & D. Soooo, that makes me feel more real. My next realization is the basic of bare attention which in my case is the Vajra, love is not my problem, I’m receiving blessings so I’m not worried about that. Diminishing reactivity the essay in thoughts without a thinker needs to be looked at to understand what Mark Epstein is getting at. He also explains that “the detachment that Buddha is speaking of does not mean disinterest”. How do I find this interest? Through Buddhist Tantric Adventures! I need to make imaginary wards for the chambers I’m in, and yes when it’s a Pureland outside it’s good energy, but when It’s Baldur’s Gate it’s Adventure time! The problem is the Kadampas say it’s the other way around, if it’s pure inside then it’s pure outside. Hummm.

Self generation arising from wisdom realizing emptiness is the basis for realizing Mao a Dharma Protector who has found his enlightenment. His silk rope is a metaphor for breath based self and his sword for mindful awareness. This imagination is for working with ordinary conception which is more harmful in the beginning of Tantric practice.

What Roman Rolland floated to Freud was a feeing of an emotional connection, which Freud labelled the “oceanic feeling”, which proved to be a koan to Freud, you know.

Today is the Day for me to write a little bit about a paper in thoughts without a thinker called “Knocking on the Buddha’s Door”. Freud’s “equation” for the prototypical spiritual experience with Rolland a french poet and author in a “lively correspondence” with Freud which “proved to be a Koan to Freud” “despite his misgivings”, it was Freud’s book “Interpretation of Dreams” that had a far greater impact over the “subsequent” decades. William James, saw a Buddhist monk at his talk and said “you should take my seat”, “you are better equipped to speak then I am” (I’m remembering it wrong, but it’s close enough), “twenty five years from now we will all be studying” Buddha’s psychology.

Lately, I’ve been imagining two monsters, on the street that are about 20’ cube, a Beholder, a classic Dungeons and Dragons Monster and a Splugorth from Rifts RPG. My Dungeon Master gave me options about what to to in the situation, I managed to disarm a Yaunti(I don’t know the spelling of these snake people) and was front and center of some red robed Necromancers, which being a Monk of the way the Open Hand, was a natural enemy. Unproduced space is becoming easer to see, and my Eyes and Heart are clear as sunny day. I’ve been getting regular sleep with new meds.

I think it is appropriate to talk about loneliness during the holiday season. I have two basic premises that are present for me. First is that loneliness is a delusion and even in the best of relationships we will still get lonely. The former is a form of selflessness of persons or emptiness of the “I”, during the painful emotion of loneliness, must in some sense be a form of narcissistic attachment, though a more subtle then injured innocence which is more gross. At this time of year, I need to be more alert, and find this more subtle “I” that is lonely, by being nonjudgmental, and curious about the nature of self. It doesn’t have to go away, but it might start to change.